Waiting For Minako aka The Fanfic Formerly Know As
by Dark Day For Anime
Summary: The fanfic described by a critic as the greatest piece of literature that has ever been created in the history of man. Discover just how drunk this person was by reading it....
1. Waiting For Minako part 1: The Ant

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part One - The Ant  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene: Makoto and Ami, sitting on a brick wall in an empty park,   
somewhere in Tokyo.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:She's late.  
  
Ami:Yes, she is late.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Very very late.  
  
Ami:Yes, she is very very late.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:I wonder why she's late.  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:Maybe she missed her bus.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:One of many possibilities.  
  
Ami:Yes, one of many possibilities.  
  
Makoto:After all, this is Minako we're talking about.  
  
Ami:Yes, yes, this is Minako we're talking about.  
  
Makoto:She's always like this.  
  
Ami:Yes, she's always like this.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:What are you looking at?  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Hello, Ami? What are you looking at?  
  
Ami:Hmm?  
  
Makoto:You're staring at the ground, what are you looking at?  
  
Ami:Oh, it's just an ant.  
  
Makoto:An ant?  
  
Ami: Hai.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:We have an abiding interest in ants, do we?  
  
Ami:No, it's just carrying something on its back.  
  
Makoto:What?  
  
Ami:Looks like a breadcrumb.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:Amazing, isn't it, how they carry many times their own   
bodyweight?  
  
Makoto:Yes, it is amazing.  
  
Ami:Yes, very amazing.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:She's late, you know.  
  
Ami:Yes, very late.  
  
Makoto:Very, very late.  
  
Ami:Yes, very very late.  
  
END OF PART 1  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Is there really an ant on the ground? Is  
it all a figment of Ami's imagination? Stay tuned for the next   
installment of the exciting wait by Makoto and Ami in "Waiting for  
Minako". ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
/ \  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU 


	2. Waiting For Minako part 2: The Bee

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Two - The Bee  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene: Makoto and Ami, sitting on a brick wall in an empty park,   
somewhere in Tokyo.  
  
Makoto:She's late, you know.  
  
Ami:Yes, very late.  
  
Makoto:Very, very late.  
  
Ami:Yes, very very late.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Maybe she's been distracted.  
  
Ami:Yes, that might be a possibility.  
  
Makoto:After all, this is Mina-chan.  
  
Ami:Yes, yes, this is Mina-chan.  
  
Makoto:She's easy to distract.  
  
Ami:Yes, easy to distract.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:You don't think she could have forgotten?  
  
Ami:That is a possibility.  
  
Makoto:After all, this is Mina-chan we're talking about.  
  
Ami:Yes, yes, this is Mina-chan we're talking about.  
  
Makoto:She could have let all the arrangements slip from her  
mind.  
  
Ami:Yes, clean out of her head.  
  
Makoto:She's known for this, of course.  
  
Ami:Yes, she's known for it.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Yes, she forgot we were going shopping last week.  
  
Ami:Yes, she forgot.  
  
Makoto:Clean forgot.  
  
Ami:Yes, it just went clean out of her head.  
  
Makoto:Was distracted by her mother.  
  
Ami:Had to do an errand, I seem to remember.  
  
Makoto:Yes, that was it. An errand.  
  
Ami:Yes, an errand.  
  
Makoto:Did the errand, and in the meantime forgot.  
  
Ami:Yes, she forgot.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:But she still remembered what she was supposed to do  
during the errand.  
  
Makoto:Yes, she remembered.  
  
Ami:She could have remembered about the shopping.  
  
Makoto:Yes, she could have remembered.  
  
Ami:She SHOULD have remembered.  
  
Makoto:Yes, she SHOULD have remembered.  
  
Ami:So why didn't she?  
  
Makoto:I don't know.  
  
Ami:Ho hum.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:What are you looking at?  
  
Makoto:Hmm?  
  
Ami:What are you looking at? You're staring into the air.  
  
Makoto:Oh, there is a bee sitting on that flower, over there.  
  
Ami:Is there?  
  
Makoto:Yes, look.  
  
Ami:So there is.  
  
Makoto:Bees never forget what they have to do.  
  
Ami:No, they don't.  
  
Makoto:They just work and work and work and produce honey and   
look after the Queen bee and the baby bees and all....  
  
Ami:Yes, they never forget that they are bees.  
  
Makoto:Yes, they never forget.  
  
Ami:Yes.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:She's late, you know.  
  
Ami:Yes, very late.  
  
Makoto:Very, very late.  
  
Ami:Yes, very very late.  
  
  
END OF PART 2  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Is there really a bee sitting on the   
flower? Is it all a figment of Makoto's and Ami's imagination?   
Stay tuned for the next installment of the exciting wait by Makoto   
and Ami in "Waiting for Minako". ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
/ \  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU 


	3. Waiting For Minako part 3: The Plane

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Three - The Plane  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene: Makoto and Ami, sitting on a brick wall in an empty park,   
somewhere in Tokyo.  
  
Makoto:She's late, you know.  
  
Ami:Yes, very late.  
  
Makoto:Very, very late.  
  
Ami:Yes, very very late.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:You know, maybe she really DID forget to meet us here.  
  
Ami:Yes, probably.  
  
Makoto:After all, this is Minako we're talking about, here.  
  
Ami:Yes. Yes. It is.  
  
Makoto:I mean, she's probably ditzing around her house,   
wondering if there was something she forgot to do.  
  
Ami:Oh, definately, definately.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:I mean, it's not as if it would be the first time.  
  
Ami:Yes, yes. She's done it before.  
  
Makoto:Ignore all her responsibilities....  
  
Ami:And her arrangements.  
  
Makoto:The girl is just, like, incorrigible.  
  
Ami:Inept.  
  
Makoto:Incompetent.  
  
Ami:Moronic.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:I think that's taking it a little too far.  
  
Ami:Yes. Yes, it is.  
  
Makoto:I mean, she's not really that bad, is she?  
  
Ami:No. Nowhere near that bad.  
  
Makoto:I mean, just because she has regular ditz sessions....  
  
Ami:Everyones' allowed to have their odd moments.  
  
Makoto:Their foibles and such.  
  
Ami:Indeed. Indeed.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:What are you looking at?  
  
Ami:Hmm?  
  
Makoto:What are you looking at? You're staring into space.  
  
Ami:Just looking at the plane up there.  
  
Makoto:Plane?  
  
Ami:Yes, that one.  
  
Makoto:I hate planes.  
  
Ami:Oops, forgot about that.  
  
Makoto:I really hate planes.  
  
Ami:I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it.  
  
Makoto:Mama and Papa died in a plane.  
  
Ami:Forget I even mentioned it, okay?  
  
Makoto:Came crashing to earth....  
  
Ami:Technically speaking, though, it is a jet.  
  
Makoto:The effect that had on me....  
  
Ami:Yes, a Boeing, i think it is.  
  
Makoto:All that pain I had to endure.  
  
Ami:Boeing 737. Or an Airbus A300.... One of the two.  
  
Makoto:All because of bloody planes.  
  
Ami:Yes, a bitch, isn't it?  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:The plane....  
  
Makoto:What about it?  
  
Ami:It's exploded.  
  
Makoto:So it has.  
  
Ami:Port engine just went "kaboom".  
  
Makoto:Fire and smoke everywhere.  
  
Ami:It's spinning to the ground.  
  
Makoto:Lots of people will die....  
  
Ami:Oh well. Not much we can do about it.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Yeah, you're right.  
  
Ami:Ouch.  
  
Makoto:Jeez.  
  
Ami:That was a big explosion.  
  
Makoto:Yeah, I could feel it from here.  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Is aircraft fuel always that explosive?  
  
Ami:Mostly.  
  
Makoto:I see.  
  
Ami:Indeed.  
  
Makoto:Yes.  
  
Ami:Hmm....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:She's late, you know.  
  
Ami:Yes, very late.  
  
Makoto:Very, very late.  
  
Ami:Yes, very very late.  
  
  
END OF PART 3  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Did a plane really crash on Tokyo city?   
Or is it all a figment of Makoto's and Ami's imaginations? Stay   
tuned for the next installment of the exciting wait by Makoto and   
Ami, in "Waiting for Minako", in stereo where available. ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
/ \  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU 


	4. Waiting For Minako part 4: The Boat

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Four - The Boat  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene: Makoto and Ami, sitting on a brick wall in an empty park,   
somewhere in Tokyo. In the background are the sounds of distant  
explosions and various emergency vehicles. There is smoke blowing  
across the sky from somewhere in another part of town. Both Makoto  
and Ami are totally disinterested.  
  
Makoto:She's late, you know.  
  
Ami:Yes, very late.  
  
Makoto:Very, very late.  
  
Ami:Yes, very very late.  
  
Makoto:Yes, very very late.  
  
Ami:Yes, she is, isn't she?  
  
Makoto:Oh, I wholeheartedly agree.  
  
Ami:I wonder where she's got to.  
  
Makoto:Maybe she was where that plane came down.  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:Nah, that's not possible. She lives nowhere near that  
part of town.  
  
Makoto:Yeah, you're right, as usual.  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:What do you mean by "as usual".  
  
Makoto:Hmm?  
  
Ami:What do you mean by "as usual"?  
  
Makoto:Mean? I meant you're always right about these things.  
  
Ami:Are you saying I'm a smartarse?  
  
Makoto:What makes you think that I think that!?!  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:Sorry.  
  
Makoto:I should think so, too.  
  
Ami:I must be getting touchy.  
  
Makoto:Yeah, all this waiting is beginning to get to me, too.  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:Maybe she's doing this, deliberately.  
  
Makoto:Eh?  
  
Ami:Maybe she made alternative arrangements with Usagi-chan  
and Rei-chan.  
  
Makoto:Now that's just being silly.  
  
Ami:Are you calling me silly?  
  
Makoto:Yes, I'm calling you silly. You're allowing your   
imagination to run away with you.  
  
Ami:I am not, and it is a genuine possibility.  
  
Makoto:Well I say it's all in your head.  
  
Ami:Tis not.  
  
Makoto:Tis so.  
  
Ami:Tis not.  
  
Makoto:Tis so.  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Well, have you given up?  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:What ARE you staring at?  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Ami?  
  
Ami:There is someone rowing a boat down the street.  
  
Makoto:Eh?  
  
Ami:No kidding. There is someone rowing a boat down the  
street.  
  
Makoto:Now I know you're letting your imagination run away with  
you.  
  
Ami:Look for yourself.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:What do you know.... There IS someone rowing a boat   
down the street.  
  
Ami:On little wheels no less.  
  
Makoto:What a novel way to get around.  
  
Ami:If not a little silly.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:She's probably hiding around the corner, having a good  
laugh at our expense.  
  
Ami:Yes. yes, she probably is.  
  
  
END OF PART 4  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Was there really a boat being rowed down   
the street, or is it all a figment of Makoto's and Ami's  
imaginations? Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of the   
enthralling wait by Makoto and Ami, in "Waiting for Minako", out now   
on VHS, SVHS, LD, CDV, VCD and DVD in no good retail stores. ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU 


	5. Waiting For Minako part 5: The Book

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Five - The Book  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene: Makoto and Ami, sitting on a brick wall in an empty park,   
somewhere in Tokyo. In the background are the sounds of distant  
explosions and various emergency vehicles. There is smoke blowing  
across the sky from somewhere in another part of town. Both Makoto  
and Ami have slightly concerned expressions on their faces.  
  
  
Makoto:She's probably hiding around the corner, having a good  
laugh at our expense.  
  
Ami:Yes. yes, she probably is.  
  
Makoto:That bloody cow! I bet she's just over there, behind  
that row of bushes, chuckling away all to herself.  
  
Ami:Yes.  
  
Makoto:Some friend she is, doing this to us. Why I ought to  
give her the pounding of her life.  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:I'd like to see her get out of this one. She's probably  
turn up with that sickening smile on her face, all   
innocent. As if we didn't know what was going on.  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:Well, she's got another think coming if she tries to  
outwit Kino Makoto. Yessiree.  
  
Ami:Yes.  
  
Makoto:Hehehe. Just you wait, you blond ditz. These fists are  
for you!  
  
Ami:Hai.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Don't just pull out a book like that and start reading   
when I'm trying to talk to you.  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:It's so rude.  
  
Ami:Hai.  
  
Makoto:Are you listening to me?  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:You're not listening to me, are you?  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:Hey Ami, wanna date with Umino?  
  
Ami:Hai.  
  
Makoto:Did you get to sleep with Urawa-san?  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:Do you like swimming nude in chocolate custard?  
  
Ami:Yes.  
  
Makoto:Is Rei a self-obsessed pyromaniac?  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:Does Minako give headjobs to all the boys in the  
locker room?  
  
Ami:Hmm?  
  
Makoto:I see you've finally woken up.  
  
Ami:Does Minako do WHAT?  
  
Makoto:Well, at least you can still be roused out of your  
bookworm fugue, if nothing else.  
  
Ami:Mako-chan, that's sick! How could you say such a  
thing about Mina-chan?  
  
Makoto:It's a good thing you didn't pay attention to all  
the other things I said, then.  
  
Ami:Like what?  
  
Makoto:Forget it. It isn't important.  
  
Ami:Mako-chan....  
  
Makoto:What's your book about?  
  
Ami:Hmm?  
  
Makoto:What's your book about?  
  
Ami:You mean this book?  
  
Makoto:Yes, that book. Can you see any other books lying  
about?  
  
Ami:There's no need to be rude.  
  
Makoto:Sorry.  
  
Ami:If you're vaguely interested, it happens to be an   
educational summary on the life cycle of the garden  
snail.  
  
Makoto:You're right, I was only vaguely interested.  
  
Ami:To which I say it is extremely slow reading.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:You're pulling my leg, aren't you?  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:Yes.  
  
Makoto:Why, you little....  
  
Ami:Ah ah ah.... Settle down, now. Remember why we're   
here.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:To wait for Minako?  
  
Ami:Good guess. Ten points for Mako-chan.  
  
Makoto:She's really late, you know.  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:Really, really late.  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:Will you stop zoning off into your book and pay more  
attention to me?  
  
  
END OF PART 5  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Is Ami really reading a book, or is it all   
a figment of Makoto's and Ami's imaginations? Stay tuned for the   
next exciting installment of the enthralling wait by Makoto and Ami,   
in "Waiting for Minako", sponsored by Deathtrap Airlines, where   
flying isn't just a pleasure, it's a nightmare experience. ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU 


	6. Waiting For Minako part 6: The Brain

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Six - The Brain  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene: Makoto and Ami, sitting on a brick wall in an empty park,   
somewhere in Tokyo. In the background are the sounds of distant  
explosions and various emergency vehicles. There is smoke blowing  
across the sky from somewhere in another part of town. Makoto is  
staring off into space as Ami sticks her face into another one of  
her books.  
  
  
Makoto:She's really late, you know.  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:Really, really late.  
  
Ami:Hmm.  
  
Makoto:Will you stop zoning off into your book and pay more  
attention to me?  
  
Ami:But I'm booooooored.  
  
Makoto:I know. So am I.... But that's no excuse for ignoring   
me when I'm trying to talk to you.  
  
Ami:Un.  
  
Makoto:Don't "un" me. It's totally out of character for Minako  
to forget to go shopping. I mean, when was the last   
time she did that?  
  
Ami:Last week.  
  
Makoto:No, you silly fool. I mean before that.  
  
Ami:Two weeks ago.  
  
Makoto:You know.... You're right. There is definitely a   
pattern evolving here.  
  
Ami:I think she's starting to lose it.  
  
Makoto:"Starting to lose it. Starting to lose it." What do   
you mean she's "starting" to lose it? She's been losing  
it from long before we first met her.  
  
Ami:Considering we first met her in the Moon Kingdom, then   
she should have reached the point of advanced dementia.  
  
Makoto:Yeah. She was probably like that, then.  
  
Ami:Definite necrosis of the neural tissue.  
  
Makoto:Eh?  
  
Ami:Her brain is starting to rot away. She'd be lucky to   
still have a functioning cerebellum.  
  
Makoto:What's a cerebellum.  
  
Ami:Yes, the first bit to go would have been the frontal   
lobe. That would have completely screwed up her   
personality. Then all the other lobes of the cerebrum.  
The occipital, the parietal, the temporal....  
  
Makoto:Er....  
  
Ami:Then there is the midbrain. I thought I saw cerebro-  
spinal fluid running from her ears that day....  
  
Makoto:Ano....  
  
Ami:Although, I have to say, with her boy obsession, she's  
still got her pituitary gland.  
  
Makoto:@#$%#%$@!  
  
Ami:Hmm.... Definitely signs of someone running on their  
brainstem.  
  
Makoto:I know how she feels right now.  
  
Ami:Oh.... Am I confusing you?  
  
Makoto:Oh, no no no no no.....  
  
Ami:Hmm.... It would be nice to think you've managed to get  
through all those years of schooling and have learnt   
something.  
  
Makoto:Are you calling me stupid?  
  
Ami:No.  
  
Makoto:Well that's alright, then.  
  
Ami:Yes, you just keep thinking that.  
  
Makoto:Did you say something?  
  
Ami:No.  
  
Makoto:Your nose is wiggling.  
  
Ami:Hmm?  
  
Makoto:Your nose is wiggling.  
  
Ami:So?  
  
Makoto:Every time you lie, your nose wiggles.  
  
Ami:Oh Mako-chan....  
  
Makoto:What are you looking at me like that for?  
  
Ami:It's soooo nice to know you know me that intimately.  
  
Makoto:Hey, wait a minute, stop that! Don't put your arms  
around me.... Hey, stop.... I'm not into that kind  
of thing....  
  
Ami:Liar.... I know how you felt about Haruka.  
  
Makoto:That was a momentary twinge on my part.  
  
Ami:Oh Mako-chan.... You don't know how much I've been   
dreaming about you....  
  
Makoto:You're kidding!  
  
Ami:Yes.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:You COW!  
  
Ami:Alright, alright, I'll let you go. No need to get   
rough.  
  
Makoto:Hmph!  
  
Ami:Of course, you know Usagi and Rei are at it like   
rabbits.  
  
Makoto:In a pigs eye.  
  
Ami:Or a Davies.  
  
Makoto:Hmm?  
  
Ami:Don't worry. You won't understand.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:I wonder where she's gotten to.  
  
Ami:Probably sleeping with Artemis.  
  
Makoto:AMI-CHAN!  
  
Ami:Teehee....  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Does Minako have a brain, or is it all   
a figment of Makoto's and Ami's imaginations? Stay tuned for the   
next exciting installment of the enthralling wait by Makoto and Ami,   
in "Waiting for Minako", the well-known danger to shipping. ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU 


	7. Waiting For Minako part 7: The Replaceme...

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Seven - The Replacements  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene: Makoto and Ami, sitting on a brick wall in an empty park,   
somewhere in Tokyo. In the background are the sounds of distant  
explosions and various emergency vehicles. There is smoke blowing  
across the sky from somewhere in another part of town. Makoto is  
staring off into space whilst Ami is looking up at her,   
mischievously.  
  
  
Makoto:I wonder where she's gotten to.  
  
Ami:Probably sleeping with Artemis.  
  
Makoto:AMI-CHAN!  
  
Ami:Teehee....  
  
Makoto:You know, you've gotten real ecchi in your old age.  
  
Ami:I am NOT ecchi.... I just have my moments....  
  
Makoto:Yeah, where you are a sick, perverted little creep.  
  
Ami:That's not fair. You're as much a sick, perverted   
little creep as I am.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:Gee, you know, you're right.  
  
Ami:Nice to see you're admitting to your faults for once.  
  
Makoto:It doesn't change the fact that you go around dissing  
others in a perverted manner.... Minako sleep with   
Artemis? Oh puhleeeeeze....  
  
Ami:Well, I'm bored.  
  
Makoto:Well, so am I.... Minako is so damn late.  
  
Ami:I wanna do something else, rather than just sit around  
here and wait for the blond bubblehead to show up....  
  
Makoto:Ami....  
  
Ami:What?  
  
Makoto:You called Minako a blond bubblehead....  
  
Ami:So?  
  
Makoto:You NEVER call anyone a bubblehead.  
  
Ami:So? What's so special about that?  
  
Makoto:It's SO out of character for you to do that.  
  
Ami:You're right.... It must be my old age. How old are we  
all supposed to be, now?  
  
Makoto:Sixteen at last count.  
  
Ami:Sixteen my ass.... Twenty would be more realistic an   
age.  
  
Makoto:Shhh.... Don't let anyone hear that.... You'll dispel  
a well-worn myth....  
  
Ami:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Ami:Argh! I can't stand this.... I want to be somewhere   
else.  
  
Makoto:Settle down.  
  
Ami:No! I want a holiday from this, with all expenses paid!  
  
Makoto:Don't be silly. We're supposed to be waiting for   
Minako.  
  
Ami:I noticed. I just have to mouth off my objections.  
  
Makoto:I mean, it's not as if anyone is going to come along and  
replace us for a while, or anything.  
  
Michiru:You were saying?  
  
Makoto:What the.... Where the hell did Ami go?  
  
Michiru:I replaced her, my dear. She was exhibiting signs of   
fanfic fatigue, and the writer decided it was time to   
give her a holiday.  
  
Makoto:What the hell.... I didn't know this was in our   
contract!  
  
Michiru:That's because you can't read, my dear.  
  
Makoto:Oh yes.... I keep forgetting.  
  
Michiru:Now then.... Where were we?  
  
Makoto:We were waiting for Minako.  
  
Michiru:Ah, now I remember. It says so in the title. Yes, very  
well.... We shall wait for Minako with much passion.  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Michiru:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Michiru:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Michiru:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Michiru:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Michiru:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Michiru:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Michiru:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Michiru:.....  
  
Makoto:.....  
  
Michiru:Ack! That's it! I can't take this!  
  
Makoto:What's wrong with you?  
  
Michiru:How am I expected to wait for that blond-haired imbecile  
with someone like you?  
  
Makoto:What are you saying?  
  
Michiru:You're too stupid, my dear, to engender any witty   
repartee'. I'm afraid you're going to HAVE to be   
replaced, too....  
  
Makoto:Is that an insult?  
  
Michiru:Yes.  
  
Makoto:Why you....  
  
Haruka:Ah, just in time, it seems.  
  
Michiru:Haruka, my love.  
  
Haruka:Michiru, my darling.  
  
Michiru:Come to my arms.  
  
Insert sounds of much divine passion here.  
  
Michiru:This is, most certianly, a lot better.  
  
Haruka:I could see things were not going well between you and  
that lame-ass Jupiter. I just HAD to intervene.  
  
Michiru:Yes, but now we face an even greater dilemma.  
  
Haruka:What is that, my love?  
  
Michiru:Why would a pair of suave and sophisticated   
intelligentia, like ourselves, be waiting for an inbred  
imbecile the likes of Venus?  
  
Haruka:Why, you have a point there.  
  
Michiru:I do declare, that we replace this wait for Venus with a  
person of greater standing.  
  
Haruka:How about Setsuna.... She is much more worthy to wait   
for.  
  
Michiru:Indeed. We shall wait for Setsuna.  
  
Haruka:.....  
  
Michiru:.....  
  
Haruka:She's late.  
  
Michiru:Yes, she's late.  
  
Haruka:Very very late.  
  
Michiru:Yes, she's very very late.  
  
  
END OF PART 7  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Setsuna ever arrive? Have Haruka and Michiru really replaced   
Makoto and Ami, or is it all a figment of their imaginations? Stay   
tuned for the next exciting installment of the enthralling wait by   
Haruka and Michiru, in "Waiting for Setsuna", brought to you by   
Deathbed Pharmeceuticals, where pain relief is just a morgue away.   
^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Version 1.7356463746395047364 - 13th Jul 1998 


	8. Waiting For Minako part 8: The Intellige...

Waiting for Setsuna  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Naoko Takeuchi owns these characters. I sincerely doubt she'd want  
to have anything to do with the way I persistently bastardise them.  
^_^  
  
Part Eight - The Intelligentia  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene: Haruka and Michiru, sitting on a brick wall in an empty park,   
somewhere in Tokyo. In the background are the sounds of distant  
explosions and various emergency vehicles. There is smoke blowing  
across the sky from somewhere in another part of town. Haruka is  
staring off into space whilst Michiru is looking up at her with an  
air of suggestive mischievousness.  
  
  
Haruka: She's late.  
  
Michiru: Yes, she's late.  
  
Haruka: Very very late.  
  
Michiru: Yes, she's very very late.  
  
Michiru looks away.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: We're really not doing much better than that pair at   
waiting, are we?  
  
Michiru: We do seem to have reached a form of impasse in our   
conversational capacities.  
  
Haruka: One would have expected somewhat more from two stylish  
individuals, like ourselves.  
  
Michiru: Oh, most definitely.... We are FAR more interesting   
than the pair of feeble-minded cretins we replaced.  
  
Haruka: I couldn't agree with you more.  
  
Michiru: So, what is stopping us from the usual form of witty  
repartee that we usually have?  
  
Haruka: Probably a case of afterglow....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: What are you looking at me like that, for?  
  
Michiru: Afterglow?  
  
Haruka: Eheh.... Sorry.... I can't help it with the suggestive  
comments, sometimes.  
  
Michiru: Mou.... Haruka....  
  
Haruka: Eheh.  
  
Michiru: Mind you, you could be right.  
  
Haruka: Hmm?  
  
Michiru: With that apparatus we used, I'm just aching all over.  
  
Haruka: Ge!  
  
Michiru: It took such a long time to put together, after it   
arrived in the post.  
  
Haruka: Michiru....  
  
Michiru: What?  
  
Haruka: You don't have to go into specifics about what we get up  
to in public.  
  
Michiru: Why not? It's public knowledge, anyway.  
  
Haruka: Because there might be some poor, misguided SOS newbie   
reading this.... It'll damage them for life.  
  
Michiru: Hmph. I care not for such individuals. They lack  
class. And they make up lots of stuff about us....  
  
Haruka: Hmm....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: You know, she's probably been and gone.  
  
Haruka: Who?  
  
Michiru: You know. Setsuna.  
  
Haruka: What do you mean?  
  
Michiru: She would have known, beforehand, that she had to be   
here, now.  
  
Haruka: Of course she would have.... I told her.  
  
Michiru: No, I mean BEFORE you told her.  
  
Haruka: Oh, right.  
  
Michiru: Yes, she's probably been and gone.... Got sick of   
waiting for us to get here.  
  
Haruka: Or she arranged this, behind our backs, all along, like   
some devious, Machiavellian plan.  
  
Michiru: She's probably hiding around here, somewhere, having a   
good laugh at our expense.  
  
Both look at each other, then peer behind the wall for a moment.   
They shrug and turn away.  
  
Haruka: That would just be silly.  
  
Michiru: Yes. Rather paranoid of us.  
  
Haruka: But with Setsuna, you never really know, do you?  
  
Michiru: She MIGHT just do it, to catch us off our guard.  
  
Haruka: She's a sneaky one, I tell you.  
  
Michiru: Setting us up, here, to wait in place of that other pair  
might have been her plan, all along.  
  
Haruka: Yes.... Something of vital importance might happen   
here, something that will affect the future of Crystal   
Tokyo.  
  
Michiru: We might be called upon to use our powers to defeat   
another hideous enemy.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Do I see smoke over there?  
  
Michiru: Where?  
  
Haruka: Over there.  
  
Michiru: You mean where the plane came down?  
  
Haruka: Oh, that's what it was. I was wondering.  
  
Michiru: Must have been hundreds on that plane.  
  
Haruka: Yeah, lots of bodies.  
  
Michiru: Those poor people.  
  
Haruka: Still, it's better than dropping a space colony on   
someone.  
  
Michiru: Ouch.... There goes Sydney again.  
  
Haruka: Some people will consider anything to stop Australia  
winning medals in the Commonwealth Games.... Especially  
those Canadians.  
  
Michiru: Only if they're from Edmonton.  
  
Haruka: Where?  
  
Michiru: Edmonton.  
  
Haruka: Never heard of it.  
  
Michiru: Nobody's heard of Adelaide, either.  
  
Haruka: All the better, I say.  
  
Michiru: Hmm.... Whatever.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: She's late.  
  
Michiru: Yes, she's late.  
  
Haruka: Very very late.  
  
Michiru: Yes, she's very very late.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: Probably off having an illicit affair with Mamoru-  
san....  
  
Haruka: MICHIRU!  
  
Michiru: Teehee.  
  
  
END OF PART 8  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Setsuna ever arrive? Is there really a place such as Edmonton,   
or is it all a figment of their imaginations? Stay tuned for the   
next exciting installment of the enthralling wait by Haruka and   
Michiru, in "Waiting for Setsuna", brought to you by coffee.....   
The stimulant for a new generation of fanfic writers. ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Version 1.7356463746395047364 - Fri 16th Sep 1998 


	9. Waiting For Minako part 9: The Decay

Waiting for Setsuna  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Nine - The Decay  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene: Haruka and Michiru, sitting on a brick wall in an empty park,   
somewhere in Tokyo. In the background are the sounds of distant  
explosions and various emergency vehicles. There is smoke blowing  
across the sky from somewhere in another part of town. They are   
both staring off into space.  
  
  
Haruka: She's late.  
  
Michiru: Yes, she's late.  
  
Haruka: Very very late.  
  
Michiru: Yes, she's very very late.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: Probably off having an illicit affair with Mamoru-  
san....  
  
Haruka: MICHIRU!  
  
Michiru: Teehee.  
  
Godot: Excuse me.  
  
Haruka jumps in surprise at the sudden appearance of an old man.  
  
Haruka: Erk!  
  
Godot: Oh, I'm so terribly sorry.  
  
Haruka: Who the hell are you?  
  
Godot: The name's Godot.... I heard you were waiting for   
somebody, and thought I could give you a few pointers on   
the art.  
  
Haruka: Eh?  
  
Michiru: On what? The art of waiting?  
  
Godot: No no no.... The art of making people wait.... I often  
use it to get back at all those bastards who have held   
me up in my life.... Lemme tell you. There was this   
pair....  
  
Haruka: Oh KAMI!  
  
Michiru: Somebody! Stop him before he starts reciting an old   
story....  
  
  
Cut Scene: Ami and Makoto are lying on a beach in Hawaii, in the   
skimpiest of swimsuits, sunning themselves.  
  
  
Makoto: You're right, you know.... This is so much better than  
Tokyo in the mid winter.  
  
Ami: Told you so.... You should always take my advice when   
it comes to holidays. I ALWAYS know what I'm talking  
about.  
  
Makoto: Pity nobody else does.  
  
Ami: What was that?  
  
Makoto: Oh, nothing.... Nothing.... I was just contemplating   
the sky.  
  
Ami: Yes, it's so blue.  
  
Makoto: Very blue, indeed.  
  
Ami: With the tiniest speckles of clouds.  
  
Makoto: Yes. Yes, they are clouds, aren't they.  
  
Ami: Well, of course they are. I ALWAYS know what I'm   
talking about.  
  
Makoto: Yes, yes, yes.... You're the smartarse amongst us all.  
  
Ami: What was THAT?  
  
  
Ami sits up, scowling at Makoto, who ignores her.  
  
  
Makoto: You know, I wonder how that pair of lame-ass Outers are  
going at waiting in our place?  
  
Ami: Who cares? I'm having a good time.  
  
  
Ami lies back down.  
  
  
Ami: Ah.... We should have done this a long time ago.  
  
Makoto: We couldn't.... Our paypacket only increased upon the   
signing of our last contract.  
  
Ami: Yeah, you're right about that.  
  
Makoto: Best we could afford, when the show started, was a trip   
to a hot springs in the mountains.  
  
Ami: How positively quaint.  
  
Makoto: Not to mention hokey....  
  
Ami: I bet the slavering hoardes of hentais out there would   
have given an arm and a leg to see those moments....  
  
Makoto: Yeah, they would have.  
  
Ami: Amusing how I always seemed to come out on top in all   
the character polls, too....  
  
Makoto: Stop bragging, you blue-haired bint.  
  
Ami: Number one on the Animage character poll, I was.  
  
Makoto: Gawd, here she goes again.  
  
Ami: I knocked that lame-ass Nausicaa flat! Boring Miyazaki  
slag.... Gets a role in ONE movie, and everyone wants  
her as their daughter. Well, I showed them.  
  
Makoto: And then you were booted from number one. I hear the   
fight is now between a firebrand sorceress and and blue-  
haired chick with a stock line.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: "Baka", she says.... I really hate it when catchy   
little quotes like that become the in thing.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: What's wrong with you? You've gone quiet.  
  
Ami: I've just realised....  
  
Makoto: What?  
  
Ami: It's.... It's all over.  
  
Makoto: What ARE you talking about?  
  
Ami: We.... We now only exist in the minds of the dedicated  
fans.... Our show is no more....  
  
Makoto: Oh, don't get all moody.... There'll be some great   
revival, one day.... Bandai always milks its cash cows  
dry, you should know that.  
  
Ami: I.... suppose you're right.  
  
Makoto: Well, I ALWAYS know what I'm talking about.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Bitch.  
  
Makoto: Ah ah ah, no claws, thankyou. We're on holiday.  
  
Ami: I'm not so sure this was a good idea, anymore.  
  
Makoto: What is it then? Chopped liver?  
  
Ami: It's.... kinda strange, but I have a strange feeling   
this really isn't happening....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Like.... this is some kind of diversion.... That we're,  
in truth, still back in Tokyo, waiting for Minako-chan.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Now you've got me going....  
  
Ami: Eh?  
  
Makoto: I'm getting kinda freaked out, here.  
  
Ami: What?  
  
Makoto: I've got the same feeling as you.  
  
Ami: No! Don't say that.... It might be TRUE.  
  
Makoto: But it isn't true, is it? I mean, we're here, on a   
beach in Hawaii, aren't we?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Well, we ARE, aren't we?  
  
Ami: The sky is so blue.  
  
Makoto: Don't change the subject.  
  
Ami: It looks to me just like the sky in Tokyo....  
  
Makoto: Stop that.... You're scaring me.  
  
Ami: Mako-chan....  
  
Makoto: What?  
  
  
Ami turns and looks at Makoto.  
  
  
Ami: I've always wanted to know....  
  
Makoto: What?  
  
Ami: Ever since that episode with Haruka and all that....  
  
Makoto: What? Come on, what?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Do you prefer margarine to butter?  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
END OF PART 9  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Are Ami and Makoto on a beach in Hawaii,   
or is it all a figment of their imaginations? Stay tuned for the   
next exciting installment of the enthralling wait by Ami and Makoto,   
in "Waiting for Minako", brought to you by Death. If it's good   
enough for Kenny, it's good enough for YOU! ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Version 1.7356463746395047364 - Fri 16th Sep 1998 


	10. Waiting For Minako part 10: and a Partri...

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Ten - Existentialism, Surrealism, Post-Modernism, Dadaism,   
Cynicism, Neo-Classicism and a Partridge in a Pear Tree  
  
(Thanks goes to Jon Carp for the title inspiration ^_^)  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: A beach, supposedly somewhere in Hawaii (it has not been   
confirmed by our agents). The beach is empty, save for the figures  
of two young women, lying back on beach towels, dressed in the kind   
of extremely skimpy swimsuits that would normally classify this fic  
as rampant fanservice. But since most of what you're imagining Ami  
and Makoto to look like is occurring in your mind, and not here,   
then I have only one thing to say to you....  
  
Sukebe.  
  
Both Ami and Makoto look extremely bored as they stare at the sky,  
wondering, briefly, how Haruka and Michiru are doing, waiting in  
Tokyo in their place.  
  
  
Ami: I've always wanted to know....  
  
Makoto: What?  
  
Ami: Ever since that episode with Haruka and all that....  
  
Makoto: What? Come on, what?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Do you prefer margarine to butter?  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
Makoto gets up from her towel and starts running around the beach,   
freaking out. Ami watches her, passively.  
  
  
Ami: Do you really have to make so much noise?  
  
Makoto: Oh, fer chrissakes! What did you have to ask me THAT  
for?  
  
Ami: Well, every fanboy I know wants to know the answer....  
Incipient homosexual tendencies. Lack of boyfriend.   
Constant harping about previous relationships and all.   
I mean, I've been wanting to know for years.  
  
  
Makoto falls flat on her back, on the sand, sweatdropping. Ami   
turns away from her and stares back up at the sky.  
  
  
Makoto: I thought it has been made clear, time and time again,   
that I am NOT a lesbian. Understand.... I am   
heterosexual as the day is long.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Ah, so you turn into a lesbian when the sun goes down?  
  
Makoto: Of, fer Chrissakes! I am NOT a lesbian. Geddit?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Geddit?  
  
Ami: Got it.  
  
Makoto: Good.  
  
Ami: Repressed homosexual tendencies.... Definitely next on   
the list of anime characters to be outed....  
  
Makoto: What did you say?  
  
Ami: Oh, nothing, nothing.  
  
  
Ami makes a note in a small black book, and immediately hides it   
underneath her towel as Makoto comes tromping back.  
  
  
Makoto: You know.... It's strange how there's nobody else on   
this beach.  
  
Ami: So?  
  
Makoto: Well, it's such a NICE beach, on such a NICE day....   
One would have thought there'd be hundreds of people   
here, jostling for position.  
  
Ami: Must be an off day.  
  
Makoto: Some off day. I'm REALLY beginning to wonder where we   
are, now....  
  
Ami: Why question such things when nothing is going wrong?  
  
Makoto: I've just got a weird feeling....  
  
Ami: You should NEVER eat the fish on the plane.... How many   
times do I have to tell you....  
  
Makoto: No.... It's something else.... Like we're being   
watched....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Must be all those people out there.  
  
Makoto: What people?  
  
Ami: Out there.  
  
  
Ami points towards the readers of this fic. Makoto stares in the   
direction she is pointing, but shakes her head.  
  
  
Makoto: I can't see anything.  
  
  
Cut to an opposing view. Ami turns and points in that direction.  
  
  
Ami: Ah, they're over there, now.  
  
  
Makoto turns with her, squinting. Cut to the original view. Ami  
turns once more, smiling.  
  
  
Ami: Nope. Looks like they think that's our best side.  
  
  
Makoto looks down at Ami, then falls to her knees on her towel.  
  
  
Makoto: I think you've had too much sun.  
  
Ami: You can never have too much sun.... If skin cancer is  
your thing.  
  
Makoto: Now I KNOW you've had too much sun.  
  
Ami: Come to think of it, I am feeling a little strange.  
  
Makoto: Do you get the feeling we're being watched?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Actually, yes, I do.... Kinda kinky, isn't it?  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: You're just hoping it's some desperate pervert, since   
you're normally hopeless with men.  
  
Ami: At least I had Urawa-kun.... All you ever did was   
whinge and whine about an illusory long lost senpai....  
  
Makoto: Was NOT illusory. He REALLY existed.  
  
Ami: Oh yeah? Prove it.  
  
Makoto: How can I? We're on a beach in the middle of nowhere.  
  
Ami: Hawaii.  
  
Makoto: What?  
  
Ami: We're on a beach in Hawaii.... It's not the middle of  
nowhere.... Technically speaking.  
  
Makoto: Are you so sure? Are you so sure that this IS Hawaii?  
  
Ami: Can you prove to me that you really DID have a   
boyfriend?  
  
Makoto: No.  
  
Ami: Well, I can't prove that this is Hawaii, either.  
  
Makoto: Then we're really in the middle of nowhere, after   
all....  
  
Ami: Stop getting paranoid.  
  
Makoto: I'm NOT getting paranoid.  
  
Ami: Of course you are. If we aren't in Hawaii, where are   
we?  
  
Makoto: We could be.... in ANTARCTICA.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ANTARCTICA TO YOU?  
  
Makoto: No.  
  
Ami: Well, by process of elimination, taking into account the   
fact that it is almost 100 degrees in the sun, it is   
humid and that we are definately NOT freezing our butts   
off whilst wearing these oh so SKIMPY swimsuits, you   
could, just possibly, conceive that this is not, in the  
slightest way possible, Antarctica.  
  
Makoto: It could be out of season....  
  
Ami: I don't really think that would make much difference, do   
you think?  
  
Makoto: No.... I was just clutching at straws.  
  
Ami: Pretty damn thin straws, if you ask me.  
  
Makoto: Hey, it was a nice idea at the time.  
  
Ami: Look.... This is Hawaii.... No ifs, no buts, okay?  
  
Makoto: Could be far north Queensland.  
  
Ami: WHAT?  
  
Makoto: Gotta be careful in far north Queensland.... They   
inbreed them differently, up there....  
  
Ami: What ARE you talking about?  
  
Makoto: Never mind.  
  
Ami: I should think so, too.... And you're thinking of   
Tasmania.... On a good day....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: I wonder how Haruka and Michiru are going....  
  
Ami: Yes, might be interesting to see....  
  
  
Scene: By the wall in Tokyo. Haruka has finished cutting Godot up  
into a hundred little pieces and dumping them over the other side of  
the wall. Michiru looks on with distaste.  
  
  
Michiru: That's going to smell in time.  
  
Haruka: Would you have rathered listen to his stories?  
  
Michiru: Better than listening to Setsuna whine about her beloved  
Endymion when she's drunk one too many Sapporo   
Lagers....  
  
Haruka: Hmph.... Is it any wonder the Philadelphia Experiment   
went wrong....  
  
  
END OF PART 10  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Are Ami and Minako really on a beach in  
Far North Queensland (queue banjoes), have Haruka and Michiru really   
turned Godot into sushi, or is it just a figment of their   
imaginations. See the next action packed, exciting and riveting   
chapter of the enthralling wait by Ami and Makoto in "Waiting For  
Minako". Brought to you by Sydney Water, where Giardia and   
Cryptospiridium are just a glassful away.... ^_^  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@merlin.net.au  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
  
Version 1.22485372947854 b - Monday September 26th 1998 


	11. Waiting For Minako part 11: The Sand

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Eleven - The Sand  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: A beach, supposedly in North Queensland (cue banjos) but this  
has not been confirmed by our operatives. Ami and Makoto are   
wandering the beach in the kind of skimpy swimsuits that would   
normally be used in an anime of ecchi standards. Of course, this is  
a fanfic, and so the vision of the pair wearing them is occurring   
entirely within your own mind, like the perverted, sick little creep  
that you are. ^_^ Both of them stare up at the bright sunshine   
that normally never happens in Queensland, since, much of it being   
in the tropics, the only thing one ever sees in the sky during the  
daylight hours are the buildup of dark, threatening storm clouds   
that almost invariably turn into storms at about 4 in the afternoon.  
Which is a good reason not to go there. Try Adelaide on your next  
holiday to Australia. It might be boring as all fuck, but hey, you  
can see the sun most of the time. This message was brought to you   
by the South Australian Tourist Commission, the most underfunded   
tourist organisation in the Southern hemisphere. It's tourist   
organisations like this that make a holiday to Uzbekistan seem like  
such a logical choice. ^_^  
  
  
Ami: It's hot.  
  
Makoto: Yes, it is, isn't it.  
  
Ami: Damned hot.  
  
Makoto: You're not wrong there.  
  
Ami: How long has it been since we left our towels?  
  
Makoto: I can't remember.  
  
Ami: Where did we leave our towels?  
  
Makoto: Back in Hawaii, I think.  
  
Ami: That's impossible. We can't have walked from Hawaii to  
Northern Queensland.  
  
Makoto: Why?  
  
Ami: Because we would have gotten wet. We would have brought   
our towels in that case.  
  
Makoto: As normal, your logic surpasses mine.  
  
Ami: Of course it does. My logic is a product of my vast   
intelligence, which exceeds that of the rest of you put  
together.  
  
Makoto: And yet, you still fell for Urawa-kun.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: We all have our crosses to bear.  
  
Makoto: That's a pretty big one.  
  
Ami: At least I GOT myself a boyfriend. You just brag about  
a lost one.  
  
Makoto: Let's not start down that path, again.  
  
Ami: Sign of desperation.  
  
Makoto: I said....  
  
Ami: Do I foresee the long, lonely years ahead?  
  
Makoto: Look, if you don't shuddup, I'll smash your face through  
the back of your head.  
  
Ami: Touchy.  
  
Makoto: Am I just?  
  
Ami: Yup.  
  
Makoto: Urawa.  
  
Ami: Stop it....  
  
Makoto: Urawa Urawa Urawa Urawa Urawa....  
  
Ami: Stop that!  
  
Makoto: You stop bagging me for not having a boyfriend, then.  
  
Ami: Why not? It's fun.  
  
Makoto: Amiiiiiiii.....  
  
Ami: Funny, too.  
  
Makoto: Listen, just one more word from your mouth, and I'll....  
  
Ami: Can I ask you a question?  
  
Makoto: WHAT!?!?  
  
Ami: Why do you always revert to violence to solve your   
problems? I do wish you were a tad more creative.  
  
Makoto: Oh. Yeah, right. I should have THOUGHT of that SO much  
sooner. Well, I'm SO SORRY that I get a real KICK out   
of beating the LIVING CRAP out of people who ANNOY the  
SHIT outta me.  
  
Ami: Tut tut tut.... All this stress is not doing you one   
bit of good.  
  
Makoto: STRESS? STRESS? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M STRESSED?   
I'M NOT STRESSED. HOW DARE YOU THINK I'M STRESSED!  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: You see.... This is what comes from not having a   
boyfriend.  
  
  
Makoto grips Ami by the strap of her swimsuit top and pulls her   
forward, violently.  
  
  
Makoto: One instant head ventilation system, coming up....  
  
Ami: Wait, it was just a joke....  
  
  
As Makoto lifts back her free fist to thump Ami one, a sand dune  
drops on top of the pair of them, smothering them both with a   
cacophony of frightened cries. After about a minute, their heads  
pop out from the top of the dune.  
  
  
Makoto: Okay, Miss Brain, explain the sudden and rapid movement  
of this friggin' dune.... They're not supposed to move  
that quickly.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Ya can't, can ya?  
  
Ami: Give me a few moments to postulate a ridiculous, but due  
to current events, mildly possible, theory.  
  
  
In the background, they can both hear the sounds of heavy machinery.  
  
  
Makoto: What the hell is that.  
  
Ami: Aha! Now I KNOW this is Queensland.  
  
Makoto: What do you mean?  
  
Ami: Coastal land developers.... That's why the dune was   
dumped on top of us. They don't like cheap tourists.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Would you like a hand getting out of this dune?  
  
Ami: Actually, I rather like it here.... It's cooler in the  
sand than it is out of it.  
  
Makoto: If I don't get out of it, then I'm gonna become out of   
it. Would you mind explaining to me how we managed to   
be in Queensland.  
  
Ami: Existentialist angst on the part of the author?  
  
Makoto: Yes, well, that would be a contributing factor. By the  
way, isn't it about time one of us are killed?  
  
Ami: What do you mean?  
  
Makoto: He always kills one of us off, usually in the first   
chapter....  
  
  
Scene: Tokyo. Usagi is sitting on a park bench, minding her own   
business, when from out of nowhere, an arrow goes through her head.  
After putting on a silly expression of surprise for what seems to be  
a minute, she falls to the ground, dead. We return to the beach,   
where Ami is looking daggers at Makoto.  
  
  
Ami: Why'd you HAVE to remind him?  
  
Makoto: Ah, it's nothing.... He'll just resurrect her later.  
  
Ami: Yeah, to kill her again....  
  
Makoto: By the way, don't you feel rather silly having a   
conversation whilst you are up to your neck in sand?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: The sand....  
  
Makoto: What about it?  
  
Ami: It's awfully white.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: What about it?  
  
Ami: Don't you think the sand is white?  
  
Makoto: Yes, it's awfully white. What about it?  
  
Ami: I just thought I'd mention it.  
  
Makoto: What is the point?  
  
Ami: Hmm?  
  
Makoto: What is the point?  
  
Ami: What is the point of anything? I really do wonder,   
sometimes....  
  
Makoto: Not that! I mean, what was the point of mentioning the  
colour of the sand?  
  
Ami: What is the point of anything? I really do wonder,   
sometimes....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: You didn't take your medication before we left, did you?  
  
  
END OF PART 11  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Are Ami and Makoto buried up to their   
necks in sand, or is it just a figment of their imagination. For no  
answers to these questions, stay tuned for the next exciting chapter  
of the interminable saga of Ami and Makoto in "Waiting for Minako".  
Wrapped in a super-dimensional 3D txt file, maybe. ^_^  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Version 32.1 - Wednesday, October the 14th in the Year of Our Lard   
1998 (Snork Snork Snork) 


	12. Waiting For Minako part 12: The Madness

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Twelve - The Madness  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: A beach, supposedly in North Queensland (cue banjos) but this  
has not been confirmed by our operatives. Ami and Makoto are up to   
their necks in sand, slowly cooking in the bright sunlight. There   
is the sound of heavy machinery in the background.  
  
  
Makoto: You didn't take your medication before we left, did you?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: No, I didn't.  
  
Makoto: Thought so.  
  
Ami: You didn't have to go and tell everyone that I've been   
prescribed a form of psychiatric medication.  
  
Makoto: I didn't.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: You didn't have to make me mention the fact that I've   
been prescribed a form of psychiatric medication in   
front of everyone.  
  
  
Makoto looks from side to side.  
  
  
Makoto: In front of whom? Hmmm?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: In front of the people in my head.  
  
Makoto: Oh.... Very funny. Ha ha. It is to laugh.  
  
Ami: I'm not joking. They're trying to get out. Oh Kami-  
sama.... I can feel them pounding on the inside of my  
skull.  
  
Makoto: Come on.... This isn't funny.  
  
Ami: My head is going to explode....  
  
Makoto: Stop it.... You're scaring me.  
  
  
Ami clenches her teeth and makes a strange groaning noise as her   
face goes beetroot-red. Makoto goes bug-eyed and ducks back into   
the sand. There is a squidgy, exploding sound....  
  
Meanwhile, in Hades, Usagi wanders the dark and dingy halls with the  
kind of aimless expression and gait that one should expect of the   
recently dead, arrow still fitfully planted through her head.. She   
bumps into a young, dark-haired woman, dressed in a budo training   
costume, with a sword stuck through her heart and a cross scar on   
her left cheek.  
  
  
Kaoru: Oi! Watch it.  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Kaoru: Hey.... Haven't I seen you before, somewhere?  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Kaoru: You're that lead character chick from that Sailor thingy  
show.... What are you doing down here? You're not   
supposed to be dead.  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Kaoru: Don't say much, do you.  
  
Usagi: I'm sorry. I've got something in my mind at the moment.  
You aren't supposed to be dead, either.  
  
Kaoru: Great. Now you tell me.  
  
  
Kaoru disappears in a flash of recent plot development, leaving   
Usagi alone once more. Usagi curses and fingers the arrow tenderly.  
  
  
Usagi: Whoever sent this wanted to get straight to the point.   
Ouchie....  
  
  
Back at the beach in Queensland, there is a large, bloody mess   
covering the sand dune. Makoto pops her head from out of the top,  
peering around tentatively.  
  
  
Makoto: Ami...?  
  
  
She raises her head further out of the dune, and spies the bloody   
stump of a neck where Ami's head used to be.  
  
  
Makoto: AMI!!!!  
  
Ami: Yes?  
  
  
Makoto turns and peers up at the figure who stands above her.  
  
  
Makoto: A.... Ami?  
  
Ami: You were expecting someone else?  
  
Makoto: But.... But... but....  
  
Ami: Oh, don't worry about the mess.... I always keep a   
spare body, just in case I have an unexpected death   
scene. Happens all the time. It's in our contract, you  
know....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: People... just don't go around, swapping bodies at will,  
you know?  
  
Ami: Ha! That's what you plebs think. I, if you have   
forgotten, happen to be the resident genius of this   
series. I can do what I like.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Would you mind helping me out of this sand dune?  
  
Ami: I'd be delighted.  
  
  
Ami grips Makoto around the head and yanks her from the snad dune,   
falling backwards as she does so. The pair tumble down the side of  
the dune, creating a minor sandslide as they do so. They hit the   
bottom with a solid thud.  
  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: That could have been done with a little more decorum.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Some holiday this turned out to be.  
  
Ami: You're the one who followed me.  
  
Makoto: I could still be waiting, back in the warm, safe   
confines of a brick wall in the middle of Tokyo.... But  
no....  
  
Ami: Are you blaming this all on me?  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: The thought has crossed my mind, yes.  
  
Ami: That'd be right. Everyone blames everything on me.  
  
Makoto: That's because you're short, and have blue hair.  
  
Ami: I do NOT have blue hair. Look!  
  
  
Ami pulls grips her blue locks, and pulls away a wig, revealing   
bright fluorescent pink hair. Makoto puts up her hands in horror.  
  
  
Makoto: ARRGGHHH! Put it back.... Put it back.... You're   
killing me....  
  
  
Ami replaces the blue wig and sits up, crossing her arms.  
  
  
Ami: It's because of hair-prejudiced people like you that I  
have to wear the blue wig. Everyone thinks that pink   
hair is a sign of stupidity in anime genetics....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: But it is.  
  
Ami: That's beside the point. I can hardly act the   
intellectual with pink hair, now can I?  
  
Makoto: Yeah, I suppose so.  
  
Utena: What was that I heard youse bitches talking about us  
chicks wiv pink hair, eh?  
  
  
Ami and Makoto turn to spot Tenjou Utena, dressed in a swimsuit and  
holding a large mallet, standing behind them. She is bouncing the  
mallet on her shoulder.  
  
Insert sounds of physical violence and cries of distress here.  
  
Meanwhile, back in Hades, Usagi is face to face with a wall....  
  
  
Usagi: So, what do you think? Should I dump this joint and   
return to the world of the living?  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Maybe I should purchase a nice little package of land  
in the outskirts of Tokyo.... Marry an ordinary  
salaryman, raise a couple of bureaucrats....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Nah, that's silly, don't you think?  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Could never afford to raise bureaucrats.... Be like  
trying run a Rolls on a Goggomobile budget....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Of course, I could always join another show.... Yeah,  
die my hair black, age thirteen years and drink a lot.  
What do you think?  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Are you sure? I'd have thought I'd make a great  
Misato. After all, we share the same seiyuu....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: There is no need to be rude!  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Yes, well.... I suppose having one's show cancelled  
on you does tend to leave you a little bitter and  
twisted.... Nobody got to see me in full flight as  
Serenity.... Pisses me off righteously....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: It's not the money, you know.... I've never really  
been interested in the money.... I just did the job  
for the love of it.... I mean, I know there were a  
lot of repeated scenes, and the odd monster of the  
week.... Well, maybe a LOT of monsters of the week.  
But it was, like, really fun, you know?  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Really cathartic, too, using those attacks and   
things.... Great for getting the shit out of the  
system.  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: And there were the little lurks and perks.... You  
know, like the bishounen of your choice for the  
evening.... You won't believe who I had in my  
time....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: They're right, you know. Talking to walls is a   
sign of madness....  
  
Wall: Especially if they answer back. ^_^  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
  
END OF PART 11  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Are Ami and Makoto being beaten up by   
Utena? Is Usagi really in Hades with an arrow through her head? Or   
is it just a figment of their imagination? For no answers to these   
questions, stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of the   
interminable saga of Ami and Makoto in "Waiting for Minako". Under   
the guise of "The Complete Cooking Guide to Anime Characters".   
Mmmm.... Ranma and Batter Pudding.... Doesn't that just make your   
mouth water? ^_^  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Version 1.0 - It was a usual morning in Nerima.... Where did that   
come from? Mumble mumble turtle scrubs grumble grumble....   
Wednesday, 21st October 1998.... 


	13. Waiting For Minako part 13: The Unlucky

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Thirteen - The Unlucky  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: A beach, supposedly in North Queensland (cue banjos) but this  
has not been confirmed by our operatives. Ami and Makoto are lying  
on the beach, battered and bruised after a beating by an angry   
Tenjou Utena, annoyed at their apparent prejudice against pink-  
haired bimbos.... I mean people.... Ahem....  
  
It is now night, and they are staring up at the stars.  
  
  
Makoto: I think I'm missing a couple of teeth.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: I can still taste the blood in my mouth.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Are you conscious, yet?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Didn't think so. You know, I'm beginning to wonder,   
why were we waiting for Minako, back in Tokyo?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: It seems like so long ago, now.... Standing by that  
wall, in the park.... What were we waiting for?   
Precious minutes of our finite lives, wasting away like  
that....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: I guess it is our destiny to suffer like this....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Of course, we aren't supposed to die, or anything. Not  
only are our characters supposed to have eternal lives,  
we are the products of the minds of others.... As long  
as something of our performances exists, we shall never  
die.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Of course, you know, this means we've never lived,   
either. A fictional character has no real life of their  
own, other than that that exists in the minds of real  
people....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Everything we've suffered, recently, is merely the   
product of a sick-minded individual, sitting in front of  
a computer, somewhere in the world.... And more than   
that.... We've all died, so many times, in so many   
different ways, in the minds of people all over the   
planet.... It makes me wonder, sometimes, just what  
constitutes life....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: I mean, everyone knows who I am.... I'm Kino Makoto,   
also known as Lita to some.... I'm the tall   
Sailorsenshi in the green and pink costume that runs  
about, shouting lines pertaining to Jupiter. I'm a  
great cook and housekeeper, and regard Usagi as a little  
sister, protecting her because of some perceived sense  
of strength on my part.... I beat up petty thugs in the  
street, making it safe for ordinary people.... My sense  
of independence.... perhaps engendered by the passing   
of my parents....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: But I am nothing more than a character in the minds of  
others. I never had any parents. To argue otherwise is  
futile. And is my role, as Sailorjupiter, nothing more  
than an extension of the thuggish behaviour I used to  
be party to before I met Usagi?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: I don't know why I'm saying all this. All I'm doing is  
talking to the stars.... Billions of them, in the night  
sky.... A sky that exists only in the minds of those   
who read this.... How truly unlucky can someone get, to  
be nothing more than the figment of the imagination....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: It suggests that there really is no reason for people to  
concern themselves over what happens to me.... I don't  
really exist.... They can beat me and rape me and kill   
me as many times as they like. I'll just keep coming  
back, in stranger and stranger adventures, all within   
the mind, for one must get stranger to extract something  
new from a character that has been written out too many  
times to contemplate....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: You know, any moment now, we could both die.... Die,   
because the person writing for us wants us to.... I   
mean, all my sentiments, everything I've just felt,   
weren't really my sentiments or feelings at all. I'm  
like a puppet, being controlled from on high by someone  
who, perhaps, doesn't really care about me at all....  
Or do they? If they do, they're certainly hiding it  
well. We could both die, at any given moment, and then  
be resurrected to face more trials and torments. That   
is our sad, unlucky destiny.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: I mean, Usagi is in Hades at the moment. She ended up  
with an arrow through her head.... I mean, what kind of  
death is that to give someone? nobody wants to die that  
way.... It's so.... so STUPID. It makes me so angry to  
think that someone can just go ahead and do whatever   
they like to someone I care about....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: But my feelings are not real. I don't really care about  
Usagi. That is just what I've been made to do by the  
person who created me.... I'm not real. I'm not real.  
  
Ami: Mako.... Mako-chaaaan....  
  
Makoto: Ami?  
  
  
Makoto turns to Ami, but the girl is still unconscious.  
  
  
Ami: Mako-chan, wake up.... Mako-chaaaaan.  
  
Makoto: Ami? What is.... What is going....  
  
  
The world begins to swim in front of Makoto's eyes, then she sits up  
straight in surprise, Ami kneeling next to her, both looking the   
worse for wear.  
  
  
Makoto: What.... What the hell was....  
  
Ami: Thank goodness, you're finally awake.  
  
Makoto: What happened?  
  
Ami: That bitch, Tenjou Utena, beat us up, then said   
something about us never being worthy for the bride of  
the rose, or something like that.... Dunno what she was  
talking about.  
  
Makoto: Ouchie.... I think I'm missing some teeth.  
  
Ami: That's nothing. My arm is broken. It hurts to move it.  
  
Makoto: I can taste the blood.... It's horrible.... I hate   
that taste.  
  
Ami: My right arm, it is. It has gone all dark and swollen.  
She whapped me one something brutal, there.... It hurts  
so much.  
  
Makoto: I tasted blood, so long ago.... First time I ever got   
in a fight.... This guy thumped me across the jaw. I  
decided I never wanted to taste it, again.  
  
Ami: Ano.... Mako-chan.... My arm?  
  
Makoto: Your arm?  
  
Ami: Yes.... My arm.  
  
Makoto: What about your arm?  
  
Ami: I think it's broken.  
  
Makoto: Nothing that a few nails and some superglue can't fix.  
  
Ami: Ano.... this IS an arm we're talking about, here....  
  
Makoto: Yes, and a fine specimen of one I may add, too....  
  
Ami: Mako-chan.... My arm is BROKEN.... This is a medical  
condition, not something that can be fixed by a home  
handyman.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Have you ever tried?  
  
Ami: It's not a matter of trying, fer Chrissakes.... It's a  
matter of basic common sense. If I don't see a doctor  
quickly, I could be in real trouble.  
  
  
Makoto looks around at the darkened beach.  
  
  
Makoto: You're in real trouble. Just thought you'd like to know  
that.  
  
  
Ami socks Makoto one across the chops.  
  
  
Makoto: Owwowwwowwwwie.  
  
Ami: There goes another couple of teeth....  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Hades....  
  
  
Usagi: You know, this is the first time I've ever had a   
conversation with a wall.  
  
Wall: Well, you know what they say.... "Walls have ears".  
We've just never had mouths to match, that's all....  
  
Usagi: Ah, I see....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Did I ever tell you about the time I had a conversation  
with a field of flowers?  
  
  
END OF PART 13  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Have Ami and Makoto really been beaten up   
by Utena? Is Usagi really in Hades with an arrow through her head?   
Or is it just a figment of their imagination? For no answers to   
these questions, stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of the   
interminable saga of Ami and Makoto in "Waiting for Minako". For  
the never to be repeated price of $1,000,000.... With a rip like  
that, you know why it'll never be repeated. ^_^  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Version 1.0 - I can hear the mountains calling... Awoooooo Awoooooo  
  
Otherwise known as Thursday 22nd October 1998.... Well, it could be  
worse.... It could be Tuesday.... Then you'd be two days behind  
yourself. Awoooooga Awoooooga.... Ooops.... There goes the Brain  
Melting Alarm.... Must stop before I gosdflaagfaergkegr.ekaf.vqerg2 


	14. Waiting For Minako part 14: The Conversa...

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Fourteen - The Conversation  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: Hades, somewhere in a dark and dingy cavern. Usagi, who has  
died after receiving an arrow through her head, is talking to a   
friendly wall, with arrow still planted firmly through cranium.  
  
  
Usagi: Did I ever tell you about the time I had a conversation  
with a field of flowers?  
  
Wall: No, you just started talking to me, remember?  
  
Usagi: Oh yes, how forgetful of me.... I'm not normally that  
forgetful.  
  
Wall: Must be the arrow through your head. Is that how you  
died?  
  
  
Usagi touches the sharp end of the arrow and winces.  
  
  
Usagi: 'Fraid so.... I'm too scared to take it out.... Dunno  
what would happen.  
  
Wall: It's worth a try. It might improve your memory.  
  
Usagi: Nah. Only one thing can improve my memory.  
  
  
Usagi's eyes get all shimmery as little love hearts start dancing   
around her. (probably a hangover from the hash cookies in Barking  
Snout Nine).  
  
  
Usagi: My Mamo-chan.... He is my light.... My energy.... My  
love....  
  
Wall: Need I remind you that you're dead and he isn't?  
  
Usagi: Yes, well, that's a bit of a bummer, I agree.  
  
Wall: Better pull the arrow out, then. I doubt he'll want to  
continue a relationship with you with that thing still   
in there.  
  
Usagi: How will we continue a relationship with my being dead?  
  
Wall: Dunno.... Stranger things have happened. Shades walk  
all over the Earth, didn't you know?  
  
Usagi: Nah. Never seen one. By the way, is my old mother down  
here?  
  
Wall: Hmm?  
  
Usagi: You know.... Looks like me, excluding the fact that,   
having been present when the Silver Millennium went   
kablooey, she's likely to look like pate'.  
  
Wall: Oh, you mean Queen Serenity.... Yeah, she's down here,  
somewhere. Pulled herself together and runs a Nook   
Parlour with Black Lady and Mistress Nine....  
  
Usagi: What?  
  
Wall: Yeah.... She keeps whipping people, demanding they call   
her THE QUEEN....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: No wonder the Silver Millennium went kablooey....  
  
Wall: Don't be disheartened.... There is still a position   
open....  
  
Usagi: Are you suggesting I spend the rest of eternity working   
in an underworld whorehouse with my MOTHER?  
  
Wall: Well, it will be a long, boring wait, otherwise.  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: I wonder if the guys down here like chicks with arrows  
through their head....  
  
Wall: Could start a craze.  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Don't think so.  
  
Wall: Neither do I.  
  
Usagi: Argh! What am I going to do?  
  
Wall: Well, I'm not going anywhere. You could stay and talk   
to me.  
  
Usagi: What? Spend the rest of eternity talking to a wall?  
  
Wall: Yeah.... You won't believe the interesting people who  
walk by. Hey, look! There's Elvis! YO! ELVIS!  
  
Elvis: Owzit goin', dere, Mister Wall.  
  
Wall: Stop by some time.  
  
Elvis: Okay.... Sankya very much.... Uhuhuh....  
  
  
Usagi watches the rotund, sequin encrusted corpse walking past with  
boggled eyes as it swings its hips and starts to sing "All Shook   
Up".  
  
  
Wall: Ah yes.... He's a real card. Been fun ever since he  
turned up here....  
  
Usagi: That's Elvis.  
  
Wall: Yeah, no shit.  
  
Usagi: What is he doing down here? He was supposed to be   
kidnapped by aliens....  
  
Wall: Actually, he was attacked by Iron Mouse for his star   
seed.... It was shaped like a hamburger, you know?  
  
Usagi: Hot damn!  
  
Wall: Yeah, but she got hungry and ate it before she gave it   
to Galaxia.... Tablelamp Head wasn't happy about it...  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Wall: .....  
  
Usagi: Whatever happened to those losers, anyway?  
  
  
Somewhere, four young women, in various states of dress,   
all vaguely resembling the human forms of a mouse, a fish, a crow and   
a cat, ride in a cart being dragged by a horse through the wild   
plains of the middle of nowhere.  
  
  
TN: Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into.  
  
LC: Oh shutup, at least you weren't sucked into a black hole.  
  
TN: Hmph!  
  
AS: Now now now, there's no point fighting over this. Its a   
bit late to do anything about it.  
  
TN: So says the dumb cow with a name like "Aluminium Siren".   
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?  
  
AS: Yeah? Well at least people can work it out for   
themselves. How about "Tin Nyanko", eh eh eh? Nobody   
who has anything less than the most basic smattering of   
Japanese in their repertoire will be able to clue that   
one out. *snicker* Nyanko the Wanko!  
  
TN: Hmph! You're just mad cos I got Galaxia to snuff ya.  
  
AS: Indeed. The concept of "I just killed you, but let's be   
friends anyway" doesn't appeal to me.  
  
TN: Let's be friends! Let's be friends! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
AS: Crowww.... She's picking on me....  
  
LC: Yeah you dumb bitch. You leave Siren alone.  
  
TN: Hmmmmm.... Do I detect a little closeness between the   
pair of you, eeehhhhh?  
  
LC: B..b..bb...BAKA! What makes you think that?  
  
IM: Don't mind me. I'm just sulking.  
  
TN: Shutup, you!  
  
IM: Sorry.  
  
AS: Jeez, we'll never end up in any SM sequel movies now.  
  
LC: What makes you say that? Isn't the series finished now?  
  
AS: What? Bandai? Ever finish a series they can make money   
from?  
  
LC: Indeed.  
  
TN: Hmmm.  
  
IM: Should have finished Gundam after episode 1 of Gundam V.  
  
AS: They DID finish Gundam after episode 1 of Gundam V. Well   
and truly finished it.  
  
IM: Some might say they finished SM after episode 1 of the   
original series.  
  
TN: Nah, that was after Chibiusa appeared.  
  
AS: If they DID finish the series at a logical point, we'd   
have never appeared.  
  
LC: Nah. We'd have just ended up in a future volume of   
Sailor V.  
  
IM: Yeah, but some BASTARDS out there won't accept us as   
being senshi!  
  
AS: Yeah! The bloody SCUM! WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE! WE'LL 'AVE   
YOU!  
  
LC: Who are you talkin' to?  
  
AS: Dunno. Sorry.... Don't mind me.  
  
TN: Jeez, I hope they never dub Sailorstars.  
  
IM: Why?  
  
TN: I can see myself with an even wankier voice than the one   
I had in Japanese....  
  
AS: Thats what you get when you give an anime the DIC.  
  
LC: Oooooh, Daariiiieeeen.  
  
AS: Oooooh, Sereeeeeena.  
  
TN: Will you two stop that. *barf*  
  
IM: Yeah, thats Haruka and Michiru's job.  
  
AS: But we're dead, so it doesn't matter anyway.  
  
IM: Speak for yourself.  
  
LC: Watch it, or you'll get a fist up the conk.  
  
IM: Sorry.  
  
LC: So you should be, shorty  
  
IM: Who are you calling short?  
  
LC: You.  
  
IM: Oh... Well, that's alright, then....  
  
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH, SAFFIRU, DISGUISED AS A DOOR, HAD  
HIS KNOB SHOT OFF.  
  
LC: Where did that come from?  
  
TN: Buggered if I know.  
  
AS: Kinky....  
  
  
END OF PART 14  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Where are Ami and Makoto? Is Usagi really   
dead, and does this mean another round of "Usagi is Dead"? Where   
are the Sailor Anima-Mates, and are they a figment of their  
imaginations? For no answers to these questions, stay tuned for the   
next exciting chapter of the interminable saga of Ami and Makoto in   
"Waiting for Minako". The fanfic that brings new meaning to the   
phrase.... "WHAT the FUCK!?!?!?!" In that order, even. ^_^  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Version 1.0 - Ahm havin' a wee problem with ma Goggomobile....   
That's Gee Oh Gee Gee Oh.... What? You'll have it ready by   
Thursday, the 29th of October, 1998? It's a whee ripper, I tell ya.  
  
(VOOKUM VOOKUM HALLEBROOKUM) 


	15. Waiting For Minako part 15: The Directio...

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Fifteen - The Direction  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: A beach in Northern Queensland at night. The vague outlines  
of Ami and Makoto, dressed in skimpy swimsuits, wander the beach   
aimlessly. In the distance can be heard the sound of gunshots,   
banjos and hillbillies. Every time they hear a gunshot, both girls  
jump and stare into the dunes, then shake their heads and continue.  
  
  
Ami: My arm still hurts....  
  
Makoto: It'll hurt even more if you don't shutup.  
  
Ami: Do you hear those guns?  
  
Makoto: We can't be anywhere but Queensland.  
  
Ami: It's scary....  
  
Makoto: They don't like strangers up here.  
  
Ami: What makes you think that?  
  
Makoto: Dumping a sand dune on us is a pretty good sign.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: But it was damn fine sand.  
  
Makoto: Yeah, it was, at that.  
  
Ami: Otherwise we wouldn't have been able to crawl out of it   
so easily.  
  
Makoto: You're right, there.  
  
Ami: Of course I'm right. I'm the resident smartass here.  
  
Makoto: Don't get cocky.  
  
  
There is another gunshot, and they both jump a couple of feet.  
  
  
Ami: What do you think they're doing?  
  
Makoto: Probably running through a couple of Japanese tourists.  
  
Ami: What makes you think that?  
  
Makoto: They have a history of doing that up here.  
  
Ami: They have a history of doing that to ONE up here.  
  
Makoto: One in, all in. That's what I say. Besides.... The   
only reason they act so friendly is to suck you in....  
"Come into my parlour...."  
  
Ami: You're getting paranoid in your old age.  
  
  
There is another gunshot.  
  
  
Makoto: You mean that's a figment of my paranoia?  
  
Ami: Could be.  
  
Makoto: It's an awfully functional paranoia, if you ask me.  
  
Ami: I didn't ask you.  
  
Makoto: No, I thought I'd ask you for you.  
  
Ami: I didn't want you to ask me for me.  
  
Makoto: But you looked like you wanted me to ask you for you.  
  
Ami: I deny that I looked like I wanted you to ask me for me.  
  
Makoto: Are you sure you didn't want me to ask you for you?  
  
Ami: Yes, I am damn sure I didn't want you to ask me for me.  
  
Makoto: Are you sure you're sure?  
  
Ami: I'm pretty damn sure I'm sure.  
  
Makoto: But are you sure you're sure you're sure?  
  
Ami: I'm more sure than you're sure.  
  
Makoto: But how sure are you that I'm sure?  
  
Ami: As sure as you're possibly not sure.  
  
Makoto: Ah, but there is a possibility that I am sure, isn't   
there?  
  
Ami: As sure as I think you're sure, I think the possibility  
is not as sure as you like to think it is.  
  
Makoto: But can you be sure?  
  
Ami: I'm more sure than you on that account.  
  
Makoto: Well, I'm sure that I am lost.  
  
Ami: I'm not so sure that you're as lost as you seem.  
  
Makoto: You can't be sure that I'm not as sure as you think I   
am.  
  
Ami: But I am a great deal surer than you are.  
  
Makoto: How can you be so sure?  
  
Ami: Because I know you aren't as sure as you think you are.  
Of that, you can be assured.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: What are we talking about?  
  
Ami: I'm not sure.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: It's raining jellybeans.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: All colours, including the black ones.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Which begs the question.... Considering it is the   
middle of the night, and there is no light to be seen,  
how can I see them?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: What are you doing?  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: You're eating them, aren't you?  
  
Ami: Mmm.... They're good.  
  
Makoto: You've just reminded me....  
  
Ami: Of what? *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: I'm hungry. *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: I like the green ones.  
  
Makoto: I prefer red.  
  
Ami: The green ones are tangy.  
  
Makoto: Red are juicier.  
  
Ami: I like the black ones, sometimes.  
  
Makoto: I don't like aniseed.  
  
Ami: The white ones are.... okay.  
  
Makoto: Vanilla is sweet.  
  
Ami: I can't stand the yellow or purple ones.  
  
Makoto: Pink ones I can do without.  
  
Ami: I bet you've eaten all the green ones.  
  
Makoto: I have not.  
  
Ami: I can't find any green ones.  
  
Makoto: I told you, I only like red.  
  
Ami: I can't find any red ones, either.  
  
Makoto: Yeah, that would be right.  
  
Ami: What?  
  
Makoto: It's SOOOOO typical, that we'd only have the ones we  
hate left.... We've probably eaten all the red and   
green ones.  
  
Ami: But they're still falling.  
  
Makoto: Then look on the sand.  
  
  
Ami and Makoto start scrabbling across the sand, picking up handfuls  
of jellybeans and shoving them into their mouths.  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: Mmmm.... these are good.  
  
Makoto: We haven't eaten in.... Ohh, how long is it?  
  
Ami: Dunno.... Can't remember.  
  
Makoto: Where are we, anyway?  
  
Ami: Dunno.... Can't remember.  
  
  
There is a gunshot.  
  
  
Ami: Ah, now I remember. North Queensland.  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: No fair. You're eating more than me.  
  
Makoto: I'm bigger than you, remember?  
  
Ami: Yeah.... You somehow have to fill up that vacant lot  
inside your head.  
  
Makoto: Shutup and keep eating.  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: *munch munch*  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: Ah, I'm full....  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: You still hungry?  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: Come on.... They're nice.... But all that sugar....  
It'll make you fat!  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: Unless you like being fat.  
  
Makoto: I found a mother lode of red ones. Excuse me whilst I   
mine the crap outta them.  
  
Ami: Oh really! You can be so childish, sometimes.  
  
Makoto: I deny that! I'm childish all the time, so there, nyah  
boo!  
  
Ami: Honestly!  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: Ne, Mako-chan?  
  
Makoto: What?  
  
Ami: Where are we going?  
  
Makoto: Don't look at me. I know Queensland like I know the   
arse end of Fomalcaut.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: Who the hell taught you enough astronomy that you can   
name as obscure a star as Fomalcaut?  
  
Makoto: You did.  
  
Ami: Oh yes.... So I did. Anyway. Queensland is really big   
and scary. How are we ever going to get out of here?  
  
Makoto: Let me think about that for a bit.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: *munch munch*  
  
Ami: You just want time to finish your jellybeans, don't you?  
  
Makoto: Damn.... Read me like a book. *munch munch*  
  
  
END OF PART 15  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Does Minako even exist? Are Ami and   
Makoto on a beach in scary north Queensland, eating jellybeans that   
have rained from the sky, or is it all a figment of your   
imagination? For no answers to these questions, stay tuned for the   
next exciting chapter of the interminable saga of Ami and Makoto in   
"Waiting for Minako". In strawberry, pineapple, vanilla, musk,   
grape, lime and aniseed. Available never from your local candy   
store. ^_^  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
p.s. yes, I did develop a fetish for jellybeans whilst writing this  
story.... And yes, red and green ones are my favourites. Mind you,  
I quite like those tiny little gourmet ones as well.... But they   
just don't match it with the big, fat, traditional ones.... :D~~~~~O  
  
Then, of course, there is the thing I have for Turkish Delight....   
But I think I'll save that until after the pizza arrives. ^_^  
  
Verzhin Wun - Mundee, Twuntythud of Noovumbar Noonteen Noontee Eat 


	16. Waiting For Minako part 16: The Unknown

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Sixteen - The Unknown  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: Ami and Makoto, in skimpy swimsuits, wandering a beach at   
dawn, looking bedraggled and tired.  
  
  
Makoto: Where are we, again?  
  
Ami: Why do you ask?  
  
Makoto: I've forgotten....  
  
  
A sheep flies overhead.  
  
  
Sheep: Baaaaaaaa.  
  
Ami: New Zealand?  
  
  
There is a gunshot, and the sheep falls to the ground.  
  
  
Ami: Nope. Still looks like Queensland.  
  
Makoto: Bummer.  
  
Ami: The poor sheep.  
  
Makoto: I was really hoping this wasn't real.  
  
Ami: What kind of person could shoot an innocent sheep?  
  
Makoto: I really want to be back in Tokyo....  
  
Ami: It never hurt anyone.  
  
Makoto: ....Waiting by that wall.  
  
Ami: Even if it was a violent psychomaniac, what the hell   
could a sheep do?  
  
Makoto: Waiting for.... I can't remember who we were waiting  
for....  
  
Ami: The person who shot that sheep is an animal!  
  
Makoto: Perhaps we weren't really waiting for anyone.... We   
were just wasting our time....  
  
Ami: No, that's an insult to animals.  
  
Makoto: Wasting precious seconds of our lives.  
  
Ami: The person who shot that sheep was a monster!  
  
Makoto: Whatever life it is we were living.  
  
Ami: That's an insult, even to monsters.  
  
Makoto: I want to go home.  
  
Ami: Monsters would never shoot sheep.  
  
Makoto: Even though there is nobody waiting for me, there.  
  
Ami: They'd just eat them, whole.  
  
Makoto: Even though I live alone.  
  
Ami: Lets face it, a monster has to live, too.  
  
Makoto: I don't like living alone.  
  
Ami: Funny we haven't bumped into any monsters, lately.  
  
Makoto: But I'd prefer it to this! This is hell.  
  
Ami: No, this is Queensland.  
  
Makoto: Same difference.  
  
Ami: Quite a few people would disagree with you, there.  
  
Makoto: I don't think so, somehow.  
  
Ami: Ah look! The sun's coming up.  
  
  
Ami points at the horizon, and Makoto turns, just as the sun peeps  
its head over the ocean. They watch it for several minutes, but are  
interrupted by a hillbilly with a gun.  
  
  
Hillbilly: Damn sun! Always risin' every day. We don't like   
strange suns round 'ere.  
  
  
The hillbilly aims his gun at the sun and sends off a volley of   
shots. Ami and Makoto look daggers at him.  
  
  
Ami: Mercury Planet Power, Make Up!  
  
Makoto: Jupiter Planet Power, Make Up!  
  
  
Insert two overlong henshin sequences here. The hillbilly stops and  
watches as they change into Sailormercury and Sailorjupiter.  
  
  
Mercury: For killing innocent sheep....  
  
Jupiter: And for trying to stop the sun rising....  
  
Both: We shall punish you!  
  
  
The hillbilly starts to laugh out loud as they both pose, then   
clutches his chest and falls to the ground, dead. Mercury and   
Jupiter glance at each other, momentarily.  
  
  
Jupiter: ....And theres more where that came from!  
  
Mercury: I think he suffered a severe Myocardial Infarction.  
  
Jupiter: I hope that was as painful as it sounds.  
  
Mercury: Do you get the feeling he didn't take us entirely   
seriously?  
  
Jupiter: Yes. Serves him right.  
  
Mercury: Hmm.... Well, now we can use Sailor Teleport to get  
us off this beach and back home.  
  
Jupiter: Why didn't we think of that, before?  
  
Mercury: I think it had something to do with us eating too many  
jellybeans.  
  
Jupiter: Don't remind me....  
  
  
Jupiter clutches her stomach as it gurgles. Mercury shakes her   
head, sadly.  
  
  
Mercury: I did tell you not to eat so many.  
  
Jupiter: Uhhh.... If I see another jellybean, I think I'm gonna  
throw up....  
  
Mercury: *sigh* I wonder how things are in Tokyo at the moment..  
  
  
Meanwhile, due to a remarkable coincidence upon the writer's part,   
in Tokyo, by the wall, Haruka and Michiru are sleeping soundly.   
Haruka's eyes begin to flutter and she smacks her lips. Staring   
blearily around at her surroundings, she nudges Michiru in the side.  
  
  
Haruka: Michiru....  
  
Michiru: ZZZzzzZZzzzZZZzzzzz....  
  
Haruka: Michiru, wake up....  
  
Michiru: ZZZZzzzZZZzzzz... hmm, what *snort* eh eh what's up?  
  
  
Michiru sits up, looking at Haruka with sleepy eyes.  
  
  
Haruka: Its morning. Almost.  
  
Michiru: Looks dark to me.  
  
Haruka: Whoops.... Forgot about the time difference between   
here and Queensland.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: There is almost no time difference between here and  
Queensland.  
  
Haruka: Shh.... Don't tell everybody that. It spoils the  
mood.  
  
Michiru: What mood?  
  
Haruka: They finally get a scene where you and I wake up   
together.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: Baka. Go back to sleep.  
  
Haruka: Yes, mistress.  
  
Michiru: And don't call me mistress.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: Call me Queen.  
  
  
Meanwhile, at the Hikawa shrine, Rei is playing with peoples' minds.  
  
  
Rei: And this is the daddy brain, and this is the mummy   
brain, and this is the baby brain, and they all lived in  
a big house, together, in the middle of the woods....  
  
  
Back in Queensland, on the beach.  
  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: You know something?  
  
Jupiter: What?  
  
Mercury: Maybe we should give up this idea about returning to   
Tokyo....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: You might be right, there.... It's not looking a very   
exciting prospect.  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: I wonder if there's any work about for tasters in a   
jellybean factory....  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Hades, at the local restaurant, Usagi is sitting,   
arrow still stuck in her head, looking very upset at the slightly  
foppish, demonic waiter.  
  
  
Usagi: What do you mean, you only have black jellybeans on the  
menu?  
  
Waiter: Well, this is hell....  
  
Usagi: No it's not, it's Hades.  
  
Waiter: Same difference.  
  
Usagi: Well, I want something other than a bowl of black   
jellybeans!  
  
Waiter: Well, you can always eat at the golden arches across the  
street....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Waiter: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Waiter: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Waiter: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Waiter: .....  
  
Usagi: Do they come with soy sauce?  
  
  
END OF PART 16  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Does Minako even exist? Are Ami and   
Makoto on a beach in scary north Queensland? Are Haruka and Michiru   
really the source of SOS's unfounded allegations about their   
relationship? Does Rei really play with the minds of others? Is   
she to blame for Ami and Makoto's predicament? Does Hades really   
have the Golden Arches? For no answers to these questions, stay   
tuned for the next exciting chapter of the interminable saga of Ami   
and Makoto in "McWaiting for McMinako" (tm). ^_^  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Version 1.0 - It's not Mac Time! 


	17. Waiting For Minako part 17: The Dinner

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Seventeen - The Dinner  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
But before we start.... An award  
  
DDFA's Lame Correspondence for the Month of November goes to....  
  
  
"John C Gormley"   
  
"Why do you hate Sailor Moon"  
  
  
Well, John, it's this complex I have.... My father used to nail me  
to the kitchen wall, and I've never been able to recover....   
Ahem... On with the show.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: A restaurant in Hades. Usagi is sitting at a table, staring  
around at the other patrons. She tunes into a conversation between  
a couple sitting at the table next to her.  
  
  
Woman: How do you prefer you fuzzy cute animals, darling?  
  
Man: Well, when I eat my Pikachus, I like to have a thick,   
electrified cheese sauce.... But with Ryo-oh-Kis, I   
think a light gravy goes best.  
  
Woman: And what about Roast Mokona?  
  
Man: Well, since Mokonas are made, predominantly, of   
marshmallow, I prefer to leave them for dessert. But   
they do go well with fruit, usually as part of a   
pavlova, garnished with a side serving of steamed Mikan.  
  
Woman: A side serving of Mikan, eh? Interesting. I always   
prefer to have my Mokona with a Hikaru.... They seem to  
go so well, together.  
  
Man: I prefer my Shidou Hikarus alone, usually hasslebacked   
with pepper.  
  
Woman: Hmm.... You're making my mouth water.... Redheads are  
a particularly favourite dish of mine.  
  
Man: Yes. Can you smell that mashed Onna-Ranma, coming from   
the kitchen?  
  
Woman: Oh, I detected the faint aroma of that most delightful   
dish when I walked into the establishment.  
  
  
Usagi turns as a waiter pushes a large trolley from the kitchen,   
atop which lies a freshly cooked Ayanami Rei in a blueberry sauce.   
She watches this gruesome sight wheel past her and over to a table   
where a grim-looking man with a small beard and dark glasses is   
sitting, hands linked across his mouth.  
  
  
Waiter: Your Ayanami a la Japonaise, sir.  
  
Gendou: Hmm.  
  
Waiter: Would you like any LCL with that?  
  
Gendou: Hmm.  
  
  
Usagi goes extremely pale and starts to shake, uncontrollably.  
  
  
Usagi: I've gotta ditch this afterworld, and soon.  
  
  
Another waiter arrives at Usagi's tableside with a covered dish on  
a platter. She looks up at him as he dramatically lifts the cover  
off.  
  
  
Waiter2: Your black jellybeans in soy sauce, ma'am. Bon appetit.  
  
  
He places the bowl on the table and walks away, leaving Usagi to   
stare disconsolately at her meal.  
  
  
Usagi: Black jellybeans.... There is nothing in the world I   
hate more than black jellybeans.  
  
Jellybeans: Well excuse us for existing.  
  
  
Usagi facefaults as the jellybeans stand up in her bowl.  
  
  
Jellybeans: We have sacrificed a life's worth of happiness just to  
be eaten by you. The very least you can do is show some  
appreciation.  
  
Usagi: Ano....  
  
Jellybeans: And besides.... Just because we're aniseed jellybeans   
doesn't give you the right to judge us by our colour,   
you jellybeanist slime, you!  
  
Usagi: Now listen here, I wasn't given any choice over what I   
could eat in this stinking underworld....  
  
  
Usagi looks around the restaurant at the other patrons, who are   
eating various anime characters with relish.  
  
  
Usagi: The alternative doesn't bear thinking about. Now sit  
down and prepare to be digested.  
  
Jellybeans: We oughta call in the jellybean union on this one....  
  
Usagi: I said....  
  
Jellybeans: Alright, already... Jeez, you're not the one who has to  
lie down in this friggin' soy sauce.  
  
  
The jellybeans disappear back into the dark sauce. Usagi closes her  
eyes and summons up all the energy she can muster. She then picks   
up a pair of chopsticks and opens her eyes, staring into the bowl.  
  
  
Usagi: Death or Glory....  
  
  
She dips the chopsticks into the sauce. A jellybean jumps out of   
the sauce, giggling.  
  
  
Jellybean: Missed me.  
  
  
The jellybean disappears back into the sauce. Usagi stares into the  
bowl with surprise, sweatdropping. She tries to pick up another   
jellybean, this one also jumps out of her way.  
  
  
Jellybean: Nyah nyah nyah.... Can't catch me!  
  
  
Usagi is now as mad as hell. She whips the chopsticks through the   
bowl, desperately trying to catch one of the jellybeans, which are   
thrashing through the sauce like demented pirhana. After several  
minutes of this, Usagi takes a breather, still empty handed.  
  
  
Usagi: What the hell are these friggin' beans on?  
  
Waiter: What can I say? They're full o' beans.  
  
  
Usagi gives the waiter a murderous look as he walks past her table,  
then stares into the bowl from close range.  
  
  
Usagi: Alright, you bastards! You've forced me to use   
desperate measures.  
  
  
And with that, she plunges her face into the bowl. There is the   
sound of screaming and thrashing, then all goes quiet as Usagi   
raises her head, her cheeks bloated. With one gulp, she swallows   
the lot.  
  
  
Usagi: *Urrrrp* Shit, that tastes horrible!  
  
  
A large spiny anteater suddenly appears at the window of the   
restaurant, staring in at Usagi.  
  
  
S.Norman: D I N S D A L E ! ! ! !  
  
  
Usagi freaks.  
  
  
Meanwhile, by the wall in Tokyo....  
  
  
Haruka: *sniff* Can you smell something?  
  
Michiru: Yes, there is a bit of a pong in the air.  
  
Haruka: I wonder what it could be....  
  
Michiru: Probably the sewerage treatment plant, again.  
  
Haruka: But the sewerage treatment plant is on the other side of  
town.  
  
Michiru: It's the inversion layer, you see.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: What's an inversion layer?  
  
Michiru: Hmm?  
  
Haruka: What's an inversion layer?  
  
Michiru: An inversion layer?  
  
Haruka: Yes. What is it?  
  
Michiru: You want to know what an inversion layer is?  
  
Haruka: Yes. What is an inversion layer?  
  
Michiru: Why do you want to know?  
  
Haruka: Because you mentioned it.  
  
Michiru: Did I?  
  
Haruka: Yes, you did.  
  
Michiru: When?  
  
Haruka: Just a few moments ago.  
  
Michiru: How very interesting.  
  
Haruka: Well?  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Well?  
  
Michiru: Well what?  
  
Haruka: Are you going to tell me what it is?  
  
Michiru: Tell you what is what?  
  
Haruka: The inversion layer.  
  
Michiru: What inversion layer?  
  
Haruka: The one you were talking about.  
  
Michiru: Why would I be talking about an inversion layer?  
  
Haruka: Because of the pong.  
  
Michiru: Yes, now that you mention it.... There is a bit of a   
whiff in the air.  
  
Haruka: You said it had something to do with an inversion layer.  
  
Michiru: Did I?  
  
Haruka: Yes.  
  
Michiru: Well, it's true.  
  
Haruka: What is?  
  
Michiru: It does have something to do with the inversion layer.  
  
Haruka: Well, what is it?  
  
Michiru: Hmm?  
  
Haruka: What is the inversion layer?  
  
Michiru: The inversion layer?  
  
Haruka: Yes! What is it?  
  
Michiru: You want to know what an inversion layer is?  
  
Haruka: Oh Kami, YES! YES, I want to know what an inversion   
layer is.  
  
Michiru: No need to shout.  
  
Haruka: I AM NOT SHOUTING!  
  
Michiru: Yes you are.  
  
Haruka: NO I'M NOT! I'M NOT SHOUTING, DAMN YOU!  
  
Michiru: Well, I'd hardly call that whispering, would you?  
  
Haruka: WILL YOU JUST BLOODY WELL TELL ME WHAT A BLOODY   
INVERSION LAYER IS BEFORE I LOSE MY COOL?  
  
Michiru: Looks to me like you've already lost it.  
  
  
Haruka breaks down and starts to cry.  
  
  
Haruka: I only *sob* want to know *sob* what an inversion layer  
is.... Please tell me.  
  
Michiru: Well, come on....  
  
Haruka: What?  
  
Michiru: Say please.  
  
Haruka: Please.  
  
Michiru: Say pretty please.  
  
Haruka: Pretty please.  
  
Michiru: Pretty please.... what?  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Pretty please.... my great and powerful Queen and   
Master.  
  
  
Michiru giggles.  
  
  
Michiru: Kami, I love these power games....  
  
Haruka: Yes, my Queen.  
  
Michiru: So, you want me to tell you what an inversion layer is,  
do you?  
  
Haruka: Yes, my Queen.  
  
Michiru: Well, it's....  
  
  
END OF PART 17  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Does Minako even exist? Will Usagi   
have indigestion? Will Haruka ever discover what an inversion   
layer is? For no answers to these questions, stay tuned for the   
next exciting chapter of the interminable saga of Ami and Makoto in   
"Waiting for Minako". Just follow the links to the pong. ^_^  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Michiru: Just kidding. ^_^  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
  
VeRsIoN 1.0 - Friday, November 27th, 1998 (Were you expecting   
sometime else?) 


	18. Waiting For Minako part 18: The Dilemma

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Eighteen - The Dilemma  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: A dim and distant plain, on some unknown and mysterious   
vista. There is a cloud of dust on the horizon, and a figure can be  
seen, running as quickly as she can. She is dressed in red pants   
and a white shirt with a yellow strip running across her chest, with  
a large cape flapping behind her. She has red-brown hair, and is   
rather short. She comes to a sudden halt, looking from side to side  
with much interest.  
  
  
Lina: I'm sure I heard someone mention something about an   
Inverse Layer....  
  
  
Meanwhile, in a small house in Adelaide, Australia, at 6am, a large,  
rotund figure is sitting in an equally large, brown tv chair, in   
front of his computer, which is atop a large, wooden, light blue   
painted table that had been built by his grandfather. The figure is  
dressed in nothing more than a white shirt and underpants, having   
failed, completely, to get any sleep due to something called SIU.   
He briefly turns to the large Mokona plushie that is sitting on the  
small table, next to the chair.  
  
  
DDFA: What am I going to do, Mokona-chan.... How am I going   
to get Usagi out of Hades, and Ami and Makoto back in   
Tokyo, where they shall come face to face with the   
terrible Zodin, and defeat her, aided by a small man who  
travels in a blue police telephone box....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
DDFA: Jesus, I must be tired.... Now I'm talking to stuffed   
dolls....  
  
  
DDFA stands and steps around the partition that divides the area   
where his computer sits and the small, messy kitchenette,   
resplendent with unwashed dishes, bits of paper, items of no value  
and the occasional note stuck to the cupboards or the fridge. This  
displays much of DDFA's state of mind as he ignores it all and makes  
himself a cup of coffee. He returns to his computer with the   
coffee, and saves WfM part 18 to see how big the file is, not   
realising he has saved it under part 17, losing that part in the   
process. After much ranting and raving, he retrieves part 17 from a  
backup copy, and wonders why the computer didn't warn him about the  
problem in the first place. He then saves part 18 under its own   
name, and starts drinking the coffee. He then diverts himself from  
the story to read through his mail, finding some interest in a list  
of Rurouni Kenshin episodes, in the order of their release from   
Hecto/Shin Sen Gumi, and wonders if they are EVER going to get it   
right.  
  
  
DDFA: Shitheels and Cocksmokers my foot. Can't get the timing  
right, and the translation's up shit estuary without so   
much as a raft.  
  
  
He ponders.  
  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
  
He ponders some more.  
  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
  
He plays a round of golf, reads War and Peace, starts a new   
conglomerate, becomes Prime Minister of Australia and retires on a   
huge pension.  
  
  
DDFA: Nah, that's just silly.  
  
  
Suddenly, the spark of life enters the tender folds of his brain as  
the coffee starts to take effect. Strange thoughts enter his mind,  
and he starts to giggle in a strange and inane fashion, his fingers  
hitting the keyboard with the manic glee of a piano maestro....  
  
  
Meanwhile, on a beach in scary North Queensland, Mercury and Jupiter  
have run into a slight problem in their efforts to find   
civilisation, commonly called a river.  
  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: Well, if this doesn't take the cake....  
  
Mercury: Hmm.... it's very wide.  
  
Jupiter: What are we going to do now?  
  
Mercury: Swim across?  
  
Jupiter: Swim? I can't swim across there.  
  
Mercury: Why not?  
  
Jupiter: I'll get wet.  
  
Mercury: Well, of course you'll get wet. It's full of water.   
That's why it is a river.  
  
Jupiter: I don't like rivers.  
  
Mercury: Why not?  
  
Jupiter: Because they go a long way.  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: Would you like to explain that little piece of useless  
information?  
  
Jupiter: I mean, it goes a long way that way.  
  
  
Jupiter points upstream.  
  
  
Mercury: So?  
  
Jupiter: That means all that water is pushing down that way.  
  
  
Jupiter points to the ocean.  
  
  
Mercury: Yes, so?  
  
Jupiter: Just think. You've got all of that water trying to push  
you into the sea as you're swimming across it.... And   
the sea is deep, dark and scary, and full of sharks and  
giant squids and all kinds of nasty things that want to  
eat you for dinner.  
  
Mercury: Don't worry. You'll only give them indigestion.  
  
Jupiter: I will?  
  
Mercury: Yes, you will.  
  
Jupiter: That's alright, then.  
  
  
Mercury facefaults.  
  
  
Mercury: Oh, for heaven's sake....  
  
Jupiter: Hold on a moment, can I test something?  
  
Mercury: What?  
  
  
Jupiter puts her hands on Mercury's shoulder and leans close.   
Mercury looks at her, strangely, wondering what perverted thing she  
has on her mind. Jupiter then lifts back her head and headbuts   
Mercury. They both fall to the ground, holding their heads.  
  
  
Mercury: Owwwww.... Ow ow ow ow ow.  
  
Jupiter: Ack, ah, ouchie ouch atatatatata....  
  
Mercury: What the hell did you do that for?  
  
Jupiter: I wanted to see if this was all a dream.  
  
Mercury: Oh for.... Look, you've already done the dream bit.   
This is cold, hard reality.  
  
Jupiter: No, this is Queensland. They're an anathema.  
  
Mercury: Look, we have to get across this river. Unless we do,  
we'll have to backtrack and find another way out of this  
hell.  
  
Jupiter: But that would mean.... Heading towards Townsville.  
  
  
Cue dramatic strains of evil-sounding music.  
  
  
Mercury: Did you hear that?  
  
Jupiter: Yes. There is an orchestra on a raft, floating down the  
river.  
  
Mercury: Forget that.... You know what will happen if we walk   
into Townsville....  
  
Jupiter: They'll put on reruns of The Heights?  
  
Mercury: Even worse. We might have fawning fans mob us, calling   
us Amy and Lita, and they will tear off our fukus as   
souvenirs and demand the S season be dubbed, complete   
with a watered-down relationship between Haruka and   
Michiru because it might give the kiddies bad ideas.  
  
Jupiter: Kowai!  
  
Mercury: Then the hentais shall molest us and commit unspeakable  
acts upon our young, pert bodies, and shall sell us into  
slavery.  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: You sound as if you WANT it to happen.  
  
Mercury: Everybody's got to have a dream.  
  
  
Jupiter sighs and picks up Mercury, throwing her into the river.  
  
  
Mercury: Oi! *Glub* What did you do that for? *Glub*  
  
Jupiter: I thought it might help you cool down a little.  
  
Mercury: But.... I can't swim.  
  
Jupiter: What do you mean, you can't swim? You can swim as well   
as Michiru. You can't fool me, you know.... I've seen  
the episode where the pair of you face off....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: They used a double for that scene.  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: You're kidding me?  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: Yes.  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: Why you little BITCH!  
  
Mercury: Come on in, Jupiter. The water's fine. *teehee*  
  
Jupiter: I'm in the right mind to just leave you there, you  
know that?  
  
Mercury: Oh come on.... It was just a little joke.  
  
Jupiter: Joke? Joke? What do YOU know about joking?  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: Well, why don't you join me?  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: Don't tell me YOU can't swim?  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: No, actually. I'd rather take the bridge, just over  
there. Seeya on the other side.  
  
  
END OF PART 18  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Does Minako even exist? Does DDFA exist,   
or is he a figment of the writer's imagination. Will Jupiter get   
across the river before Mercury? Will Lina ever find the Inverse   
Layer? For no answers to these questions, stay tuned for the next   
exciting chapter of the interminable saga of Ami and Makoto in   
"Waiting for Minako". The non-viable alternative to caffeine. ^_^  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Version 1.0 - Damn those Aussies! Damn them to Hell! 


	19. Waiting For Minako part 19: The Strange

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Nineteen - The Strange  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
The award for the silliest piece of correspondance for this chapter   
of WfM, goes to....  
  
EbonyMoons@aol.com  
  
"you, sir, have no life...  
Thank you,  
The Mangement"  
  
Is that "Mangement" as in mange?  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
Scene: A restaurant in Hades. Usagi is sitting at her table,   
looking green around the gills after consuming a bowl of black   
jellybeans in soy sauce. Sitting opposite her is Mokona, a small,  
white thing that vaguely resembles a rabbit. They are staring at  
each other.  
  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: Pu!  
  
Usagi: Easy for you to say.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in the gardens surrounding a large private hospital,   
patients are wandering with dazed expressions, dressed in plain,   
white hospital garb, and are either alone or accompanied by what   
appear to be guardians or relatives. Near one of the hospital's   
large open windows, Ami is sitting with the same dazed expression in   
a soft and comfortable chair, covered with a large blanket. She   
looks up into the sky as the sun appears from behind the clouds.  
  
  
Ami: Sora....  
  
  
Ami lifts a hand from underneath the blanket and reaches up for the  
sky, but is momentarily disturbed by a young sorceress who happened   
to be wandering by.  
  
  
Lina: Excuse me.... You don't happen to know where I can find  
this elusive "Inverse Layer", do you? I'd like to sock  
the little hentai from arsehole to breakfast time.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Lina: If you wouldn't mind.... I mean, I've been asking   
around, but nobody here seems willing to say anything,   
other than give me funny little hand gestures and tell   
me that they'll be seeing me.... Is there some sort of   
conspiracy going on, or what?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Lina: I mean, honestly.... Just because I sound like   
Hayashibara Megumi is no reason to roll your eyes and   
walk away. It's not THAT nasal a tone, is it?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Lina: I mean, what is it with this place? Everyone around   
here have glassy, red eyes that remind me of that jerk,  
Shabra.... something or other. Can't remember, now.   
When you've busted the balls of as many villains I have,  
they all start to look the same....  
  
Ami: Sora....  
  
Lina: Hmm? What's that you say?  
  
Ami: Aoi sora.  
  
  
Lina looks up at the sky, following Ami's example.  
  
  
Lina: No shit, Sherlock.... I never noticed that before.  
  
  
Lina shrugs, looking back down at Ami.  
  
  
Lina: You wouldn't happen to know someplace where I can grab a  
bite to eat? I'm starving.  
  
Ami: Kitchen....  
  
Lina: Ah good. Where?  
  
Ami: Third door....  
  
  
Lina waits for a long time as Ami's face twists, fighting to recount  
the information she is seeking.  
  
  
Lina: Yes.... third door.... You can say it....  
  
Ami: On....  
  
Lina: On? On what? On the roof? On TV?  
  
Ami: On the....  
  
Lina: Cathcart Towers Hotel? Come on, you can say it....  
  
Ami: On the....  
  
Lina: Knew I should have brought a packed lunch, today. Damn  
that Naga.... Spent so much time trying to get away  
from her....  
  
Ami: On the....  
  
  
At that point, three men, one wearing a dark suit, with light hair,   
one wearing a brown tweed suit, with sideburns and glasses, and a   
short, plump one with long dark hair, a beard, dressed in a white  
shirt with vest and jeans, dance past, making strange physical   
gestures and singing.  
  
  
Men: Ooh ooh ooh, The Funky Gibbon....  
  
Ami: On the....  
  
  
Lina watches the three men as the disappear around the corner of the  
hospital building, then turns back to Ami.  
  
  
Lina: Must be Tuesday.  
  
Ami: On the....  
  
Lina: Yes, you've said that, before.  
  
Ami: ....on the left.... Then.... straight ahead.... You  
can't.... miss it....  
  
Lina: Thanks. Oh, and I wouldn't bother looking up any more.   
The sky doesn't change colour.  
  
  
Lina flicks Ami's nose and wanders off. Ami doesn't seem to notice  
and continues looking at the sky.  
  
  
Ami: Sora....  
  
  
The world starts to wobble and shake, and Ami dissipates into a   
gratuitous flashback sequence. Mercury is in the river, being   
washed out to sea. She is waving frantically at Jupiter, who is  
crossing the river via a nondescript bridge. Jupiter stops when  
she realises what is happening.  
  
  
Mercury: Jupiter! Tasukete!  
  
Jupiter: Mercury.... Don't tell me you really CAN'T swim.  
  
Mercury: Not against the frigging current, I can't.  
  
Jupiter: Don't worry.... I'll be there in a second.  
  
  
With a dramatic double overhead triple pike, Jupiter dives into the  
raging waters of the river. Mercury waits for about thirty seconds,  
but Jupiter has not risen.  
  
  
Mercury: Oh great.... The dumb bitch has drowned herself.  
  
Jupiter: Mercury!  
  
  
Mercury turns to her left. She can see Jupiter, splashing   
ineffectually on the other side of the river.  
  
  
Mercury: What the hell did you do that for? Now we'll both   
drown!  
  
Jupiter: Well what would you rather I do? Use my powers?  
  
Mercury: It might have been more intelligent.  
  
Jupiter: And what was I likely to do, using my powers, other  
than electrocute you?  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: Precisely.  
  
Mercury: You could have discovered an amazing new power that we  
astoundingly seem to do at moments of crisis.  
  
Jupiter: You're kidding me, right?  
  
Mercury: Well we have to do something.... We're getting washed  
in different directions....  
  
Jupiter: Try and swim towards me.... I'll do the same.  
  
Mercury: Okay.  
  
  
The pair start to paddle through the wash, towards each other.   
Suddenly, the water between them explodes, and a giant robot rises   
from the waters between them.  
  
  
Voice: GEKIGANGER 3!  
  
Jupiter: What the fu....  
  
Voice: GEKIGAN PUNCH!  
  
  
The robot's fist rockets from the arm, thumping Jupiter into the   
middle distance, then returns. The robot turns towards Mercury.  
  
  
Voice: GEKIGAN FLARE!  
  
  
A beam of energy strikes Mercury, blowing her out to sea with a cry.  
The robot poses to the strains of maniacal laughter. We return to  
Ami, sitting in the chair.  
  
  
Ami: Sora.  
  
Nurse: Ms Mizuno....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Nurse: You have a visitor, Ms Mizuno.  
  
  
Ami turns to the nurse, who is standing next to her.  
  
  
Ami: Mi... nako?  
  
Nurse: No.... It's a Ms Kino.  
  
  
The nurse gestures behind her, where Ami can see Makoto standing,  
wearing a long dress, jacket and shades. She is staring around,   
nervously.  
  
  
Nurse: I'll leave you two together, then.  
  
  
The nurse walks away, and Makoto sidles up to Ami.  
  
  
Makoto: I have the place cased out.... I don't know what is  
going on around here, but I'm pretty sure this isn't a  
hospital.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: What are you staring at?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Oh, fer chrissakes, you aren't sick, now snap out of it.  
  
Ami: Sora....  
  
Makoto: And don't give me the cheesy Evangelion lines. I'm not   
in the mood.  
  
Ami: Who....  
  
Makoto: What is that?  
  
Ami: Who are.... you?  
  
Makoto: You don't remember, Number Six?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: I meant Ami. Sorry.  
  
Ami: Who.... is Ami?  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Damn! Another fake. Will I ever find the REAL Ami.  
  
  
Makoto wanders off. Ami watches her and notices that all the other  
patients look exactly like her.  
  
  
Ami: Must.... be Tuesday.  
  
  
END OF PART 19  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Does Minako even exist? Is Ami the real  
Ami, or is she a figment of Ami's imagination? Is it really   
Tuesday? Is Makoto dreaming? Is Makoto for real? Is Mokona really  
sitting on the other side of the table from Usagi? For no answers   
to these questions, read the next chapter of "Waiting for Minako".   
Who will put da fishy on da little dishy who will put da fishy when  
da boat comes in..... ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
  
Aversion 1.0 - Tuesday, 15th December 1998 (Yep, it's Tuesday,   
alright)  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
I received this from Christian A Rogers on the 25th of November. I  
thought it was cute, so I include it for the perusal of all. ^_^  
  
  
Back in Queensland, on the beach.  
  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
  
Suddenly, the sea monster Dagahra jumps out of the ocean and   
swallows both of them in one gulp.  
  
  
Jupiter: Oh well... guess we won't have to keep waiting for....   
who were we waiting for again?  
  
Mercury: I forget.  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: This stomach acid is hot.  
  
Mercury: Well, since it's meant to digest us, it should be.  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Jupiter: .....  
  
Mercury: .....  
  
Dagahra: *BUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!*  
  
  
THE END  
  
___________  
  
Seriously though, this is one of the funniest (and pointless) things   
I've read in a LONG time. Keep up the great work.  
  
The Flashman  
(Usaginite. Not a Moonie.)  
Loyal G-Fan  
Deciple of Keener-sensei  
"Do it Lodi!"  
www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/  
May The Spirit Preserve You! 


	20. Waiting For Minako part 20: The Photocop...

AND NOW, A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE FROM DAN "ECTODUDE" SHANNON....  
(http://www22.brinkster.com/ectodude2001/enter_page.htm)  
  
"I'm sorry, did I miss the point of this story?"  
  
Which goes to prove that some people just don't geddit. :D  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The following chapter is brought to you by Hack Writing. Yes, Hack  
Writing: Style of Choice for 99% of Fanfic Writers. Join the Hack  
Writing craze today!  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Twenty - The Photocopier  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: A restaurant in Hades. Usagi and Mokona are sitting hunched,  
playing chess. Usagi has nothing more than her King sitting   
helpless in the corner of the board, whilst Mokona's pieces surround  
it, ready to strike.  
  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: Pu!  
  
Usagi: Shh! You'll break my concentration.  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Mokona: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
  
Usagi moves the King to another square.  
  
  
Usagi: Check and mate, I think.  
  
  
Mokona looks at Usagi, dubiously.  
  
  
Usagi: What? Have you got a complaint to make?  
  
  
Mokona takes out a 38 special and blows Usagi's King away.  
  
  
Mokona: Pu!  
  
Usagi: Why you little.... Of course, you know, this means WAR!  
  
Mokona: PU!  
  
  
Usagi and Mokona glare at each other, making little growling noises,  
for several moments. Then Mokona kisses Usagi and runs like heck.   
Usagi stares at the retreating lump of white dough as her face goes  
bright red. The arrow that had been embedded in her head snaps in  
half and pops out, both sides, like a cork, followed by a gush of   
blood. From out of nowhere, Usagi lifts a large wooden mallet.  
  
  
Usagi: Your ass is mine, you little bastige. It'll be bunny   
pancakes on the menu, tonight.  
  
  
Usagi immediately goes in pursuit of her quarry.  
  
Meanwhile, elsewhere in this dimension, Makoto, wearing dark glasses  
and a trenchcoat, peers into a dark room.  
  
  
Makoto: *sniff* Been a while since they cleaned this place.  
  
  
Makoto steps into the room, switching on the light, revealing a   
collection of Amis', sitting in chairs around the walls. Makoto   
jumps in surprise, then relaxes when she realises they are all   
staring into space with the same dazed expression as every other Ami  
in the bizarre private hospital.  
  
  
Makoto: What is this? A mass-production plant, or something?  
  
  
Makoto creeps through the room, watching the Amis warily, towards a  
door on the other side, where she can hear mechanical whirring   
noises. She places a hand on the doorknob.  
  
  
Ami 1: I wouldn't go in there if I were you.  
  
  
Makoto jumps and spins, staring at the Ami who had spoken.  
  
  
Makoto: What.... What did you...  
  
Ami 1: I said, I wouldn't go in there if I were you.  
  
Ami 2: It could be very bad.  
  
  
Makoto swallows as all the Amis' turn to her, staring like zombies.  
  
  
Ami 2: Very, very bad.  
  
Ami 3: Our original went in there.  
  
Ami 1: She never came out.  
  
Ami 2: Then we appeared.  
  
Ami 4: Appeared in this world.  
  
Ami 3: From out of nowhere.  
  
Ami 1: Maybe from out of that room.  
  
Ami 2: It wouldn't be nice if the same were to happen to you.  
  
Ami 3: The same WOULD happen to you.  
  
Ami 5: Because SHE wills it to.  
  
Makoto: What are you talking about?  
  
Ami 1: She who wills everything to be.  
  
Ami 5: She's very dangerous.  
  
Ami 4: She could change your reality, and take your life.  
  
Ami 6: And even that wouldn't be the end of you.  
  
Ami 2: Look at us. Look at us all.  
  
Ami 7: We continue to suffer eternal torment.  
  
Ami 3: Can there be any greater hell than to feel life's pain   
more than once, at the same time?  
  
Ami 4: We are being driven mad by the pains.  
  
Ami 1: Our minds, slowly going to pieces.  
  
Ami 7: Beware her, for she wants you.  
  
Makoto: Who are you talking about? Who is "she"?  
  
Ami 8: Who were you waiting for?  
  
Ami 1: Waiting for when your odyssey began?  
  
Ami 7: She who you never saw.  
  
Ami 5: She who you might never see.  
  
Ami 3: She who may not even exist.  
  
Ami 2: in which case, do we exist?  
  
Makoto: Minako? Are you trying to tell me that Minako is behind   
all of this?  
  
Ami 9: Does she have a name? She who does not exist....  
  
Ami 2: Behold, even now, she watches you.  
  
  
The 2nd Ami points to the ceiling, and Makoto looks up. There, she   
sees a pair of eyes. For a moment, they seem familiar, like   
Minako's eyes, but they vanish in an instant.  
  
  
Ami 1: Tis shame.  
  
Ami 3: Is there to be no final confrontation?  
  
Ami 9: Are we all to be left in suspense, waiting.  
  
Ami 8: Waiting for Minako.  
  
Ami 6: Forever and ever.  
  
Ami 2: Without a final payoff?  
  
Ami 1: The bills get bigger every year. The costs of living   
never seem to go down.  
  
  
Makoto facefaults.  
  
  
Makoto: Ano ne....  
  
  
Before she can continue, the Amis eyes' go glassy again, and the   
door starts to rattle. Makoto turns to the door, and sees that it  
is quivering. Then there is a clicking noise, and the quivering  
stops. Makoto steps back just in time for the door to fly open.  
Inside, she can see Ami, sitting dazedly on top of a photocopier,  
which is scanning her at high speed. With each scan, from out of  
a chute on the side, new Amis are popping out, landing on a mattress  
in front of a conveyor belt. As they stand, they step up onto the  
conveyor belt and are carried through a hatchway at the far end of  
the room.  
  
Makoto steps into the room.  
  
  
Makoto: Ami? Are you alright?  
  
  
Ami turns and looks at her, dazedly.  
  
  
Makoto: You are the REAL Ami, aren't you?  
  
Ami: You.... were expecting.... someone else?  
  
Makoto: Oh, thank Kami.... What the hell is going on here?  
  
Ami: I'm.... not sure. I seem to remember.... being blown   
out of a river by an energy beam, then I was here, with  
all of these copies being made of me.  
  
Makoto: Why didn't you get off the machine and investigate your  
surroundings?  
  
Ami: I tried.... But....  
  
  
Ami turns aside, pointing to a small pile of mutated things, sitting  
in the corner of the room.  
  
  
Makoto: What the hell are they?  
  
Ami: I'm not sure, but when I got off this machine, they   
started popping out, instead of copies of me. They're  
all dead.... I think.... They had no mouth to breath   
with. They suffocated to death.  
  
Makoto: Good grief.  
  
  
Makoto steps up to the side of the machine, looking over it.  
  
  
Ami: You won't find a switch to turn it off. I looked, but  
couldn't find one.  
  
Makoto: Damn. Well, it looks like we'll have to resort to the   
old method of shutting off machinery.  
  
Ami: Like?  
  
  
Makoto grips an electrical cord and gives it a tug. Instantly, the  
machine grinds to a halt. She holds up an electric plug,   
triumphantly.  
  
  
Makoto: When in doubt, pull the cord out.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Exactly the kind of response I've come to expect from a  
rampant technophobe like you.  
  
Makoto: Well, it worked, didn't it?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: That's not the point....  
  
  
Just then, a giant hedgehog rises from behind the photocopier,   
causing the pair to wet themselves.  
  
  
S.N.: D I N S D A L E !  
  
  
END OF PART 20  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Minako ever arrive? Does Minako even exist? Is Ami the real  
Ami, or is she a figment of Ami's imagination? Was the photocopier  
really making copies of her? Did Makoto really pull out the cord?  
Does Mokona pack a 38 special? Will we ever discover which Time   
Lady of Gallifrey Setsuna REALLY is? Does she have something to do  
with the junking of so many of Doctor Who's black and white   
episodes? For no answers to these questions, and more, please read  
the next exciting, enthralling and overpromoted chapter of "Waiting  
for Minako". In glorious black and white script. Black and white  
always lends it that certain "image", don't you think? ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\Hack Writer Extraordinaire  
\/ \/"Because talent just ain't good enough!"  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
  
GWAK 1.1 - Saturday, 18th May 2002  
  
You can't blame it on Tuesday, now! 


	21. Waiting For Minako part 21: The Plot

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Twentyone - The Plot  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
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Scene: The Hikawa shrine. The Sailorsenshi gather with grim   
expressions, drying tears on their faces.  
  
  
Moon: It looks like this will be our last fight.  
  
Jupiter: Yes. But just remember what Luna and Artemis told  
us - There Can Be Only One.  
  
  
They stare at each other for several minutes. A wind blows some  
leaves between them. Then suddenly, they burst out laughing.  
  
  
Mars: Ah, I couldn't be bothered.  
  
Mercury: You are right. This is all bullshit.  
  
Jupiter: Anyone for a pint at the local? I'm thirsty.  
  
Moon: I'm in for that.  
  
Venus: What about the cats? What shall we do with them?  
  
Jupiter: Screw them. Dumb cats. Leave us to do all the hard  
work, then dump THIS on us.  
  
Venus: Hmmm.... So it's alright if I leave Artemis at the   
bottom of the river?  
  
Moon: What? You dumped your cat down there, too?  
  
Venus: Well, I couldn't think of anything else....  
  
Mercury: By the way, Venus, shouldn't you be missing?  
  
Venus: Damn.... Forgot about that.  
  
  
Venus sneaks away, watched by the others.  
  
  
Mercury: And you, Sailormoon, you should be dead, in Hades,   
chasing Mokona with a mallet.  
  
Moon: Aww.... I really wanna drink.  
  
Mars: Let her.... This fic is hard work for us.  
  
Jupiter: YOU can talk. You've barely appeared in it.  
  
Mars: Hey, I've got a scene coming up.  
  
Jupiter: A scene. A scene. Listen, girl, I've been in this thing  
from the start. Don't you talk to me about "scenes".  
  
Mercury: Alright, alright.... That's enough.... Does anyone know  
where the local establishment is?  
  
  
Scene: Ami and Makoto, in a darkish room, in the middle of a strange  
private hospital. Ami is dressed in a skimpy swimsuit, covered over  
by a jacket, and Makoto is wearing a large trenchcoat, hiding what   
she is wearing underneath, and a pair of shades. She is also   
holding onto the power cord of the photocopier that Ami is sitting  
on.  
  
Just then, a giant hedgehog rises from behind the photocopier,   
causing the pair to wet themselves.  
  
  
S.N.: D I N S D A L E !  
  
  
Ami: Straight ahead, then the door on your left.  
  
Makoto: He's been looking for you.... So please go see him.  
Hayaku!  
  
  
They wave the hedgehog away, who disappears quickly. Watching him  
leave, they breathe a sigh of relief.  
  
  
Ami: Evil thing. Frightened me before.  
  
Makoto: Hmm? When?  
  
Ami: Mmm?  
  
Makoto: When?  
  
Ami: Before.  
  
Makoto: WHEN before?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Don't tell me you can't remember....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: I can't remember.  
  
Makoto: I said not to tell me.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Tokyo, Rei and Chibiusa have grabbed hold of Mamoru's  
arms, and are using him in a tug of war.  
  
  
Rei: Mine!  
  
Chibiusa: Mine!  
  
Rei: Mine!  
  
Chibiusa: Mine!  
  
Rei: Mine!  
  
Chibiusa: Mine!  
  
Rei: Mine!  
  
Chibiusa: Mine!  
  
Rei: Mine!  
  
Chibiusa: Mine!  
  
Rei: Mine!  
  
Chibiusa: Mine!  
  
  
Just then, Mamoru tears in half. Rei and Chibiusa stare at the   
woolen stuffing that comes flying out of their respective halves  
with surprise.  
  
  
Rei: He's not real.  
  
Chibiusa: It's a rag doll....  
  
Rei: Where has the real Mamoru gone. With Usagi dead, I've   
never had a better opportunity....  
  
Chibiusa: What do you mean, YOU've never had a better opportunity?  
  
Rei: .....  
  
Chibiusa: .....  
  
Rei: He's your old man.  
  
Chibiusa: So?  
  
Rei: And you're too young for that sort of thing.  
  
Chibiusa; So?  
  
Rei: .....  
  
Chibiusa: .....  
  
Rei: You're one twisted little girl, you know that?  
  
Chibiusa: Why not? I'm the most hated person since Wesley   
Crusher.  
  
Rei: True.  
  
Chibiusa: And Neelix.  
  
Rei: Neelix?  
  
Chibiusa: Neelix.  
  
Rei: ....  
  
Chibiusa: ....  
  
Rei: Who is Neelix?  
  
Chibiusa: Didn't you ever watch "Voyager"?  
  
Rei: No. Did anyone?  
  
Chibiusa: ....  
  
Rei: ....  
  
Chibiusa: I didn't say that.  
  
  
Behind a brick wall, overlooking this scene, Mamoru is in hiding,  
Haruka and Michiru with him.  
  
  
Mamoru: I knew something like this would happen. Why did Usako  
have to die?  
  
Michiru: Don't worry, Chiba-san. I'll look after you....  
  
  
Mamoru swallows as Michiru takes his hand and starts nuzzling   
against it. She is immediately bapped over the head by Haruka.  
  
  
Michiru: What was THAT for?  
  
Haruka: You KNOW what that was for.  
  
Michiru: Haruka, you have forced me to punish you.  
  
Haruka: Uh oh....  
  
  
Meanwhile, back at the hospital....  
  
  
Ami: My memory appears to have flown the coop.  
  
Makoto: Oh, come on.... You must remember how you got here.  
  
Ami: I was blown here by a Gekigan Beam.  
  
Makoto: No, not that.  
  
Ami: Well, it WAS how I got HERE.  
  
Makoto: I'm talking about all of this. How did this start?  
  
Ami: We were on a beach in Queensland.  
  
Makoto: No.... We weren't on a beach in Queensland.  
  
Ami: Yes we were.  
  
Makoto: I KNOW we were.... But we shouldn't have been.  
  
Ami: But we were, and you can't refute the fact.  
  
Makoto: I'm not refuting the fact.  
  
Ami: You said we shouldn't have been on a beach in   
Queensland.  
  
Makoto: That's because we shouldn't have been.  
  
Ami: But we were.  
  
Makoto: Think back further than that.  
  
Ami: How far back?  
  
Makoto: Not that far back.  
  
Ami: Back to when Usagi and Mamoru broke up for the   
seventeenth time this month?  
  
Makoto: No, not that far back.  
  
Ami: How far back, then?  
  
Makoto: Back to what we were doing before we ended up on the  
beach in Queensland.  
  
Ami: We were on holiday.  
  
Makoto: On holiday WHERE?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Hawaii?  
  
Makoto: Bingo.  
  
Ami: What were we doing there?  
  
Makoto: We were on holiday.  
  
Ami: Yes, but what were we on holiday from?  
  
Makoto: We were waiting.  
  
Ami: For what?  
  
Makoto: We were waiting for someone.  
  
Ami: For who?  
  
Makoto: For WHOM.... For WHOM.... You're supposed to be the   
genius in languages.  
  
Ami: Makes me wonder why you knew the true pronunciation,   
then.  
  
Makoto: I've been hanging around you for too long.  
  
Ami: Yes, indeed. Something had to rub off. I became more  
stupid, thanks to you.  
  
Makoto: Are you calling me stupid?  
  
Ami: Yes.  
  
Makoto: Well, that's alright, then. But it still doesn't answer  
the question....  
  
Ami: Whom we were waiting for?  
  
Makoto: Of course.  
  
Ami: We both know who it was.  
  
Makoto: I KNOW we know who it is.  
  
Ami: Minako, of course.  
  
  
There is a soft, echoing, high-pitched giggle, and the pair stare   
around, looking for the source.  
  
  
Makoto: I think.... she might be the cause of all this.  
  
Ami: Are you trying to tell me that Minako is the cause of   
all this.  
  
  
Another giggle.  
  
  
Makoto: It has occured to me, yes.  
  
Ami: But HOW? I mean, she can't even work her way through a  
half-decent quotation, let alone organise this kind of  
charade.  
  
Makoto: Perhaps that's what she WANTED us to think.  
  
Ami: Are you trying to tell me that Minako is a villain?  
  
Makoto: She always was.  
  
Ami: In what way?  
  
Makoto: Her ditziness was a crime against humanity. Nobody   
should be allowed to be as stupid as she was, and live.  
  
Ami: Look, just because she doesn't have a high enough   
intelligence quotient to be considered a sentient form   
of life does not mean she shouldn't have a right to   
live. I mean, there are plenty of lifeforms more stupid  
than she is.  
  
Makoto: Like what?  
  
Ami: Moss comes to mind. Lichen.... Fungi....  
  
Makoto: Mushrooms AND puffballs?  
  
Ami: Of course.  
  
Makoto: What about slime mold?  
  
Ami: Oh, especially slime mold. In fact, I think she's   
descended from a lower-class form of slime mold.  
  
Makoto: Oh no.... Poor slime.  
  
Ami: Makes me wanna throw up, just thinking about it.  
  
Makoto: How could we have ever befriended such a monster?  
  
Ami: Well, she walked up one day and said "hi, I'm   
Sailorvenus. Mind if I join you"....  
  
Makoto: And we agreed....  
  
Ami: Yes.  
  
Makoto: Damn! I wonder if they're casting for Brain Powerd,   
yet. I want outta this place....  
  
Ami: Can't.  
  
Makoto: Why not?  
  
Ami: You don't have a three inch waistline.  
  
Makoto: Bugger.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Hades, Usagi is in hot pursuit of the Almighty Bunny-  
Thing of Doom.  
  
  
Usagi: MATTE!  
  
Mokona: Pu! ^_^  
  
  
As Mokona approaches a street corner, Ryuzaki Umi appears, also   
holding a large mallet.  
  
  
Umi: So, Mokona.... You thought you could get away from me  
by hiding in Hades, did you?  
  
Mokona: Pu! O_O  
  
  
Mokona comes to a screeching halt as Usagi and Umi come charging in  
from both directions....  
  
  
END OF PART 21  
  
  
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Will Mokona be served up as pancakes? Will Mamoru escape the tender  
ministrations of Rei and Chibiusa? How will Michiru punish Haruka?  
Is Minako behind any of this? Shall Ami and Makoto discover the   
truth behind their odyssey? For the answers to these questions   
(just possibly) read the next dropping.... I mean installment of  
"Waiting for Minako". This is NOT a drill, I repeat, this is NOT a  
drill.... This is pseudoreality.... in the off season.  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\It's not the World Wide Web that scares me,  
\/ \/it's the Spider that built it.  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
SNERG 1.1 - Saturday, 18th May 2002 


	22. Waiting For Minako part 22: The Holidays

Though this chapter has a rather celebratory (and inebriated)  
attitude, the mention of Atilla the Hen does leave me feeling a  
little sad.... I've left her parts in this chapter untouched.  
Which would probably leave her as embarassed as hell, but all the  
same....  
  
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Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Twentytwo - The Holidays  
  
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Scene: The set of "Waiting for Minako". Everything is silent, as   
everyone has gone home for the holidays. A cleaner is sweeping dust  
from the floor, whistling to himself. He finds a mallet, hiding   
behind one of the stacked tables of the restaurant.  
  
  
Cleaner: I wonder if Mokona got what was coming to him.  
  
  
He studies the mallet, picking little bits from the head.  
  
  
Cleaner: Nup. No marshmallow here. Can't have happened, yet.  
  
  
Suddenly, a large, semi-naked figure comes bounding onto the set,  
staring around himself with manic distrust at his surroundings. He  
spots the surprised cleaner and levels a finger.  
  
  
Rabies: So, there you are, you kin of those who raped and   
murdered my grandmother.  
  
Cleaner: Pardon?  
  
Rabies: Be silent, you freak from the other side of the globe.  
Bow down to my great intelligence and wit.  
  
  
He crosses his arms and gives the cleaner the manic stare of doom.  
The cleaner sighs and waves him away.  
  
  
Cleaner: If you're looking for DDFA, you're too late. He's on   
holidays.  
  
Rabies: So, you deny that you are that spawn of convicts, do   
you? It would be fitting for one of such lowly   
intellect to end up cleaning the sets of his own series.  
  
Cleaner: You're mental, aren't you?  
  
Rabies: Be silent, pond scum! If I wish to converse with you, I  
shall let you know. Otherwise, the only sound I wish to  
hear emerge from your throat is the choking scream as I  
throttle you.  
  
  
Rabies brushes the cleaner aside and stomps off into the dark depths  
of the Id. The cleaner sighs and shakes his head.  
  
  
Cleaner: Fanfic writers. I shall never understand them.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in a small hovel in Adelaide, Australia, DDFA is sitting   
at his computer. It is 1.12am on December 31st, and he is starting   
the new year early by consuming an entire bottle of sake in one   
gulp. His writing strats to bcemoe slihglty dogdy.  
  
  
DDFA: *Heehee* Banzai! Banzai! Banzai! *Uuuuurp*  
  
  
He slumps down in his seat, giggling inanely, staring at his nice   
new red shirt, a Xmas gift from his mother, commonly referred to  
as Attilla the Hen, or Warthog to others.... as her growing   
collection of plushie pigs shall attest to.... He giggles again and  
downs yet another bottle of sake.  
  
  
DDFA: BWAHAHAHAHAHA.... *hic* Izz goood. Wanna more. Wanna   
more. Where be da dwink. Hee hee. Nine down,   
ninetyone to go. *hic* Glad I bought da special Sailor  
V Partytime Sake. Ain't dat right, Minako-chan.  
  
  
On the other side of the room, sitting in a large armchair, Minako   
is giggling even more inanely than DDFA.  
  
  
Minako: Yeah, ish kinda shtrange what productsh they'd market in  
my name. Teeheehee....  
  
DDFA: Like that really shucky healthsh drink.  
  
Minako: *Snort* Thatsh tashted like shitsh. I keptsh pushing   
it on the othersh.... They're sho shtupid. They'd   
drinksh anything. BWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
DDFA: Well you hafta hidesh your manic depresshion shomehow.  
  
Minako: I am notsh manic depresshive.... I'm jusht a naughty   
girlsh.  
  
  
DDFA pauses.  
  
  
DDFA: Hey, you wanna turn dish fic into a shelf-inshert lemon?  
  
Minako: You know wheresh to inshert yourshelf! Now gimme   
another bottlesh of dat shake.... *Snort* Heeheehee.  
  
  
Meanwhile, at the Hikawa Shrine, Rei is plastered on the ceremonial  
sake and is watching the soccer on tv. Watched on by a worried   
Yuuichirou.  
  
  
Rei: Come on da REDS!  
  
Yuuichirou: Ano.... Rei-chan... Don't you think you've drunk   
enough?  
  
Rei: Shuddup, you! Now get over here and give me a bit of   
that big, hunky body of yours. Or better still, turn   
into Mamoru and then give me a bit of that big, hunky  
body of yours....  
  
Yuuichirou: Rei-chan!  
  
  
The door to the room opens, and Lina Inverse stares in.  
  
  
Lina: Has anyone in here seen that bloody Inverse Layer the  
bloody writer was going on about a few chapters ago?  
  
  
Rei stares at her, then giggles.  
  
  
Rei: Well, considering you have a voice like Usagi's, I'll  
lay you if you like. That should keep some people   
happy. *snort*  
  
Yuuichirou: I really think you've had enough to drink, Rei-chan.  
  
  
Lina stares at Rei and Yuuichirou for a couple of seconds.  
  
  
Lina: All things considered, what's in it for me?  
  
Rei: All this food.  
  
  
Rei gestures to the other side of the room, where a veritable  
feast is sitting. Sans black jellybeans, which the shrine has run  
out of. Lina pauses for several moments. She then takes her cape  
off.  
  
  
Lina: Well, I'm game if you are.  
  
  
As Yuuichirou's jaw hits the floor, Lina slides the door shut behind  
her.  
  
Meanwhile (you aren't getting a lemon scene out of me that easily   
^_^) back in DDFA's little hovel, Minako has fallen on the floor,   
pissed as a rat, and is asleep, mumbling to herself.  
  
  
Minako: No.... Asai-kun.... Please.... Not at school....   
Someone might see us. *Mumble mumble Turtle Scrubs   
grumble grumble.*  
  
  
DDFA watches her and shrugs, then turns back to his computer.  
  
  
DDFA: I wonder if anyone has actually worked the plot of this   
fic out, yet. I wonder if I've ever worked out the plot  
of any fic I've written, yet? Perhaps I should actually  
finish the scene I ended the last chapter with. Yeah,   
that'll catch everyone off guard. BWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
  
DDFA starts to type, a little slower than normal, considering his  
inebriated state, and starts giggling like an insane fool.  
  
On the set of "Waiting for Minako", the cleaner curses.  
  
  
Cleaner: Damn that bastard. Now I'm going to have to rouse all   
the wankers from their holidays.  
  
  
The cleaner wanders off, mumbling darkly to himself.  
  
Meanwhile, in Hades, Usagi is in hot pursuit of the Almighty Bunny-  
Thing of Doom.  
  
  
Usagi: MATTE!  
  
Mokona: Pu! ^_^  
  
  
As Mokona approaches a street corner, Ryuzaki Umi appears, also   
holding a large mallet.  
  
  
Umi: So, Mokona.... You thought you could get away from me  
by hiding in Hades, did you?  
  
Mokona: Pu! O_O  
  
  
Mokona comes to a screeching halt as Usagi and Umi come charging in  
from both directions. Just then, Mokona sprouts angel wings and   
takes off.  
  
  
Mokona: Pu pu pu pu pu! ^_^  
  
  
Usagi and Umi watch him rise with surprise, still charging at each  
other at full speed. Without realising what they are doing, they  
bring their mallets down on top of each others' heads, and fall to  
the ground, dazed.  
  
  
Usagi: Not tonight, Rei-chan. I've got a headache....  
  
Umi: You know, Hikaru.... If you turn into a catgirl just   
once more....  
  
  
Mokona flutters down and lands atop the two girls, his wings   
disappearing.  
  
  
Mokona: Pu! ^_^  
  
  
Suddenly, a large screen descends from the top of one of Hades'  
tallest buildings, showing highlights from the NukuNuku tv series.  
In seconds, Hades has been completely abandoned. Except for Mokona,  
who is pupuing as he watches the edits, sitting back on the two   
dazed girls.  
  
Meanwhile, in the hospital.  
  
  
Makoto: Is it our turn, yet?  
  
DDFA: Not yet. Your turn is next chapter.  
  
Ami: What, you mean we left the orgy for NOTHING?  
  
  
END OF PART 22  
  
  
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Is DDFA really plastered? Has this affected this fic, whatsoever?  
Does this mean SIU 35 shall be late? Does anyone really care? Does  
DDFA know how to use a spellchecker in this state? Or is this all  
the product of the DT's? For almost no answers to these questions,  
see in the next exciting chapter of "Waiting for Minako".... The  
Hangover. Urk! :(  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
Sake 1.1 - Saturday, 18th May 2002 


	23. Waiting For Minako part 23: The Hangover

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Twentythree - The Hangover  
  
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Scene: The set for "Waiting for Minako". The cleaner is sweeping   
away empty bottles and other ancillary party type objects. From   
behind one of the props, an arm appears.  
  
  
Cleaner: What the f....  
  
Makoto: Oooooohhhhhhhh......  
  
  
Makoto lifts herself up from behind the prop and stares blearily  
around the set.  
  
  
Makoto: Would you mind doing that a little quieter?  
  
Cleaner: Had a bit too much of the holiday cheer, did we?  
  
Makoto: I had exactly as much as I wanted to, thankyou very   
much. Now where did I put the Berocca?  
  
Cleaner: You left it back at your orgy.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Cleaner: .....  
  
Makoto: Be careful.... You'll break the illusion of all the  
sensitive, newbie readers that I'm anything other than a  
simple girl whose only interests are cooking and   
housekeeping.  
  
Cleaner: You mean they aren't your interests?  
  
Makoto: No, actually.... I'm a phone sex operator who collects  
art deco dildos and small fuzzy white things which hang  
from the ceiling.  
  
Cleaner: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Cleaner: But only in your spare time.  
  
Makoto: Of course. What do you do in your spare time, apart   
from sweeping up messes created by others?  
  
Cleaner: Oh, I torment young children with psychologically   
disturbing put-downs and jokes. It makes my day   
worthwhile to see a child crying, utterly traumatised   
for the rest of their lives due to my total lack of   
social conscience.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Cleaner: .....  
  
Makoto: You're a creepy little weirdo, aren't you?  
  
Cleaner: That's what they all say. By the way, where's your bed  
buddy?  
  
Makoto: Who?  
  
Cleaner: That blue-haired slag with the severe social disorder.  
  
Makoto: Oh, you mean Ami. I wouldn't describe her in those   
terms.  
  
Cleaner: Why not?  
  
Makoto: She has this really vengeful side. Strange things will  
start to happen to you when you least expect it.  
  
Cleaner: Oooh. Sounds like fun. Does it involve razorblades?  
  
Makoto: Yes, but only before you die.  
  
Cleaner: Aww.... You mean I don't get to play with all the pus-  
filled wounds and weeping sores afterwards?  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Cleaner: .....  
  
Makoto: Bugger the psychological torment, Ami. Just pour the   
boiling oil on him, now.  
  
  
Suddenly, from above comes gallons of boiling oil. With a short,  
strangulated cry, the oil covers the cleaner, and he melts away.   
Makoto sighs and flops back down behind the prop as the oil flows  
away. Ami jumps down from the rafters, hands on hips.  
  
  
Ami: That seemed to work really well.  
  
Makoto: Hmm. You should have thought of that when we were   
taking Galaxia on.  
  
Ami: Nah, that bitch would have absorbed it. Anyway, what is  
happening with this fic?  
  
Makoto: It's still the break in the storyline. Whatever story  
there is. Until DDFA wakes up, we're stuck here, unable  
to do anything.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: What did you go so quiet for?  
  
Ami: Just practicing.  
  
Makoto: For what?  
  
Ami: For the long period of us not being able to do anything.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Baka. It won't be THAT long.  
  
Ami: Well, you never know. The entire chapter could be a   
whole lot of nothing happening.  
  
Makoto: I very much doubt it.  
  
Ami: Why?  
  
Makoto: Very little has actually happened since DDFA started  
writing this series.  
  
Ami: True. True.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Hey, I've got an idea.  
  
  
Makoto gets up from behind the prop.  
  
  
Ami: What is it?  
  
Makoto: Let's kidnap Minako!  
  
Ami: Eh?  
  
Makoto: It'll mean DDFA really WON'T know where she is, and give  
us more control over our destinies.  
  
Ami: I don't think he'll like that very much.  
  
Makoto: Yeah, but what is he going to do about it?  
  
Ami: He could write us into a tentacle lemon.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Be a first for him. He's thus far avoided doing   
anything vaguely lemon.  
  
Ami: Yeah, but he's a sick, depraved bastard. You never know  
WHAT he might write as a first effort.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in his little hovel in Adelaide, Australia, DDFA is lying  
in bed, having dreams about rubbing wet teabags into peoples' hair.   
His eyes suddenly snap open at the point where large earplugs are   
floating around on concrete columns, and hazily realises he is not   
alone in the room. He tries to move, but can't.  
  
  
DDFA: Who.... who's there?  
  
  
There is a soft giggle, and he swallows, his senses becoming more   
alert with fear. He manages to sit up, but everything in his   
bedroom is swimming about in the darkness.  
  
  
DDFA: That's it! I'm NOT going to have someone try the   
psychological fear routine on me. Who are you, and what  
are you doing in my house?  
  
Voice: Oh honey, dearie.... I'm sooooo sorry. I didn't mean   
to frighten you.  
  
  
He can see the vague outline of a woman, sitting atop his shelf   
desk. He rubs his forehead, sighing.  
  
  
DDFA: Listen, Morrigan, how many times have I told you....  
  
Morrigan: Aww.... You know who I am.... Damn.  
  
DDFA: Of COURSE I know who you are. No other woman greets me  
in my bedroom at this time of the morning. No other   
woman is LIKELY to greet me at this time of the morning,  
let's face it.... However, that is beside the point. I  
can't constantly have you creeping in here, giving me   
new and evil ideas for my stories. Having the Youma   
Usagi dig out the guts of all her friends in "Usagi is  
Dead" was bad enough.  
  
  
Morrigan gets down from the desk and starts to pace the room. DDFA  
brushes the succubus's wings away from his face as he does so,   
trying not to stare at her butt.  
  
  
Morrigan: And I thought it was a good scene. Lots of gory   
fighting and stuff.... My kind of tale. You know, I do  
have another idea....  
  
DDFA: Ooooooh no you don't. I am NOT writing a Sailorsenshi  
versus Darkstalkers crossover....  
  
Morrigan: Why not?  
  
DDFA: Because any fight between yourself and Sailormoon would  
be short, sharp and to the point. Not to mention   
extremely messy.  
  
Morrigan: So says the person who killed her off by putting an   
arrow through her head. *Sigh* So, are you any closer  
to continuing "Waiting for Minako", or are you going to  
leave the poor human plebs waiting?  
  
DDFA: Shhhh.... Don't talk like that.  
  
Morrigan: Talk like what?  
  
DDFA: The "poor human plebs" line....  
  
Morrigan: Why? Don't you want people to know you're not human, or  
something?  
  
DDFA: I said NOT to say it, for the love of....  
  
  
END OF PART 23  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Is DDFA really a Darkstalker? Will Makoto and Ami kidnap Minako?   
Does any of this really matter to the main plot, which will   
supposedly restart in the next chapter? For questions to these  
answers, see the next chapter of "Waiting for Minako". Not a   
tentacle lemon. They're sour and they wriggle all over the place.  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
DT 1.0 - Friday, 1st January 1999 (Waits patiently for September   
13, when the moon shall go flying off into space. ^_^) 


	24. Waiting For Minako part 24: The Nothing

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Twentyfour - The Nothing  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: The hospital. Ami is still sitting on top of the (now still)  
photocopier, with Makoto standing next to her.  
  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: I take it we don't have to do much in this chapter.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Doesn't look like it.  
  
  
Meanwhile, by the wall in Tokyo....  
  
  
Haruka: This is no good.  
  
Michiru: What is?  
  
Haruka: They've been gone for too long.  
  
Michiru: Who? Those inner plebs?  
  
Haruka: Yes, those inner plebs.  
  
Michiru: Are you REALLY concerned about the fate of a pair like  
them?  
  
Haruka: Not really. It's just that we've been standing by this  
wall for a while, now.  
  
Michiru: Yes, my hair is a mess.  
  
Haruka: I haven't had a bath in days.  
  
Michiru: Neither have I. My complexion is going to suffer.  
  
Haruka: I've missed a whole batch of appointments.  
  
Michiru: This can't continue. We're going to have to find them.  
  
Haruka: Yes, put them back by this wall, where they belong.  
  
Michiru: Indeed.  
  
Haruka: We'll work out what the hell is going on, here!  
  
Michiru: Actually, we KNOW what is going on around here. We just  
don't want anyone else finding out.  
  
Haruka: Shhh.... You might give everything away.  
  
Michiru: Oops, sorry.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Hades, Usagi and Umi are still lying on the ground,   
dazed.  
  
  
Usagi: Oooohhhh.  
  
Umi: Uuuughhh.  
  
Usagi: My head.  
  
Umi: Which head? I can see several.  
  
Usagi: You're the one who hit me. You tell me.  
  
Umi: Where is that lump of marshmallow?  
  
Usagi: I think he got away.  
  
  
They both sit up, holding their heads.  
  
  
Usagi: There is a lump on my head the size of a basketball.  
  
  
Umi blinks, looking at where Usagi is rubbing her head.  
  
  
Umi: No there isn't.  
  
Usagi: What do you mean? I can feel it.... Wait a minute...  
  
  
Usagi parts her hair where the lump is, and looks up into a pair of  
squinting eyes.  
  
  
Usagi: YOU!  
  
Mokona: Pupuuuuu. ^_^  
  
Usagi: You.... You rotten little lump of....  
  
Mokona: Puuuu.... ^_^  
  
  
Umi stands and picks up her mallet.  
  
  
Umi: Don't move. I'll get him.  
  
Usagi: No! Wait!  
  
Umi: I've waited 46 episodes for this, you little lump of   
dried-up fecal matter....  
  
  
Umi lifts the mallet high into the air. Usagi backs away in fear.  
  
  
Umi: I said keep still.  
  
Usagi: I happen to be under that little lump of dried-up fecal  
matter.... I'm not looking forward to having you beat   
me over the head with that thing.  
  
Umi: So, you wish to betray me?  
  
  
Umi laughs, bitterly.  
  
  
Umi: After all I've been through to get him, I shall not let  
anything get in my way. Prepare to die for a good   
cause, Tsukino Usagi.  
  
Usagi: But.... I'm already dead.  
  
Umi: Then you won't feel the blows when they come, will you?  
  
Usagi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
  
END OF PART 24  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Will Umi beat Usagi into a bloody pulp? Do Haruka and Michiru   
REALLY know what is going on? Will they find Ami and Makoto. Will  
Ami and Makoto actually do anything, rather than just stand around  
staring into space? And what does this have to do with a plot   
between a missing blond and a small, white bunny thing.... Oops,  
almost gave everything away.... ^_^ Anyway, for no answers to   
these questions, read the next exciting (hyperbole) chapter of  
"Waiting for Minako", region locked for reasons known only to the  
bastards who make DVD players.  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@merlin.net.au  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
CAUTION S4 - Flammable when printed onto paper. Monday, January  
4th 1999 


	25. Waiting For Minako part 25: The Light

Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Twentyfive - The Light  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: The hospital. Ami is still sitting on top of the (now still)  
photocopier, with Makoto standing next to her.  
  
  
Ami: It's so dark in here.  
  
Makoto: Well, that's because the machine is now off. The light   
coming from it was lighting up the room.  
  
Ami: Well, now we can't see too much.  
  
Makoto: Perhaps we should leave this room and find out what the   
hell is going on.  
  
Ami: Yes, we should.  
  
Makoto: So, where do we start?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: I'm not sure.  
  
Makoto: Well, you got here before I did.  
  
Ami: Yes, but I was unconscious for most of the time. As you  
well know.  
  
Makoto: Oops, forgot.  
  
Ami: Shouldn't you turn on a light?  
  
Makoto: A light?  
  
Ami: Yes, a light.  
  
Makoto: You mean there is a light in here?  
  
Ami: There has to be one, somewhere.  
  
Makoto: There doesn't have to be.  
  
Ami: You're just arguing the point for the sake of it.  
  
Makoto: I am not. There doesn't have to be a light in here.  
  
Ami: Who says so?  
  
Makoto: Nobody has to say so.  
  
Ami: Well, you just go on and believe what you think. I'm   
sure the person who put us in this mess is having a good   
laugh at our expense.  
  
Makoto: Ah! Now I remember!  
  
Ami: Remember what?  
  
Makoto: What we were supposed to be doing.  
  
Ami: Which is?  
  
Makoto: Look for the person who put us in this mess.  
  
Ami: So, where do you suggest we start?  
  
Makoto: Good question.  
  
  
Ami facefaults.  
  
  
Ami: Yes, very good, Sherlock.  
  
Makoto: Well, how about we start by going up to the head office   
of this place?  
  
Ami: What? Do you mean we walk through the darkness?  
  
Makoto: Have you a better idea?  
  
Ami: We could trip over or step into anything.  
  
Makoto: Somehow I don't think so. We can see well enough as it  
is.  
  
Ami: I bet we step in something really horrible and smelly.  
  
Makoto: This is a hospital, not a public lavatory.  
  
Ami: Same difference, surely?  
  
Makoto: Now listen, you.... Are you coming with me up to the   
head office?  
  
Ami: I might.  
  
Makoto: What do you mean, you might?  
  
Ami: If you can promise me we won't step in anything nasty.  
  
Makoto: Can you SEE anything nasty on the floor?  
  
Ami: I can't see anything on the floor at all.  
  
Makoto: Bullshit. You can see the floor perfectly well.  
  
Ami: But I left my glasses behind.  
  
Makoto: You don't use glasses.  
  
Ami: Yes I do.  
  
Makoto: No you don't.  
  
Ami: Yes I do. I use these ones.  
  
  
Ami lifts a pair of glasses from behind her, showing them to Makoto.  
She then whips them back to wherever it was she was hiding them.  
  
  
Ami: Pity I left them behind. I don't know what I'll do   
without them.  
  
Makoto: Oh very well. I'll guide you about.  
  
Ami: I can't let you do that.  
  
Makoto: Why not?  
  
Ami: What if you step into something nasty.  
  
Makoto: Don't worry. I won't.  
  
Ami: But you don't have your glasses, either.  
  
Makoto: I don't wear glasses.  
  
Ami: Yes you do.  
  
Makoto: No I don't.  
  
Ami: Yes you do.  
  
  
Ami takes the glasses out again and places them on Makoto's face.  
  
  
Ami: See?  
  
Makoto: What do you know....  
  
  
Ami takes the glasses off Makoto's face and hides them, again.  
  
  
Ami: So you see, I can't have you endangering yourself for   
me.  
  
Makoto: I understand your concern, Ami, but I'll be perfectly  
alright.  
  
Ami: You thrillseeker, you.  
  
Makoto: Look, all we have to do is get out of this room and   
everything shall be bright and clear for us.  
  
Ami: You're sure about that, are you?  
  
Makoto: Yes, this is the darkest room in the hospital.  
  
Ami: It might not be. There might be even darker rooms, with  
scary things wandering through them.  
  
Makoto: You're gettingparanoid in your old age, you know that?  
  
Ami: Yes.  
  
Makoto: I refrain from commenting. So, can I help you down from  
that machine?  
  
Ami: No.  
  
Makoto: Why not.  
  
Ami: I'm scared.  
  
Makoto: Scared? Of what?  
  
Ami: It's so far down, and the floor is sooooo dark.  
  
Makoto: Listen, stupid, I happen to be standing on that floor.  
  
Ami: Stupid? YOU, of all people, call ME stupid?  
  
Makoto: Anyone too scared to get down from a photocopier because  
they are scared of heights is stupid, in my world.  
  
Ami: Yes, but I don't live in your world.  
  
Makoto: Well, what world DO you live in?  
  
Ami: The scary little one on the other side of the wall.  
  
Makoto: Look, shutup and get down from there.  
  
  
Makoto grabs Ami by the arms and tries to pull her down from the   
machine. Ami tries to resist.  
  
  
Ami: Let me go!  
  
Makoto: Shutup, you!  
  
Ami: You're scaring me.  
  
Makoto: Oh yeah? You want to see something REALLY scary?  
  
Ami: What?  
  
  
Makoto lets Ami go and turns, playing with her face with her hands.   
She turns back with an utterly mutated face, drooling green slime   
and baring her teeth.  
  
  
Makoto: GRAAAAAARGH!  
  
Ami: IYAAAAAAA!  
  
  
Ami almost faints as Makoto turns around again, once more playing   
with her face. When she turns back, her face is back to normal.  
  
  
Ami: Kami's shit! How did you DO that?  
  
Makoto: We all have secrets we like to keep. Now get down from  
there.  
  
Ami: No.  
  
Makoto: Don't force me to use violence.  
  
Ami: No, I can't.... I'll pass out from the strain.  
  
Makoto: What strain?  
  
Ami: The strain of getting close to that distant, dark floor.  
  
Makoto: You don't have some kind of bizarre psychological   
condition, do you?  
  
Ami: Yes.  
  
Makoto: What?  
  
Ami: I'm a smartarse.  
  
Makoto: Alright! That did it!  
  
  
Makoto rolls up the sleeves of her overcoat and grabs Ami by her   
arms, roughly. Despite some protests, she wrenches Ami from atop  
the machine and drops her onto the floor.  
  
  
Ami: WAAAAAAHHH! You could have killed me!  
  
Makoto: Yeah, right. Now get to your feet and we'll get going.  
  
Ami: Can't.  
  
Makoto: What do you mean, you can't?  
  
Ami: I suddenly realised. I'm scared of heights.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Hades, Usagi and Mokona are staring down at the   
unconscious form of Umi, who has been near-flattened by a boulder  
that has fallen from out of nowhere.  
  
  
Usagi: Gee, I wonder where that came from....  
  
Mokona: Pu! ^_^  
  
  
END OF PART 25  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Is Ami afraid of everything? Will Makoto ever get her to the head   
office of the hospital? What will they find there? Who dropped the  
boulder of Umi? Is Mokona really a God from Cephiro and capable of  
railroading just about anything he likes, including plotlines? Does  
DDFA really care if he does? For almost no answers to these   
questions read the next enthralling chapter of "Waiting for Minako",  
in Dolby Dolby Stereo Stereo. All All we we have have to to do do   
is is make make sure sure everything everything is is lined lined up  
up in in time time for for the the chapter chapter to to start   
start. ^_^;; ^_^;;  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
Here is another cute little spamfic, posted to the FFML by A-kun   
McCrillis that I thought I'd include with this   
chapter for all to peruse. ^_^  
  
  
  
Waiting on Minako  
By TharzZzDunN  
Mispelling by A-kun  
Misproduction by ?????  
Mishandling by the U.S. Post Office  
Misinterpretation by Disney, Inc.  
Stupid Monkeys by Disney, Inc.  
  
====================================================================  
  
Minako entered the resturaunt. She knew she should really be   
heading to the park, but a quick meal wouldn't hurt. After all, she   
didn't take very long to eat. Out of curiousity, she glanced at her   
watch to see what day it was. Hmmm, Wednesday. Not her favorite   
day of the week, but it was better than Monday.  
  
"So, like, d'you wanna order or whut?" the waiter, named   
TharzZzDunN, asked.  
Minako thought about it.  
  
Later...  
"So, like, d'you wan' fries with that?" the waiter, named   
Huh?, asked. TharzZzDunN had just died of boredom.  
Minako thought about it.  
  
Later....  
"So, like, I think we're outta that..." the waiter, named A-  
kun, told her. Huh? had died of boredom and was rotting away with   
TharzZzDunN.  
Minako thought about it more.  
  
Much later.....  
"I could check on that...." the waitress, named ?????, said.   
A-kun had strangled himself to death with a strip of fly paper.  
Minako thought about it some more.  
  
Much MUCH later.......  
"So, like are you gonna give a big tip?" the waitress, named   
C-chan, asked. ????? had screamed and leapt out the nearest window,   
which was two floors down, in the lobby.  
Minako thought about it intensely.  
  
MUCH MUCH MUCH later.............  
"I wanna go home!!" the waitress, named A-chan, bawled. C-  
chan had just gone on a rampage and had slaughtered half of the   
lawyers in the world.  
Minako thought about it with all her might.  
  
Really freakin' late...........................  
"Will that be all today, miss?" the waiter, named the Inverse   
Layer, asked politely.  
Minako thought about it some more.  
And answered.  
"Sure, what are today's Specials?" Minako asked.  
The Inverse Layer looked at his watch to see what day it was.   
Tuesday. It figured.  
  
====================================================================  
  
Apologies to DDFA, but TharzZzDunN couldn't get this idea out   
of his demented head.  
  
| 


	26. Waiting For Minako part 26: The View

Title: Waiting For Minako Part 26  
Author: Dark Day For Anime (Mark A Page)  
Email: ayanami@internode.net.au  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet #AJAS  
Fic Rating: So, you thought there was no plot to this series, did   
you? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, you're RIGHT!  
  
  
Waiting for Minako  
by DDFA (Mark A Page)  
  
Part Twentysix - The View  
  
Warning: This chapter contains PLOT, which may be distressing to  
regular WfM readers. So you are advised the wear your Snerg Glasses  
and consume as many black jellybeans as possible before starting to  
read.  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: DDFA's house. Minako is sitting in the large, white armchair  
in the loungeroom, watching television. DDFA is sitting in front of   
his computer drumming his fingers against the armrest of his seat.  
  
  
DDFA: I dunno.... It seems so out of character for you....  
  
Minako: So? Writing out of character has never bothered you   
before.  
  
DDFA: That's true.  
  
Minako: So what if I want to be the villain in a fic? I've   
always wanted to play the bad guy.  
  
DDFA: Yes, but the succubus bit is going just a little bit too  
far, don't you think?  
  
Minako: Hey, if you're going to be a villain, be a REAL villain.  
  
  
DDFA shrugs as Minako starts flicking through channels with the   
remote. She lets out a short cry, catching his attention.  
  
  
DDFA: What? What is it?  
  
Minako: It's Ami and Makoto.... They're on tv!  
  
DDFA: What? Is it another repeat of DiCMoon?  
  
Minako: No.... It's Waiting for Me.... I mean, Waiting for   
Minako.  
  
DDFA: Eeeeeh?  
  
  
DDFA gets up from his seat and hurries over to Minako's side. On   
the tv screen, Ami and Makoto are climbing the stairway that leads   
to the top floor of the hospital.  
  
  
Ami: My legs are tired.  
  
Makoto: Do you have any more complaints in your repetoire?  
  
Ami: Yes. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I'm bored. I've got  
tennis elbow. My mother used to beat me up. I hate   
those small, white packets that come in shoeboxes.   
Voyager sucks. Hisakawa Aya is too old to play me. Why  
call an armchair an armchair when arms don't need to sit  
down....  
  
Makoto: You can stop now.... Jeez....  
  
Ami: Well, you did ask me.  
  
Makoto: How much further to the top of these stairs?  
  
Ami: I dunno. Why?  
  
Makoto: Cos I'd like to throw you down them when we get there.  
  
  
DDFA scratches his head.  
  
  
DDFA: Damn.... So that is where my imagination got to.  
  
Minako: You should be more careful where you put it. They might  
have been able to see back through the tv screen and   
spotted me.... That would bring this fanfic to a sudden  
close.  
  
DDFA: I bet there are a few who would like to see it killed   
right now.  
  
Minako: Yes, but that would only encourage you to release   
"Sailor Losers" a lot sooner.  
  
DDFA: True. True.  
  
Minako: Where are they going, by the way?  
  
DDFA: Who?  
  
  
Minako points to the screen.  
  
  
Minako: That pair.  
  
DDFA: Oh, they're heading for the main office of the hospital,  
where they shall have a fateful meeting.  
  
Minako: You mean you've found a plot for this series?  
  
DDFA: There always was a plot for this series. I just   
kept.... misplacing it.  
  
Minako: .....  
  
DDFA: Shhhh.... They've reached the office.  
  
  
On the screen, Ami and Makoto are standing outside the door of the  
hospital's main office, puffing heavily as they try to catch their  
breath. Makoto stands up and eyes the door, suspiciously.  
  
  
Makoto: You know, this could all be a trap.  
  
Ami: What.... you mean we climbed all those stairs for   
nothing?  
  
Makoto: No, sorry.... I always wanted to say that.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: Well, should we barge right in, or should we knock   
first?  
  
Ami: Why ask me? I'm just the blue-haired genius.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Well, if we're going to do it....  
  
  
Makoto rolls her eyes and places her hand on the doorknob.  
  
  
Voice: Come in. You are expected.  
  
  
They both look at each other in surprise.  
  
  
Makoto: Well, should we?  
  
Ami: Be my guest.  
  
  
Makoto turns the doorknob and pushes the door open. The room inside  
is dark, save for a single light that shines down the back wall.   
Silhouetted against the light is a desk and a swivel chair, turned  
away from them, its high back hiding the person sitting in it.  
  
  
Voice: So, you have come this far. I am most impressed. Don't  
be frightened.... I won't hurt you. Please come in.  
  
  
The pair take a deep breath and step in to the office.  
  
  
Voice: I take it you are no longer fooled by the false visions  
you have experienced?  
  
Makoto: Who are you? What do you want?  
  
Voice: What do I want? To help you, of course. And in the   
process you shall be helping me.  
  
Ami: How? How are we going to help you?  
  
Voice: I take it you have seen the Anime Character Replication  
Device?  
  
Makoto: What? That photocopier?  
  
Voice: Yes, that.... photocopier.... It's a little more   
complicated than that, but I suppose that is a good   
analogy for the device.  
  
Makoto: Why were you making copies of Ami?  
  
  
The person chuckles.  
  
  
Voice: Because there is a call for Sailormercuries.... Someone  
has to supply the world with them, somehow. And that is   
the problem.  
  
  
The chair turns, but all Ami and Makoto can see is a small, shadowy   
figure with a pair of glowing, red, squinting eyes.  
  
  
Voice: I was placed in charge of this hospital by the Powers   
That Be after the initial explosion of fanfics on the   
web. Characters were duplicated by the thousands for   
purposes unknown by a myriad of fanfic writers....  
  
Makoto: You mean that dream I had.... about being nothing more   
than an anime character, being used and abused by   
others, was the truth?  
  
Voice: I did my best to communicate this information to you, in  
an effort to break the visions that had a hold on you.  
  
Ami: So how does knowing this mean we can help you?  
  
Voice: I was one of those copies made. But I was not perfect  
enough.... I did not live up to the character that I   
was created from, and so I must live out my life in this  
place.... This hell.... But with your help, I can   
succeed my original, and become part of the REAL anime  
universe.  
  
Makoto: How? How can we help you become.... real? And will   
this help us get back to normality?  
  
Voice: Oh, indeed it will.  
  
  
The figure flicks a switch on top of the desk. Both Ami and Makoto  
gasp as a light cascades from above, illuminating the figure sitting  
in the chair. Watching this from her armchair, Minako also gasps.   
She turns to DDFA.  
  
  
Minako: It can't be....  
  
DDFA: I'm afraid it is. The greatest force of darkness in the  
anime world.  
  
Minako: But that.... that's horrible....  
  
  
Minako turns back to the screen, thereby failing to notice a couple  
of dark figures who range up behind DDFA and grab him, placing a   
cloth over his mouth. After a few moments of struggle, he falls   
unconscious, and the pair drag him away.  
  
Meanwhile, on the screen, Ami and Makoto stare at the mirror image  
of.... MOKONA!!!  
  
  
Mokona: So, now you see the true depth of the horror.  
  
Makoto: You! But.... It CAN'T be....  
  
Ami: You're not supposed to be able to talk.  
  
Mokona: Ah yes.... I'm not supposed to be able to say anything  
but "pu", ne? The first and most obvious fault in my  
creation. Secondly, I am too practical and mature in   
the usage of the powers given to me.... Unlike my...  
"real" self.... I am not an annoying spawn of the   
devil.  
  
  
Before the Mokona clone can say anymore, both Makoto and Ami grab  
him and hug him tightly.  
  
  
Ami: Kawaii!  
  
Makoto: I always wanted to squeeze you.  
  
Mokona: Uhhhnnn.... Excuse me, ladies. Can we get back to the  
matter at hand?  
  
Ami: Ah, gomen.  
  
Makoto: Sorry sorry.  
  
  
They put the Mokona back in the seat, where he brushes himself down,  
trying to regain his composure.  
  
  
Mokona: Now, you can see my plight. I am immeasurably more   
suitable to take up the role of Mokona. However, as   
long as my irresponsible original exists, I will remain  
in this worthless, second rate position.  
  
Makoto: So what do you want us to do?  
  
Mokona: I want you, as originals yourselves, to... DESTROY THE  
ORIGINAL MOKONA!  
  
  
There is a clash of dramatic music, as Minako jumps out of her seat.  
  
  
Minako: Oi! That's just a bit much, Mister DDFA.... Ami and  
Makoto destroy Mokona? Ridiculous.  
  
  
She turns and looks around the room for the missing DDFA.  
  
  
Minako: Hey, where have you gone?  
  
  
END OF PART 26  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Will Ami and Makoto agree to destroy the original Mokona? Has DDFA  
been kidnapped? Will Minako be able to rescue him? Does anyone  
actually want her to rescue him? Is the whole clone idea a rip from  
UID? Will all those black jellybeans give you the runs? For almost  
no answers to these questions, read the next chapter of "Waiting for  
Minako", the fic that brings new meaning to the term "PU!" ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/You know, this little Mokona pictogram  
\___________/works in fixedsys font.... ^_^;;  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
PU 1.0 - Thursday, January 14th 1999 


	27. Waiting For Minako part 27: The Investig...

Title: Waiting For Minako Part 27  
Author: Aino Minako. Really. I mean it. ¬_¬  
Email: ayanami@internode.net.au  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet #AJAS  
Fic Rating: Perhaps PA might like to think twice about how far they  
would like to take their defence of certain other publishing   
companies before they get tarred with the same brush?  
  
  
Waiting for Minako  
by Aino Minako (In DDFA's absence)  
  
Part Twentyseven - The Investigation  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
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From the Journal of Minako Aino, Private Investigator....  
  
"Right from the start, it was suspicious. I knew DDFA was   
quite capable of doing strange things, but disappearing from his own  
house, almost under my nose, was not one of them."  
  
"It was then that I received the phone call...."  
  
  
Scene: DDFA's kitchen. Minako, dressed in Sherlock Holmes outfit,   
is pacing backwards and forwards, holding onto a pipe that is stuck  
into the corner of her mouth. The phone rings and she stares at it  
for a couple of seconds. She then answers it.  
  
  
Minako: Mmmphh mmmmppphh....  
  
  
She takes the pipe out of her mouth.  
  
  
Minako: Hello?  
  
Voice: Is that one Aino Minako, Private Investigator?  
  
Minako: No, I'm Queen Elizabeth the Second.  
  
Voice: Oh sorry, wrong number.  
  
Minako: Cynicism is dead in your part of the world, isn't it?  
  
Voice: .....  
  
Minako: What do you want?  
  
Voice: I am a member of the Anime Character Liberation Front.  
  
Minako: Sounds painful.  
  
Voice: Yeah, you should see what it's like on Tuesdays.  
  
Minako: And so, for what reason do you call me?  
  
Voice: We have kidnapped DDFA!  
  
Minako: What? In January?  
  
Voice: We demand that this fanfic be brought to a solid and   
logical conclusion before the entire readership suffers  
mass brain meltdown.  
  
Minako: Is that your only demand?  
  
Voice: No. We demand the release of the Beijing Five, the   
Durban Six, the Edinburgh Four, Coventry two to  
Liverpool nil, Arsenal three to Manchester United two,  
Leeds nil to Blackburn one and Chelsea nil to West Ham  
nil.  
  
Minako: Would you like fries with that?  
  
Voice: Not tonight, darling, I've got a headache.  
  
Minako: How much time do we have?  
  
Voice: The deadline is chapter thirty. Unless this fic has   
been completed by then, DDFA is in for the chop!  
  
Minako: What? No steak?  
  
  
The phone hangs up. Minako stares at the receiver, then puts it   
back on the phone.  
  
  
Minako: Chapter thirty, eh? Looks like I'll have my work cut  
down to size.  
  
  
From the Journal of Minako Aino, Private Investigator....  
  
"Chapter Thirty. It was going to be next to impossible....   
So many pointless plot threads. So many useless characters.   
Whoever it was that had kidnapped DDFA, they had to have been pretty  
pissed off over this fanfic...."  
  
"Or maybe it was someone he pissed off over another one of his  
fanfics.... Usagi is Dead, maybe, or Sailor Investigation Unit....  
Whatever the case, being in control of this fanfic gave me an   
immense rush of power, and I was less than enthused about having to  
hurry to find him...."  
  
  
Meanwhile, Ami and Makoto are standing in the far corner of the main  
office of the hospital as the clone Mokona talks to someone on the   
phone.  
  
  
Mokona: Look, it's not MY fault they wanted to talk about the   
timing of the birth of Jesus and all that crap.... It  
could have been a hell of a lot worse. Justin Fraser   
might still have been on the list.  
  
  
Mokona winces as the person on the other end of the line starts to   
shout at him.  
  
  
Mokona: Yes, yes.... I know. Don't feed the troll. *Sigh*   
Look, T, I can only produce so many characters for their  
fics.... We're seriously short of Ranmas at the moment.  
If they write too many more, then there is going to be a  
shortage. They might even have to start sharing their  
Ranmas around, which means no darkfics. I doubt you can  
share around a Ranma that's been mutilated beyond the   
point of recognition.  
  
  
In the corner, Ami and Makoto start to whisper to each other.  
  
  
Makoto: So, what are we going to do?  
  
Ami: You mean his plan for us to kill the original Mokona?  
  
Makoto: Do you trust him?  
  
Ami: A Mokona that talks? No way.  
  
Makoto: Pity he's so cute. I'm only JUST resisting the   
temptation to squeeze him, again.  
  
Ami: That's the problem. The original Mokona will appear   
just as cute.  
  
Makoto: Ah yes.... Can we resist the temptation to simply   
squeeze the little bastard?  
  
Ami: Can we even catch the little bastard? Ryuzaki Umi has  
been trying for years. She hasn't succeeded yet.   
Mokona has some strange power, one that lets him get   
away from just about everything.  
  
Makoto: But as he says, only originals like us have the power to  
finish him off.  
  
Ami: Sounds suspicious to me.... It's a good excuse for his  
failiure to do the job. If he even had a fraction of   
the original's dark power, he'd be able to scrag the   
little bastard, no problem.  
  
Makoto: Who is he talking to, anyway?  
  
Ami: Don't ask.... It's a person of great influence and   
power. If you're not careful, you'll become a banned  
subject.  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
  
Mokona puts down the phone and sighs.  
  
  
Mokona: They're all apologising for things they've done wrong,   
too. It must be the age of Mea Culpa, or something.   
Next thing you know, they'll be asking about Kaitou Ace  
and lost webpages on the Neo SM List....  
  
  
He looks up at the two girls.  
  
  
Mokona: So, have the two of you decided whether you'll help me  
or not?  
  
Ami: We're.... thinking about it.  
  
Makoto: What we'd really like to know is, what is in it for us?  
  
Mokona: Ahh.... I thought you'd ask that, eventually....  
  
  
Mokona turns as a screen descends from the ceiling at the back of   
the room. Scenes from past chapters of "Waiting for Minako" flash  
across this screen.  
  
  
Mokona: As you can see, right from the start, this series has  
made absolutely no sense, whatsoever. From the moment  
the pair of you started waiting by the wall, to the  
accident with the aircraft, your holiday in Hawaii, your  
wanderings along the beach in Queensland.... Everything  
has been the product of a warped mind.  
  
Ami: That's all very well, but what has this to do with our  
potential assassination of the original Mokona?  
  
Mokona: From certain sources, I've been lead to believe that   
DDFA, the so-called author of this mess, was not, in   
fact, in control of himself whilst writing.... It is a  
conspiracy between the original Mokona and someone else,  
whose identity has not been revealed to me.  
  
  
Outside DDFA's house, still dressed in her Sherlock Holmes outfit,   
Minako sneezes and blinks, scratching her head.  
  
  
From the Journal of Minako Aino, Private Investigator....  
  
"It was at that moment that I realised that someone was   
talking about me, somewhere in the world.... My paranoia grew as I  
started to follow the tracks that lead from DDFA's front door....   
Mostly since the tracks had been painted in bright, fluorescent   
green.... Someone obviously meant for me to follow them. This   
either meant I was falling into a trap, or someone had purchased  
fluorescent green paint in bulk..."  
  
  
END OF PART 27  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Will Minako find DDFA and defeat his kidnappers? Will Ami and   
Makoto believe the Mokona clone? Will Spiny Norman make a   
reappearance? What have Haruka and Michiru done to fix the problems  
with this fanfic? Is that a dead giveaway to future chapters? For  
almost no answers to these questions, read the next chapter of   
"Waiting for Minako". Proud winner of no fanfic awards and abuser  
of innocent animals. ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ Aino Minako (in DDFA's absence)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\Manic-Depressive Sailorsenshi without a clue  
\/ \/Professional failiure in quotations  
\___________/Massive avoider of responsibility  
/_/ \_\ PUAnd better looking than everyone else in the  
damn series!  
  
  
Makoto: What do you mean, better looking?  
  
Minako: Settle down. It's just a sig....  
  
Ami: You're crusin' for a bruisin', you blond bitch.  
  
Minako: Ah, so, you have something against blonds, do you?  
  
Makoto: *cracks knuckles* Don't change the subject.  
  
Minako: *Ulp* ^_^;;  
  
  
Sailor V 1.0 - Tuesday, 19th January 1999 


	28. Waiting For Minako part 28: The Unspeaka...

Title: Waiting For Minako Part 28  
Author: Aino Minako. I mean it, dammit. Don't make me whip you with  
my Venus Love Me Chain.... Dammit, stop lining up....  
Email: ayanami@internode.net.au  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet #AJAS  
Fic Rating: This is not an animal.... It is a fanfic without   
morals.  
  
  
Waiting for Minako  
by Aino Minako (In DDFA's absence)  
  
Part Twentyeight - The Unspeakable  
  
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--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: Outside DDFA's house. Minako is staring at a trail of   
footprints, leading away from the front door in indelible green   
paint with a magnifying glass. Suddenly, she stops and pauses.  
  
  
From the Journal of Minako Aino, Private Investigator....  
  
"It suddenly dawned on me that there had been an occasion   
where green paint was used in a DDFA fanfic.... And not that long  
ago, either. In "Sailor Investigation Unit", Setsuna was seen to   
have fallen into a large vat of green paint within the Sacred House  
compound, during the attack by forces of the Coven of Atrocity.   
This was obviously a plot by the OUTERS!"  
  
  
Cue dramatic music. Minako looks up and around for the source.   
Shaking her head, she places the magnifying glass in the pocket of  
her coat and takes out her pipe again. As she blows bubbles, she  
thinks deeply. (Well, as deeply as Minako can think, anyway).  
  
  
"This hasn't been my first run-in with those foul fiends.   
Demon Haruka, Mad Dog Michiru, Baby-face Hotaru and Setsuna the   
Butcher.... Four of the meanest, cruelest femmes this side of the  
Pacific. They would stop at nothing to get what they wanted, and   
what they wanted was this fanfic finished by chapter thirty. Damn  
them.... A fanfic with MY name in it, and they want to bring it to  
an end.... Well, this called for a scene change...."  
  
  
Meanwhile in Hades, Usagi, with Mokona still sitting on her head, is  
standing at a bus stop with an unspeakable horror. After several   
minutes of staring into space, Usagi glances up at the unspeakable  
horror, trying to sum up enough courage to ask it a question.  
  
  
Usagi: Ahem....  
  
  
All of the horror's eyes turn to her. She swallows.  
  
  
Usagi: Do.... you know.... when the next.... bus.... is due?  
  
Cthulu: Hmm? The next bus, love?  
  
Usagi: Umm.... Yes.  
  
  
The unspeakable horror does its best impression of a shrug as it   
answers Usagi in a broad Cockney accent.  
  
  
Cthulu: I really couldn't tell ya. I've been standin' ere for a  
good two years n'all. Never seen a bus in all that   
time.  
  
Usagi: Two years!?!? How can you wait that long?  
  
Cthulu: Well, you know how it is. You sit on the bottom of the   
ocean for a number of years, you get used to waiting.   
So it's really no skin off my hide, so to speak.  
  
  
The unspeakable horror sniffs.  
  
  
Cthulu: Ere, you wouldn't 'appen to be that Moon Princess   
whatchamacallit, would you?  
  
Usagi: Umm.... You mean Sailormoon, aka Princess Serenity?  
  
Cthulu: Yeah, that one. Used to watch the program to wile away  
the centuries an all. Fancy meeting you down ere in   
Hades. Never would ave thought you fer this place.  
  
Usagi: Well, I didn't really have much of a choice.  
  
Cthulu: What? You didn't get yerself all mixed up in another   
fanfic and died, did ya?  
  
Usagi: Yes. A DDFA one. I died in my first scene.  
  
Cthulu: What a shame. Still, now you're ere, would ya mind   
givin' me yer autograph?  
  
  
The unspeakable horror holds out a Sailormoon flyer from a Japanese  
comic convention, circa 1992, and a pen. Usagi takes both,   
nervously.  
  
  
Usagi: Umm.... Who should I dedicate this to? To you?  
  
Cthulu: Oh, no, not fer me. It's fer me daughter, y'see.  
  
Usagi: Yer daughter? I mean, your daughter?  
  
Cthulu: Yes. Young Lillith is such a big fan of yours. She'd   
be ever so pleased to 'ave it.  
  
Usagi: Ah, okay then.  
  
  
Still nervously glancing at the unspeakable horror, Usagi begins to   
scribble at the bottom of the flyer....  
  
  
Usagi: To my adoring fan, Lillith.... May all your days be   
filled with worlds to destroy and mythos to maintain....  
  
  
She does her best to smile as she hands back the flyer to the   
unspeakable horror.  
  
  
Usagi: There you go.  
  
Cthulu: Oooh, ta love. This'll make 'er ever so 'appy.  
  
Usagi: Um, so, might I ask you what you're doing in Hades?  
  
Cthulu: Me? Oh, just doin' a bit of sightseein' an' all.   
Destroying worlds can get so tiring, ya know what I   
mean?  
  
Usagi: Yes.... it must.  
  
Cthulu: So there I was, sittin' on the bottom of the sea,   
waitin' fer those bloody stars to get themselves sorted  
out, when I decided what I really needed was a good   
'oliday.... Somewhere where I could get away from the  
wife an' all.... See the universe, so to speak.  
  
Usagi: So you came to Hades.  
  
Cthulu: Oh, yah, it was a right ripper. All that winin' and   
dinin'.... All those lost souls, wanderin' about....  
Pure luxury, I tells ya.  
  
Usagi: And yet, you've been standing at this bus stop for two  
years.  
  
Cthulu: Well, I'm a patient man, ya see. An' besides, the   
travel agent warned me beforehand that Hades' public  
transport system in run on the same timetable as the   
London bus service. Any moment now, there should be   
three of the things comin' around the corner.  
  
  
The unspeakable horror gestures up the street with a tentacle.   
Usagi looks at the tentacle nervously and starts getting bad hentai  
fanfic flashbacks, taking two steps back from it. The unspeakable  
horror stares into space.  
  
  
Cthulu: Anyways, I don't see what you're so worried about an'   
all. Even if it takes another two years for a bus to  
arrive, you're not goin' anywhere. So ya might as well  
wait with me, eh?  
  
  
It winks at her and settles down, crossing a couple of cartilage   
stacks. Just at that point, there is a whining noise from down the  
street. Usagi and the unspeakable horror turn to see a double   
decker Gigerian nightmare trundle down the street towards them, with  
a Xenomorph out of Alien at the wheel. It pulls up at the stop,   
blowing steam and all kinds of gasses from throbbing pipes on its   
sides. The Xenomorph opens the door and looks down at them, tipping  
its driver's hat.  
  
  
Xenomorph: Sssssss.... You getting on.... sssssss..... Or are you  
going to ssssssssssssssit there? Sssssssssssss........  
  
  
The unspeakable horror stands and walks up the steps, proffering the  
Xenomorph some coins.  
  
  
Cthulu: Ticket to Efreet Street, please.  
  
  
The Xenomorph hisses and takes the coins, giving the unspeakable   
horror a ticket. As this happens, Usagi nervously looks at the   
assorted collection of monsters sitting on the bus.  
  
  
Xenomorph: Ssssssss...... What about you? Sssssssss......  
  
  
Usagi turns to the Xenomorph, nervously.  
  
  
Usagi: No, I'll wait for the next bus, thankyou very much.  
  
Xenomorph: Sssssssssssuit yourssssssself.  
  
  
With a little wave, the unspeakable horror walks down the aisle and   
finds itself a seat as the Xenomorph closes the door. The bus pulls  
away as Usagi watches, only finally letting out a breath as it   
disappears around a corner.  
  
  
Usagi: You know, Mokona. It's a good thing we're both so   
stupid.  
  
Mokona: Pu? O_O  
  
Usagi: Otherwise that unspeakable horror would have driven us   
mad by now.  
  
Mokona: Pu! ^_^  
  
  
There is a popping noise, and a young woman with blue-green hair,   
tied in a pair of long ponytails, dressed in clothes which look like  
a cross between a waitress uniform and a ballerina outfit, complete  
with short dress and white stockings with suspenders, appears,   
floating in mid-air, scaring the living bejeezus out of Usagi, who   
falls to the ground. Mokona just avoids this fate by leaping off   
her head and landing on her chest.  
  
  
Usagi: What the.... Mokona, what are you doing there?  
  
Mokona: Pu.... ^_^;;  
  
  
Mokona steps off Usagi's chest as Usagi sits up, rubbing her head.   
The girl who appeared is giggling at the pair.  
  
  
Usagi: What are YOU laughing at?  
  
Kanaru: Oh, I'm so terribly sorry if I scared you.  
  
Usagi: After what I've just been through, appearing like that  
couldn't have done anything BUT scare me. Who are you,  
anyway?  
  
  
The girl floats down to Usagi, smiling sweetly, her arms crossed in   
front of her.  
  
  
Kanaru: I am Kanaru-chan, the resident AI of Hades. I have just  
been checking through my arrival and departure logs and  
have discovered that you have been sent here before your  
time.  
  
Usagi: Eh?  
  
Kanaru: I'm afraid you're going to have to accompany me to the   
head office. Koenma-sama is really cross about this,   
I'm sorry to say?  
  
Mokona: Pu! O_O  
  
Usagi: Ko....Enma.... You don't mean THAT Koenma?  
  
  
Cue dramatic music. Usagi, Mokona and Kanaru look around for its   
source, then shrug it off.  
  
  
Kanaru: Yes, I mean THAT Koenma-sama. And I'm afraid that, if   
he ever finds the person who sent you here early, he's  
going to do his nana....  
  
  
END OF PART 28  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Are the Outers responsible for the kidnapping of DDFA? Has Usagi   
been sent to Hades before her time? What will Koenma-sama do when  
Kanaru-chan takes her to him? Why does Kanaru-chan wear a kinky   
outfit? And does anybody really care? For almost no answers to   
these questions, read the stunningly similar next chapter of   
"Waiting for Minako", rising from the depths when the Stars are  
Right.... Or Left....  
  
_________  
/ @ \ Aino Minako (in DDFA's absence)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\Manic-Depressive Sailorsenshi without a clue  
\/ \/Professional failure in quotations  
\___________/Massive avoider of responsibility  
/_/ \_\ GRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....... PU!  
  
  
DDFA's correspondence of the month of January goes to....  
  
d_purton@hotmail.com  
  
....for this amazing effort. ^_^  
  
  
^   
|--|  
| |  
| |  
|~|~| |~|~|  
| | | | | |  
\ /  
| |  
  
  
Fuck u people in Adalaide  
  
  
It's rare that one gets such amazing emails. Keep them up people.   
There is nothing like receiving abuse for my bastardry. (He   
couldn't even spell Adelaide.... What an amazingly intellectual   
person ^_^).  
  
  
Unspeakable Version 1.0 - Monday, 1st February 1999 


	29. Waiting For Minako part 29: The Solution

Title: Waiting For Minako Part 29  
Author: Sounds rather important, doesn't it?  
Email: ayanami@internode.on.net  
ICQ: 9845111  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet's #AJAS  
Fic Rating: My dooooog has fleeeaaas....  
  
  
Waiting for Minako  
by Aino Minako (In DDFA's absence)  
  
Part Twentynine - The Solution  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: The hideout of the Outers. The four are dressed in black   
suits with silly fake beards and mustaches on their faces, playing  
cards. In the background, DDFA can be seen, tied up and gagged in a  
wooden chair. Haruka get angry and throws down her cards, standing  
up and pointing an accusing finger at Setsuna.  
  
  
Haruka: How the hell can we play Poker with you? You always   
know the result of the game before we start.  
  
  
Setsuna chuckles.  
  
  
Setsuna: Honestly, Haruka.... You're just a sore loser.  
  
Haruka: Am not. I've had a winning hand EVERY game. But you   
just hold out until my nerve goes, knowing this in   
advance. NOBODY has a better poker face than you.  
  
  
Setsuna drops her cards on the table and leans back in her seat,   
waving at Haruka dismissively.  
  
  
Setsuna: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'll retire from  
the game.  
  
Haruka: NO! I can't play this game thinking I forced you out of  
it.  
  
Michiru: You didn't, Haruka dear. She KNEW she was going to give  
up about now. That's why she gave up.  
  
  
Haruka looks at Michiru.  
  
  
Haruka: You'll explain that, of course.  
  
Michiru: Look, it's very simple. She knew, in advance, that you   
would complain at this point, and therefore chose to   
give up when she did. Is it clear, now?  
  
Haruka: You mean she's just been leading us on all this time?  
  
Setsuna: Oh, honestly Haruka. How many times have I told you?   
All time is relative.  
  
Haruka: What the hell is that supposed to mean?  
  
Setsuna: Don't know, but it sure sounds profound, doesn't it?  
  
Haruka: Why you....  
  
  
Hotaru, at this point, sighs and lifts up her Silence Glaive, poking  
the end of the blade into Haruka's face.  
  
  
Hotaru: Siddown.  
  
  
Haruka looks at the blade, nervously.  
  
  
Haruka: What a big weapon you have.  
  
Hotaru: All the better to fillet you with.  
  
Michiru: Now now now, Hotaru dear.... You know what they say   
about people with a big weapon complex.  
  
  
The blade shifts from Haruka to Michiru.  
  
  
Hotaru: What do they say?  
  
Michiru: That.... they're really.... cool people....  
  
  
Hotaru nods with satisfaction and lifts the blade up to Michiru's  
hair, gently parting her fringe.  
  
  
Hotaru: Yes, I'm sure they do. After all, all the best   
character shrines out there are dedicated to me.  
  
  
Hotaru begins to giggle insanely, then out loud, falling backwards  
as her chair hits the ground. She continues to laugh, swinging the  
glaive around with mirth.  
  
  
Haruka: I don't think that new doctor is doing her much good,   
Setsuna.  
  
  
Setsuna smiles.  
  
  
Setsuna: He does me a lot of good, though.  
  
  
Haruka and Michiru stare at Setsuna as she turns aside, whistling  
innocently. Just then, the door to the room opens. Everyone stands  
in shock as Minako enters the room, gun in hand.  
  
  
Michiru: YOU!  
  
Minako: Yes, it is I....  
  
Haruka: YOU!  
  
Minako: Aino Minako....  
  
Setsuna: YOU!  
  
Minako: Private Investigator.  
  
Hotaru: WHO?  
  
  
Minako facefaults.  
  
  
Minako: I've already told you.  
  
Hotaru: Well I missed it, what with everyone here shouting   
"YOU".  
  
Minako: Well, I'm Aino Minako....  
  
Hotaru: Hold on.  
  
  
Hotaru puts her hand in her coat and takes out a pen and a pad.  
  
  
Hotaru: Now, start again.  
  
Minako: I'm Aino Minako....  
  
  
Hotaru starts scribbling.  
  
  
Hotaru: Yes, go on.  
  
Minako: ....Private Investigator.  
  
  
Hotaru continues scribbling.  
  
  
Hotaru: Right right.... Now, let me read that back. You're  
"Aino Minako, Private Investigator".  
  
Minako: That's right.  
  
Hotaru: Right. Okay. Sorry, I just had to make sure. You   
know, in this day and age, you can never be certain   
about these things.  
  
  
Minako lowers her gun and starts waving her other hand about as she  
gets into the conversation.  
  
  
Minako: Oh, I know. I keep having to note things down in my   
journal, otherwise I'd just forget everything.  
  
  
From the Journal of Aino Minako, Private Investigator.  
  
"I keep having to note things down in here, otherwise I'd just  
forget everything. Like, the situation I was in. Here I was,   
standing in a room with the four most dangerous women on the face of   
the planet, and I was nattering on about all of my failings like it  
didn't matter."  
  
  
Hotaru: Ah, I see. Well, I guess we better get on with the   
confrontational stuff, then.  
  
Minako: Uhuh.  
  
Hotaru: Okay. Haruka, you're turn.  
  
  
Haruka sniffs.  
  
  
Haruka: Oh, so you're giving me the opportunity to talk now, are  
you?  
  
Hotaru: Yes.  
  
Michiru: Not that you've never had something to say.  
  
  
Haruka glares at Michiru, who huffs and looks away, crossing her   
arms. Haruka sighs, then points at Minako, accusingly.  
  
  
Haruka: How did you find us?  
  
Minako: HAH! Do you think I'll give away my secrets that   
easily?  
  
Haruka: Yes.  
  
Minako: Oh. Alright then. I skipped ahead a couple of scenes   
to the chapter where I discover your hideout, then took  
a shortcut.  
  
Setsuna: I thought as much.  
  
Haruka: You CHEATED! You can't do that!  
  
Minako: BWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! I'm in charge of this story, so  
I can do anything I like.  
  
Setsuna: I thought as much.  
  
  
Haruka turns on Setsuna.  
  
  
Haruka: Will you shutup!  
  
  
Setsuna crosses her arms and nods.  
  
  
Setsuna: Yes, I thought you'd get angry.  
  
Haruka: Why you....  
  
Michiru: Haruka! Don't forget our guest.  
  
  
Haruka turns back.  
  
  
Haruka: Oh yes, sorry. Now, do you think we'll allow you to get  
away with this fragrant violation of fanfic rules.  
  
Michiru: That's 'flagrant', Haruka.  
  
Haruka: Look, stop interrupting me during my speeches.  
  
Michiru: Hmph!  
  
Haruka: Now where was I? Oh right. That's a FLAGRANT violation  
of fanfic rules.  
  
Minako: Never stopped me before.  
  
Michiru: She's got a point, there.  
  
  
Haruka puts her face in her hands and sobs. Michiru takes her by   
the arm.  
  
  
Michiru: There there.... It's not nearly as bad as you think.  
  
Haruka: Why? How bad could it get?  
  
Michiru: She could start her 'Ultraman' poses.  
  
Haruka: NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!  
  
  
Minako laughs maniacally.  
  
  
Minako: So, now you appreciate the depth of the situation, do  
you?  
  
Hotaru: Why? Are we going swimming?  
  
  
Minako facefaults.  
  
  
Hotaru: Waitaminute.... I'll get my swimsuit.  
  
Setsuna: Hotaru! We are not going swimming.  
  
Hotaru: Why not?  
  
Setsuna: It is destiny.  
  
  
Hotaru scratches her head.  
  
  
Hotaru: Crap. I wanna go swimming.  
  
Minako: Listen.... You can all put your hands up.  
  
Hotaru: But I'm not drowning.  
  
Minako: Would you stop with the swimming routine.  
  
Hotaru: But I want to go swimming.  
  
  
Minako growls.  
  
  
Minako: Put up your hands, all of you! You cannot escape.  
  
Haruka: That's what you think.  
  
Minako: Think? THINK? I'd be careful what you say about me.   
I'm the one with the gun.  
  
Haruka: And such a nice one, too.  
  
Minako: Yes. I bought this one in a nice little shop in   
Chicago, run by a couple of girls.... Look, that's not  
important!  
  
Michiru: What is important, then?  
  
Hotaru: Swimming.  
  
Minako: That is NOT important!  
  
Hotaru: It is to me!  
  
  
Minako growls and waves her gun around.  
  
  
Minako: ARGH! Look! You kidnapped DDFA to get this fanfic   
stopped by chapter 30, right? RIGHT?  
  
  
The four Outers shuffle their feet and mutter agreement.  
  
  
Minako: Well, I cannot guarantee that there shall be any kind  
of conclusion by chapter 30. Not with everything that   
has been built up over the last couple of chapters. But  
there is one thing I can guarantee that will change....  
With the temporary control I have over this fanfic.  
  
Outers: What?  
  
  
END OF PART 29  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
What will Minako do to this fanfic before she releases DDFA? Shall  
Hotaru ever go swimming? Does Setsuna really know everything that   
is going on? Does any of this really matter? For almost no   
questions to these answers (^_^) read the next exciting, enthralling  
and nauseating chapter of............... "The Fanfic Formerly Known  
As...." In that order, even. ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ Aino Minako (in DDFA's absence)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\Manic-Depressive Sailorsenshi without a clue  
\/ \/Professional failure in quotations  
\___________/Massive avoider of responsibility  
/_/ \_\ PU!  
  
  
TROGGLE 1.0 - Sunday, 7th February 1999 


	30. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 30: Th...

Title: The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 30  
Author: Might as well have a lobotomy.  
Email: ayanami@internode.on.net  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet's #AJAS  
Fic Rating: On the bonnie bonnie banks of Loch Lomond......  
  
  
Begin Happy99.exe................................................NOT  
  
  
The Fanfic Formerly Known As....  
by Aino Minako (In DDFA's absence)  
  
Part Thirty - The Office  
Smooth Draft (a Rough Draft with all the crunchy bits taken out)  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: The hideout of the Outers. Minako is standing in front of   
DDFA, smiling.  
  
  
Minako: So, what do you think of that as a solution?  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
Minako: Yes, it's sure to confuse everyone.... But at least I   
ended "Waiting for Minako" by chapter 30, eh?  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
Minako: What's wrong? Why don't you say anything?  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
Minako: Oh, right. I should take your gag off, first.  
  
DDFA: -_-;;  
  
Setsuna: Well, I'm not satisfied.  
  
  
Minako turns to the four Outers, who are standing behind her, arms  
crossed.  
  
  
Minako: Why? What's wrong?  
  
Haruka: Merely changing the name of the fanfic is not enough.  
  
Michiru: We demanded that this fanfic be brought to an end.  
  
Minako: But it's not that fanfic, anymore.  
  
Haruka: Of course it is. It's just the same fanfic by another   
name.  
  
Minako: Ah, does that mean the readers will know when this is   
posted.  
  
Outers: .....  
  
DDFA: .....  
  
Minako: See, a solution to the problem. Now, if you'll excuse   
me, I have a fanfic to write.  
  
  
And with that, Minako walks from the hideout. Everyone winces as   
she forgot to open the door on her way out.  
  
  
Setsuna: That's going to be a bugger to replace.  
  
  
DDFA sweatdrops, still bound and gagged to his chair, and in a state  
of panic over what Minako is doing to his fanfic....  
  
  
Meanwhile, in the office of Koenma-sama, in Hades....  
  
  
Koenma: Och, Ahm tellin' yer, lassie.... Yon ain't suppoosed to  
be dead, yet. Are yer understandin' me?  
  
  
Usagi, who is standing on the opposite side of Koenma-sama's desk,   
stares down at the pint-sized demon lord of the underworld, then   
over at Kanaru, who is in the corner of the room, sweatdropping.  
  
  
Usagi: Since when did he have a Scottish accent?  
  
Kanaru: Well.... Umm....  
  
Koenma: Ah, don' you be worryin' aboot answerin' such questions,  
Kannie me lassie. She obvioosly nay know aboot the   
horrible truth....  
  
  
Usagi turns to Koenma-sama, nervously.  
  
  
Usagi: And.... what horrible truth would that be....?  
  
Koenma: Tha' the entire afterlife is roon bah Scots.... We try  
ta hide tha fact froom everyboody bah usin' other   
languages.... Like ma role oon ma show.... It's soo   
hard ta keep it up, episode in, episode art.  
  
  
Usagi sighs and shakes her head.  
  
  
Usagi: Is that all.... I thought it was something REALLY bad.  
  
Koenma: What were you expectin', then? For me ta be German   
there, noo?  
  
  
Koenma-sama turns to Kanaru.  
  
  
Koenma: Will you get tha lassie some refreshments, Kannie? Ah  
bet she's had a roof time since she arrived.  
  
Kanaru: Haaaaaiii.  
  
  
Smiling, Kanaru disappears into thin air. Usagi scratches her head.  
  
  
Usagi: I thought Botan-chan was your secretary, or something.  
  
Koenma: Ah yes.... Botan.... Not a pretty story.  
  
Usagi: What happened to her.  
  
  
Koenma-sama sighs, lowering his head.  
  
  
Koenma: One day, she came up ta me an' said ah paid her naught   
much more than a pittance of what she was worth, and she  
up an'left me ta join Pink Pineapple. She nah makes   
hentah anime for tha dead.  
  
Usagi: Ack.  
  
Koenma: Well, ah said it wa'nt a pretty story. Tak a seat,   
there lassie.  
  
  
Koenma gestures to a seat, off to one side. Usagi nods and sits   
down. Koenma is about to hop out of his chair, when a sheet of   
paper glides by. He turns to see the top drawer of his filing   
cabinet open, with paper flying out to the sound of contented pu's.  
  
  
Koenma: Ah, blast it! That wee beastie has got inta mah files   
again! Must be tha fourth time this moonth.  
  
  
Koenma jumps out of his chair and knocks the drawer shut. Then,   
holding onto the top of the cabinet, he locks it, chuckling.  
  
  
Koenma: There, ya wee beastie.... Tra an' get outta that one.  
  
  
As Koenma gets down from the cabinet and walks around the desk,   
Usagi stares at the cabinet, which is rocking from side to side as  
Mokona tries to escape his prison, with a chorus of disconcerted  
pu's.  
  
  
Usagi: I take it you're very acquainted with the bunny-thing,   
then?  
  
Koenma: You bet mah maiden aunt ah am, lassie. Damn beastie is  
tha menace of the underworld.  
  
Usagi: It's a little cruel, locking him in there like that,   
though.  
  
Koenma: Och, ahm tellin' you, lassie.... That's no ordinary   
rabbit.... That's the most foul, cruel and bad tempered  
rodent you've ever laid eyes on.  
  
  
Suddenly, the second drawer flies open, and Mokona jumps up   
triumphantly, smiling.  
  
  
Mokona: Pu! ^_^  
  
Koenma: Och, ya see wha' I mean? Ya can't win agin' such a   
beastie. It's blessed bah Kami-sama, I tell ya.  
  
  
Mokona turns as a small, yellow, rat-like thing with a tail the   
shape of a lightning bolt pops up next to him.  
  
  
Mokona: Pu? O_O  
  
Pikachu: Pika pika. ^_^  
  
Mokona: Pu pupu pu pupupu pu pu. ^_^  
  
Pikachu: Pii ka kachu pii pika kachu. ^_^  
  
Usagi: What are they saying?  
  
Koenma: These be things we are never meant ta know, lassie. Yon  
kawaii beasties ha' a language all of tha oon.  
  
  
Usagi sighs.  
  
  
Usagi: Anyway. You said I wasn't supposed to be dead, yet....  
  
Koenma: Hmm?  
  
Usagi: Remember? The reason you dragged me to your office.  
  
Koenma: Oh tha'.... Ye, of course. Nah when ah was lookin'   
through ma files, ah spotted your name. Now ah knew  
you weren't s'posed to be here, yet, so I sent oot  
Kannie oot ta get ye. In tha meantime, ah looked   
through tha files....  
  
  
He gestures to the papers, now scattered across the room.  
  
  
Koenma: ....Whatever order they were in, an' ah foond tha' you  
were brought to your premature demise through a   
conspiracy.  
  
Usagi: A conspiracy?  
  
Koenma: That is wha' ah said, lassie. Ma accent ain't that ba'.  
  
Usagi: What do you mean by a conspiracy?  
  
Koenma: Well, this be a DDFA fic, ah tell you.... However, ah  
suspec' the real reason has somethin' ta do wi' tha fac'  
tha' this entire fanfic ha' actually bin railroaded by   
an outside force....  
  
  
Dramatic music fills the room. Everyone looks around for its   
source.  
  
  
Koenma: Ya see what ah mean.... Where tha hell did tha' come   
from?  
  
Usagi: Mokona! Have you been playing with the muzak tapes,   
again?  
  
  
Mokona shuffles on his feet, trying to look innocent.  
  
  
Meanwhile, outside Koenma-sama's office building, a banana in   
pyjamas is sneaking up behind one of the two security demons,   
standing outside the front entrance, looking bored. As the demon  
turns and looks away, B1 clouts him over the back of his head with  
a stone teddy bear. The demon falls into B1's waiting arms and is  
dragged away. The other demon eventually notices his companion is  
missing.  
  
  
Demon: Bob? Yo, Bob? Where've you gone?  
  
  
Before the demon can say anymore, B2 lands on top of him, knocking  
him to the ground. The pair roll around for several moments,   
grappling with each other, before B2 lands a victory blow across the  
demon's chin. B2 then drags the demon away.  
  
Seconds later, two young women, wearing the demons' security   
uniforms (both too big for them) meet back at the front entrance.   
One has long, black hair and pale skin, the other short red hair   
with tanned skin.  
  
  
Kei: I tell you, for the underworld, the security here really  
sucks.  
  
Yuri: Don't let those idiots fool you. We've gotta get past   
the hideous tentacle rape monster at the front desk.  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: Can we go home, now?  
  
Yuri: Shuddup and get inside.  
  
  
Yuri pushes Kei through the front doors.  
  
  
END OF PART 30  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
What is Minako doing to this fanfic? Is she really to blame for   
Usagi's premature demise? Is the afterlife run by Scots? Why were  
Kei and Yuri dressed as B1 and B2? Did Mokona really mess with the  
muzak? And where the hell are Ami and Makoto? For absolutely,   
positively almost no answers, read the next enthralling chapter of  
"The Fanfic Formerly Known As....", available with a free Mokona. I  
have to get rid of the little bastard before he completely trashes   
the house....  
  
  
Mokona: Pu! ^_^  
  
_________  
/ @ \ Aino Minako (in DDFA's absence)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\Manic-Depressive Sailorsenshi without a clue  
\/ \/Professional failure in quotations  
\___________/Massive avoider of responsibility  
/_/ \_\ PU!  
  
  
TROGGLE 1.0 - Tuesday, 2nd March 1999 


	31. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 31: Th...

Title: The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 31  
Author: I wrote this just the author day....  
Email: ayanami@internode.on.net  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet's #AJAS  
Fic Rating: Rated out of the ballpark.  
  
  
The Fanfic Formerly Known As....  
by Aino Minako (In DDFA's absence)  
  
Part Thirtyone - The Fnord  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: A dark cavern in the middle of Hades. All is still.   
Suddenly, there is a wheezing and groaning sound, and a 1960's   
London police telephone box materialises. The door to the box   
opens, and a round-faced, burly man with curly light hair and   
wearing a coat of various clashing colours over a shirt and trousers   
in black-pinstriped canary yellow, and green and red shoes, exits   
and stands, taking in his surroundings. Grabbing the lapels of his  
coat, he takes a breath.  
  
  
Doctor 6: Truggle fuggle snoppity bloop, kerfle frubble   
kelpritipity snorb blukkity herkle perkle.  
  
  
Nodding with satisfaction, he gets back into the telephone box,   
which promptly disappears, to the same chorus of wheezing and   
groaning.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in the Headquarters of Hades, at the front desk, The   
Lovely Angels are waiting for someone to serve them.  
  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: Do you get the feeling we're being ignored?  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: Somewhat.  
  
Kei: Maybe the tentacle demon that is supposed to serve here   
is hatching a dastardly plan to ravish our young and   
attractive bodies in horrible ways.  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: We can only hope. It'd be the first time you've got any.  
  
Kei: Is not.  
  
Yuri: Is so.  
  
Kei: Is not.  
  
Yuri: Is so.  
  
Kei: What about Yamamoto-san?  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: I don't think a female fighter pilot really counts.  
  
Kei: Yamamoto-san was FEMALE?  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: So, it's the Tsujimoto Affair all over again.  
  
Kei: I was only kidding. I never did anything with Yamamoto-  
san.  
  
Yuri: No, but I did.  
  
Kei: You wish.  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: Do you get the feeling we should have just stormed this  
place, instead?  
  
Kei: That's what I said, not five minutes ago.  
  
Yuri: That was fifty minutes ago.  
  
Kei: Oh really? Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?  
  
Yuri: Oh, so you've been having fun when I've had my back   
turned, have you?  
  
Kei: So would anyone else.  
  
Yuri: I don't mean THAT kind of fun.  
  
Kei: Well what do you think I've been doing? Playing   
Solitaire?  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: Pick those cards up from the floor.  
  
Kei: They're airline cards. They can keep.  
  
Yuri: So they are.  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: .....  
  
Kei: .....  
  
Yuri: They're United Airlines cards.  
  
Kei: Yeah? So?  
  
Yuri: Don't you know it's safer flying solo than it is flying   
United?  
  
Kei: Company expenses aren't what they used to be.  
  
Yuri: Next thing you'll tell me you've been flying Qantas.  
  
Kei: Only in the mating season.  
  
Yuri: Baka.  
  
  
Yuri slaps Kei one across the back of the head.  
  
  
Kei: Ow! Be careful.  
  
Yuri: Why?  
  
Kei: I don't have many neurons left. I need them in case we   
get in trouble.  
  
Yuri: I doubt that, somehow.  
  
  
Meanwhile, further into the building, Shishio, still wrapped in his  
bandages despite the fact that he is dead and could look like   
anything he really desired other than a Mummy Man, comes bursting   
through the door to Koenma-Sama's office.  
  
  
Shishio: HAH! I have come to take over Hell!  
  
  
He paused when he sees Mokona sitting at the desk.  
  
  
Mokona: Puu. ^_^  
  
  
Shishio's squeeze, Yumi and a man with a moustache, a blindfold with  
kanji written on it and a turtle shell, Usui, peer over Shishio's  
shoulder. Usui chuckles in his deep, gravelly voice.  
  
  
Usui: Get outta this one, asshole!  
  
Shishio: Damn you, BATTOUSAI!  
  
Yumi: There is no point blaming others for your own fuckups,  
dearie.  
  
Mokona: Puu. ^_^  
  
  
In another part of the building, Koenma-sama and Usagi are making  
their way towards the records office.  
  
  
Koenma: Och, ah think you'll lark yon wee person we hired ta keep  
tha records.  
  
Usagi: Ah really? Who be this yon wee person?  
  
Koenma: Wah don't ya meet for yeself, lassie?  
  
  
Koenma stops by a door and pushes it open. Usagi can see a huge   
room beyond, containing row after row of files, books and other   
assorted record-keeping paraphernalia. Usagi can't see anyone   
inside.  
  
  
Usagi: So, wah be this wee person? I mean, where is this   
person?  
  
Koenma: He be sittin' in tha main desk, lassie. Can't you see?  
  
  
Usagi looks at the chair by the main desk, turned away from her, but   
can't see anyone in it.  
  
  
Usagi: He's either incredibly small, or he's invisible.  
  
Koenma: Ah pants! He's raht in froont of ye.  
  
  
Koenma-sama calls into the office.  
  
  
Koenma: Oi, laddie, Ahve got a visitor fer ye.  
  
  
The chair slowly turns, and Usagi can see a small, SD-Monkey, with  
an earring through his ear, smiling at her as he munches on a   
cookie.  
  
  
ChuChu: Chuuuuuu! ^_^  
  
Usagi: Erk....  
  
Koenma: That's be him, lassie. Our keeper of tha records,   
ChuChu.  
  
ChuChu: Chuuu. Chu chu chu chu. ^_^  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Koenma: .....  
  
ChuChu: Chu. ^_^  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Koenma: .....  
  
ChuChu: Chu. ^_^  
  
Usagi: I think I've discovered part of the outside force that  
has railroaded this fanfic.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in the main office of the hospital, the Mokona clone is  
sitting at his desk, twiddling his paws.  
  
  
Mokona2: Soon. Soon I shall have the universe of kawaiidom all   
to myself. The day I have long waited for....  
  
  
There is a beeping from a small panel on his desk. He leans forward  
and presses a button on the panel, turning to the screen behind him.  
  
  
Mokona2: What is it, my Lady?  
  
  
The silhouette of a long-haired woman with a bow in her hair   
appears on the screen. There is a dark look in her glimmering eyes.  
  
  
Dark Lady: Our operatives have entered the Offices of Hades. All   
is going well.  
  
  
The Mokona clone leans back and laughs Evil Laugh Mark III (with   
safety catch on).  
  
  
Dark Lady: You should be careful with those evil laughs. They can  
be injurious to your health.  
  
Mokona2: Oops, forgot. ^_^;;  
  
Dark Lady: You really should share them around whilst attempting   
them. Here, let me show you.... You do the evil laugh   
at the same time as I do.  
  
Mokona2: Okay.  
  
Dark Lady: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Mokona2: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Dark Lady: NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Mokona2: NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Dark Lady: There. See how much easier that was?  
  
Mokona2: Amazing.... I didn't even feel the sudden need to start  
hacking and coughing like I normally do.  
  
Dark Lady: Something I had to learn years ago. I used to do the   
silly bimbo chuckle, so it was really hard. And in that  
deep, broad, educated English accent of yours, it sounds  
so good to work with. Who did they get to play you?   
Peter Wyngarde?  
  
Mokona2: Well, yes.... But they had to give him a Fnord in his  
contract.  
  
Dark Lady: A Fnord?  
  
Mokona2: Yes, a Fnord.  
  
Dark Lady: What is a Fnord?  
  
Mokona2: Have you heard the joke about the Christmas Squid?  
  
Dark Lady: No.  
  
Mokona2: Well there you go.  
  
Dark Lady: .....  
  
Mokona2: I feel like another evil laugh. Care to join me?  
  
Dark Lady: Why not.  
  
Mokona2: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Dark Lady: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Mokona2: NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Dark Lady: NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
  
END OF PART 31  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
What is a Fnord? What is the joke about the Christmas Squid? Will  
Kei and Yuri ever be served at the front desk? Is ChuChu   
responsible for the problems in Hades' records? Is he part of the  
dark conspiracy to take over this fanfic? Will Shishio survive his   
battle with Mokona? And where the HELL are Ami and Makoto? I know  
I left them around here, somewhere.... All this and less in the   
next intellectually challenged chapter of "The Fanfic Formerly Known  
As...." The Monochrome Wonder of the Minute. In that order, even.  
  
_________  
/ @ \ Aino Minako (in DDFA's absence)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\Manic-Depressive Sailorsenshi without a clue  
\/ \/Professional failure in quotations  
\___________/Massive avoider of responsibility  
/_/ \_\ PU!  
  
  
TROGGLE 1.0 - Monday, 17th May 1999 


	32. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 32: Th...

Title: The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 32  
Author: Dark Day For Anime (Mark A Page)  
Email: ayanami@internode.on.net  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet's #AJAS  
Fic Rating: Is that a UFO in your pocket, or are you just pleased to  
abduct me?  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Fanfic Formerly Known As....  
by DDFA (Now having replaced Minako after escaping his bonds)  
  
Part Thirtytwo - The Scumbag  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: DDFA's hovel. Having reclaimed his seat from a disappointed  
Minako, he gets down to reading some of the mail that has arrived,   
and is surprised to find one from his spurned lover....  
  
  
From: Crispy   
To: DDFA   
Subject: Re: [FFML] [FF][Spoof][St.Luminous] The Girls  
  
I have, scumbag.  
  
Crispy.  
  
  
DDFA shakes his head, wondering if she answers everyone this way   
when he asks them if they've heard of St Luminous Mission High   
School. Of course, Crispy is still bitter about the time DDFA left   
her by the park bench, having told her that he was in love with   
someone else, and never wanted to see her again. Crispy has been   
having a hard time dealing with this, just KNOWING that, under that   
rotund, grizzled exterior, DDFA has to give a DAMN about her. And   
so, she goes on, reminding DDFA of their brief fling on the beach   
in Hawaii....  
  
Ahem. So, DDFA decides to bring in the entire cast of WfM, and they  
give him a rousing cheer for, once more, getting a rise out of   
Crispy.... One, two, three....  
  
  
All: DDFA'S A SCUMBAG!  
  
  
Clapclap clapclap clap.  
  
  
All: DDFA'S A SCUMBAG!  
  
  
Clapclap clapclap clap.  
  
  
All: DDFA'S A SCUMBAG!  
  
  
Clapclap clapclap clap.  
  
  
All: DDFA'S A SCUMBAG!  
  
  
Clapclap clapclap clap.  
  
DDFA pauses, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.  
  
  
DDFA: Why, thankyou, everyone. You're so kind to me.  
  
Minako: We just wanted you to know how we all REALLY feel about   
you.  
  
DDFA: That's so touching. I'll remember this for a long time.  
  
Koenma: Och, that be what we're afraid of, laddie.  
  
DDFA: Thankyou. Now, get back to your positions, or I'll have  
you killed in a brutal, painful and mildly humourous   
manner.  
  
All: YES SIR!  
  
  
The cast quickly disappears as DDFA sinks lower in his seat,   
wondering if he should ask Crispy for the gold ring back, knowing   
that Crispy's reply would be something along the lines of "You know  
where you can insert the ring".  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Hades, Usagi is pointing to a security monitor in the  
corner of the records office as Koenma stamps a couple of times on  
ChuChu for trying to eat his hat.  
  
  
Usagi: Ano....  
  
Koenma: What be the problem, there, lassie?  
  
ChuChu: Chuuuuu.... Chuuuu....  
  
Usagi: There are a couple of girls in skimpy outfits,   
emasculating the tentacle demon you have at your front   
desk.  
  
Koenma: Good thing, too.  
  
ChuChu: Chuuuu.... Chuchuchuuuu....  
  
Usagi: Is it?  
  
  
Usagi thinks it over.  
  
  
Usagi: Come to think of it, yeah, it probably is a good thing.   
Still, that just HAS to hurt.  
  
Koenma: It's been a load o' pants ever since we hired that yon   
beastie t'cover the front desk.  
  
ChuChu: Chuuuuuuuuuu......  
  
Usagi: A load of what?  
  
Koenma: PANTS, lassie. PANTS! Tha' stupid bastard goes an'   
ravages all th' good-lookin' girls we get in 'ere. Ah   
mean, th' atmospherics o' this place 'as jus' gone down,  
I tell ye.  
  
Usagi: Well, he won't be.... ravaging.... any good looking girls  
from now on.  
  
Koenma: Och, don't you go bettin' on it, lassie. he'll be   
growin' new ones in a wee bit o' time.  
  
Usagi: Remind me not to be in the building when he does.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Koenma's office, Shishio, Yumi, Usui and Hoji are   
lying in a pile, on top of the desk. Standing atop them all is   
Mokona, who lights a cigarette, smiling evilly.  
  
  
Mokona: Aku Soku Puuuuuuu! :D  
  
  
Back in the records office, Usagi, Koenma-sama and ChuChu are   
staring at the security monitor, grimly, watching as the two girls   
in skimpy outfits wreak havoc in the front office  
  
  
Usagi: Hmmm....  
  
Koenma: Hmmm....  
  
ChuChu: Chuu....  
  
Usagi: Hmmm....  
  
Koenma: Hmmm....  
  
ChuChu: Chuu....  
  
Usagi: Hmmm....  
  
Koenma: Hmmm....  
  
ChuChu: Chuu....  
  
Usagi: ....  
  
Koenma: ....  
  
ChuChu: ....  
  
Usagi: Well?  
  
Koenma: Well what?  
  
ChuChu: Chuu....  
  
Usagi: What are you going to do about them?  
  
Koenma: Ah, Ah was waitin' fer you t' ask.  
  
ChuChu: Chuu....  
  
  
Koenma-sama strikes a dramatic pose.  
  
  
Koenma: This looks lahk a job fer.... HELL'S BELLES!  
  
  
Insert Thunderbirds theme here as the walls of the records office  
retract, exposing the office's true nature.... A huge hangar vault,  
filled with hundreds of mecha of varying shapes and sizes. From   
doorways in the walls of the hangar, hundreds of super-kawaii girls  
from every rpg game imaginable emerge, all wearing pilot suits of  
varying colours and descriptions. Usagi's jaw drops as the girls   
stand in front of each and every mecha, saluting Koenma-sama.  
  
  
Girls: HAIL KOENMA-SAMA!  
  
  
Koenma gets up on ChuChu's desk, gesticulating with his hands.  
  
  
Koenma: Mah fearless lassies, the front office is being attacked  
by yon heartless harridans of the highest order. It is  
time for you ta show me your true skills, and defeat this   
menace that dares ta threaten tha very heart of Hades!  
  
Yoko: Does that mean we have to use our robots?  
  
Koenma: Uhhh.... Yes.  
  
Suzume: But I might scratch my mecha-chan.  
  
Kimiko: 'Heartless harridans' sounds so scary.  
  
Yuko: I might break out into a sweat.  
  
Suzume: I spent all night polishing my mecha-chan.  
  
Rika: I don't need my mecha to beat these bitches into   
smithereens!  
  
Arisu: Rika-chan, KOWAI!  
  
Rika: Aha... Ahahahahahaha....  
  
  
Koenma-sama sweatdrops.  
  
  
Koenma: Look, will yon lassies PLEASE beat tha livin' crap outta  
these two. Ah mean, they threaten yon source of sugar...  
Tha life source of all kawaii girls.  
  
  
The girls all smile. standing to attention.  
  
  
Girls: HAAIIIII!!!!! ^_^  
  
  
The girls start leaping about, giggling, as they get into their   
respective mechas. Koenma, Usagi and ChuChu put up their hands to  
shield their faces from the blasts of the mechas' rockets as they  
fly up and through a chute in the roof. When the last has   
disappeared, Koenma-sama crosses his arms and puts on a dark   
expression.  
  
  
Koenma: This is not good.  
  
Usagi: What is?  
  
ChuChu: Chuuu. Chu chu chu.  
  
  
Koenma points to a large tunnel to their left.  
  
  
Koenma: They were s'posed ta go that way. The one in tha roof  
leads to tha cafeteria.  
  
Usagi: Geh....  
  
Koenma: Ahve got a bad feelin' 'bout this.  
  
Usagi: You've got a bad feeling?  
  
ChuChu: Chuuuu....  
  
Usagi: You're front office is being trashed by a pair of under-  
dressed bimbos, and your first and only line of defence   
has a worse sense of direction than Ryouga on a BAD day.  
Yes, you can say you deserve to have a 'bad feeling'.  
  
Koenma: Now now now, lassie.... Don't you be gettin' all worked  
up, noo.... We still have.... THE GRANBUZER!  
  
  
Dramatic music plays as Koenma-sama's face develops an enigmatic   
shadow. Usagi backs away in fear.  
  
  
Usagi: Kowai....  
  
  
Koenma-sama blinks and puts a hand behind his head, giggling.  
  
  
Koenma: Och, sorry 'bout that, happens whenever I mention....   
THE GRANBUZER!  
  
  
Dramatic music plays and Koenma-sama's face once more goes into  
shadow. He giggles and starts to dance around on the desk.  
  
  
Koenma: A cool effect, wouldna ye say, lassie?  
  
Usagi: Uh.... Ha... hai....  
  
  
Koenma-sama stops, posing.  
  
  
Koenma: So, lassie. Go ahead. Ask me what THE GRANBUZER! is.  
  
  
More dramatic music. More face in shadow. Usagi sweatdrops.  
  
  
Usagi: What? What is THE GRANBUZER!?  
  
Koenma: Ah, so you is asking what THE GRANBUZER! is, are ye?  
  
Usagi: Ha... hai. I'm asking what THE GRANBUZER! is.  
  
  
Koenma-sama laughs, maniacally.  
  
  
Koenma: Well, it's....  
  
  
END OF PART 32  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
What is THE GRANBUZER!? (Cue dramatic music as DDFA's face goes   
into shadow). Who is Crispy? Does she have anything to do   
with THE GRANBUZER! (Cue dramatic music as DDFA's face goes into   
shadow). Will Hell's Belles deal with her? Has Mokona really   
managed to defeat the entire cast of worthwhile villains from  
Rurouni Kenshin? Did ChuChu really try to eat Koenma-sama's hat?   
Has DDFA managed to truly wrestle control of the fic away from   
Minako? Will Minako ever appear again? Is that necessarily a bad   
thing? Will DDFA ever write a hentai fic? Will it be more horrible  
than any other hentai fic ever written? Are the Lovely Angels   
really Makoto and Ami in disguise? Is this a hint of a plot? Was  
there ever a point to putting plot in this at all? For absolutely   
no answers to any of this, read the next waffle-packed chapter of  
"The Fanfic Formerly Known As....", the well-known danger to   
shipping. In that order, even.  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/Black Jellybeans will SAVE THE WORLD  
\___________/Or give it the runs, whatever comes first.  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
  
TROGGLE 1.0 - Monday, 31st May 1999 


	33. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 33: Th...

Title: The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 33  
Author: Dark Day For Anime (Mark A Page)  
Email: darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet's #AJAS  
Fic Rating: They've come to take me away, aha eehee aha oho aha   
eehee....  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Fanfic Formerly Known As....  
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE  
  
Portion of this fic is from Nightman's "Go Fish". Guess which bit?  
  
Part Thirtythree - The GRANBUZER!  
  
(Cue dramatic music as DDFA's face goes into enigmatic shadow)  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: DDFA's hovel. DDFA has drunk 37 sixpacks, smoked some crack  
and watched an entire season of Teletubbies in one sitting. He  
stands in the middle of his loungeroom, dressed in a large rec coat  
over the top of black leather, with his hair styled spiky and   
wearing a pair of small, round spectacles, perched precariously on  
his nose. He poses for no-one in particular.  
  
  
DDFA: Page the Stampedo!  
  
  
He giggles inanely and wanders into his bedroom, standing by his   
wardrobe.  
  
  
DDFA: I shall now present to everyone, as promised on the FFML,   
the contents of my sock drawer.  
  
  
He places his hand on against the top drawer of his wardrobe and   
slowly starts to slide it out.  
  
  
DDFA: Slowly, it opens, and.... OH MY GOD! IT'S FULL OF   
STARS!  
  
  
As DDFA falls back on the floor in fits of inane laughter, the   
readership is put out of its misery as a steamroller, driven by an  
mysterious individual, runs him over. DDFA is now three inches  
thick and 34 feet wide. Several hours later, after slowly shrinking  
back into shape, DDFA sits up, looking around with a dazed   
expression.  
  
  
DDFA: Whoa.... Didn't see that coming. Must have come out   
from underneath the bed.  
  
  
DDFA turns around and looks underneath the bed, where he discovers   
the tattered remains of a TFFKA chapter. He picks it up and stares  
at it.  
  
  
DDFA: It's part 33.... I wondered where I'd put it. Must go   
and stick this on the computer.  
  
  
As everyone starts to think of other places DDFA can stick the   
chapter, it mysteriously starts....  
  
  
Opening of an old 70's style Tatsunoko Production, with overwrought,  
Gekiganger-style music. The title comes up, in Japanese, GURANBUZA!  
A large, black mecha with a vaguely organic look to it strikes a   
pose on screen, behind a young female pilot with blond hair tied up  
in a red bow, doing the same.  
  
  
Minako: In the name of love and justice, we fight! GURANBUZAAAA!  
  
Director: CUT! CUT!  
  
  
Minako stops and stares at the director as the image on GURANBUZA is  
paused behind her. The cameras recording as the Director walks onto  
the set.  
  
  
Minako: What did I do wrong this time?  
  
Director: Listen, Minako, lovey.... You're really not putting   
enough spirit into the spiel. You only look half-  
interested in what you're doing and saying. You're   
supposed to be the firebrand heroine of a mecha show, who  
has seen friends and family suffer at the hands of all   
forms of monsters and villains. You're really PISSED OFF  
about all this, and demand the ultimate revenge, using   
this cheaply made, cardboard mecha.  
  
Minako: .....  
  
Director: .....  
  
Minako: .....  
  
Director: .....  
  
Minako: Director-san....  
  
Director: Yes?  
  
Minako: Think about it.... This is a kiddies show, and the mecha  
is made of cardboard. How excited do you think I FEEL?  
  
Director: It's not a matter of how you FEEL! You're an actress,   
for gods sake. ACT like you're excited!  
  
1st Cam: Some people would say she was pretending to be an   
actress.  
  
  
The Director turns to the 1st Cameraman.  
  
  
Director: Shutup, you, or I'll have you working on "The Young and   
the Restless" before you know what's happened to you.  
  
  
The Director turns back to Minako, pointing a finger in her face.  
  
  
Director: You understand? I'm not having any more of this half   
hearted non-acting. Even if we are paying you a   
pittance.  
  
Minako: Aww....  
  
  
Minako wrings her hands together, looking at the floor in an awkward  
expression as Usagi, Koenma-sama, Mokona, Pikachu and ChuChu wander  
across the set behind her, making certain that she totally misses   
Usagi's presence. Usagi does likewise as Mokona jumps on top of her  
head before she has the time to recognise the ribbon in Minako's   
hair.  
  
  
Usagi: Oi! Mokona, get off.... My head isn't a seat.  
  
Mokona: Puu. ^_^  
  
Koenma: Och, lassie.... With those great balls in there, one   
begins ta wonder wit the hell your head really is.  
  
Usagi: Thanks for the compliment.  
  
Koenma: Is fine, lassie. Now, we've got to get to the service  
entrance before those two wee harridans make a mess of   
the entire building.  
  
Usagi: Why? Do you know what they're after?  
  
  
Koenma gives Usagi a serious look as they leave the recording   
studio.  
  
  
Koenma: Lassie, if it is what I think, it's more terrible than   
any of us could imagine.  
  
Usagi: Why? You just imagined it.  
  
Koenma: Yes, but ah run Hades. Ah'm allowed to.  
  
Usagi: So, what is so horrible about it?  
  
  
Koenma pauses, shivering.  
  
  
Koenma: It could mean that this fic goes on, indefinitely.  
  
Usagi: What?  
  
Mokona: Puu?  
  
Pikachu: Pika?  
  
ChuChu: Chuu?  
  
Koenma: Yon don't all have ta answer.  
  
Usagi: It fills up the chapter.  
  
Koenma: Ah.  
  
  
Usagi sighs, looking miserable.  
  
  
Usagi: I'll never get out of Hades and back to my Mamo-chan.   
He's probably being molested, right now, by Rei and   
Chibiusa.  
  
  
Horrible Senseless Vision Number One.... Mamoru and Chibiusa in  
bed, doing the Wild Thing.  
  
  
Usagi: Ack! Who put that Horrible Senseless Vision there. I  
think I'm going to be sick.  
  
Koenma: Ya hafta be careful of them, lassie. They're all over   
the place down here. Why, only the other day, I stumbled  
over Ayanami Rei and Ikari Gendou....  
  
Usagi: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.... Too late.... it's in my head,   
now. Damn, this place is torture.  
  
Koenma: Well, this IS Hades, and ah don't know aboot you, but tha  
last time ah checked, we weren't on tha top of the great  
tourist destinations....  
  
  
They continue down the long corridor as Usagi looks up, giving   
Mokona the evil eye. As they reach a T-Junction, The Fish comes   
herbing round the corner, almost running into them. His hair was   
styled and fluffy, with a hint of red colouring, much as an anime   
character would have, and he was wearing a nice green polo shirt and   
some dark brown slacks, with dark brown and gray urban hiker boots.   
He spots Usagi.  
  
  
Carp: ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH! NO! NOT YOU! SOMEBODY HELP ME!   
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!  
  
  
Carp turns and runs for the hills, making his own when he couldn't  
find any natural ones.  
  
  
Koenma: Do you know him?  
  
Usagi: Don't ask.... It's a long story.  
  
  
There is a beeping sound, and Koenma-sama lifts up his left wrist,  
pressing a button on a watch-like device, there.  
  
  
Koenma: Yes?  
  
Voice: This is the Cafeteria! We're under attack from super  
kawaii girls in mecha suits! We need help! We need....  
  
  
The voice is cut off, and Koenma puts on a dark expression.  
  
  
Koenma: PANTS! This whole thing is goin' all pear-shaped.  
  
Usagi: Well, are you going to help them?  
  
Koenma: Wit the hell am ah s'posed ta do when a pack o' brainless  
bimbos attack me own cafeteria on mah order?  
  
Usagi: Sorry, I was only asking.  
  
  
Usagi backs away, holding up her hands as Koenma glares at her.  
  
  
Usagi: Anyway, you still haven't told me about this GRANBUZER  
thing.  
  
  
There is dramatic music in the background as Usagi's face goes into  
enigmatic shadow. She wipes the shadow off her face as ChuChu   
brings down a mallet on top of the gramaphone player that was   
sitting in a corner of the corridor.  
  
  
Usagi: Is that going to happen every time we mention that bloody  
name?  
  
Koenma: Don't blame me. Hades is hell.  
  
Usagi: Well, just what IS the.... The thing you were going to   
tell me about?  
  
Koenma: The GRANBUZER?  
  
  
There is dramatic music over the intercom system as Koenma's face   
goes into enigmatic shadow. Koenma pulls a handkerchief out of his  
pocket and wipes away the shadow.  
  
  
Koenma: Yes, ah see what you mean.  
  
Usagi: Well, are you going to tell me?  
  
  
Koenma brings a fist down in the palm of his hand.  
  
  
Koenma: Now I remember why I brought you here. That recording  
studio.... That's where we make.... you know what I   
mean. I could explain.... it.... by showing you.  
  
Usagi: I thought we were going to the service entrance.  
  
Koenma: Yes, well, whin.... it.... gets goin', outside will be   
tha best place t' be. Now, which door was it that we've  
jus' come from?  
  
  
They look back down the corridor. There are doors all the way   
along on both sides.  
  
  
Usagi: I think it was the seventh one down, on the left.  
  
Koenma: You better be right.  
  
Usagi: Why?  
  
Koenma: Some of tha things in the other rooms are joost too   
horrible to contemplate.  
  
  
Usagi sweatdrops.  
  
  
Usagi: Is that... right? Well, I'll let you open the door,   
then.  
  
  
Koenma shakes his head, smiling.  
  
  
Koenma: Och, it's you're choice, lassie, you git the honours.  
  
  
Usagi glares daggers at Koenma-sama, stepping up to the seventh  
dooron the left, Mokona still sitting atop her head. She nervously  
places a hand on the handle and turns it, opening up the door,   
slowly. Both she and Mokona peer in through the gap.  
  
Inside, they can see Setsuna, with a false moustache and glasses on  
her face, dressed in a business suit, scribbling notes with a pen on  
a small pad. Next to her, tied down to a couch, is DDFA, looking  
suitably pleased.  
  
  
Setsuna: Now, Herr Page, ve haff come to ze conclusion zat you are  
suffering from a deprived childhood. Ze eight meals a   
day zat your parents fed you, was juzt not enough, and zo  
you are taking out your anger upon ze vorld by writing  
zese horrible fanfics....  
  
DDFA: Oh YES! Give it to me, baby!  
  
  
Suddenly, they notice they are being watched.  
  
  
DDFA: OI, YOU! GET OUT! THIS IS A PRIVATE SESSION!  
  
Setsuna: Can't you EVER give us some privacy to finish this?  
  
  
Usagi shuts the door, pressing her back against it as her face pales  
in shock.  
  
  
Usagi: Did I just see what I thought I saw, Mokona?  
  
  
Mokona looks down at her, his mouth hanging open in disbelief.  
  
  
Mokona: Puuu.... @_@  
  
  
Usagi turns back to the door and opens it again, but this time the  
room is empty. She closes the door and walks back to Koenma-sama.  
  
  
Koenma: Ah take it that isn't the door?  
  
  
Usagi pauses, blinking.  
  
  
Usagi: Was that Pluto?  
  
  
Koenma-sama takes Usagi by the arm.  
  
  
Koenma: There there, lassie. Remember, it's all in the mind....  
  
  
He looks up at Mokona.  
  
  
Koenma: Well, occasionally.  
  
  
END OF PART 33  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
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Is Minako starring in a Mecha series of her own? Will she and Uasgi  
ever cross paths? Will Carp escape from the Senshi? Is he silly   
enough to try? What does DDFA REALLY keep in his sock drawer. Does  
he REALLY watch Teletubbies? Does Jerry Falwell watch Teletubbies?   
Does ANYONE watch Teletubbies? Should anyone watch Tellytubbies?   
Do the Teletubbies really exist? And if they do, where? Would we   
all like some Tubby Custard? Are Dipsy and Laa Laa really sleeping   
around? Ahem.... Apart from this, what were DDFA and Pluto doing   
in that room? Does this have any bearing, whatsoever, on this fic?  
Does this fic have any bearing on this fic. Does this mean I don't  
know what I'm doing? Is that a silly question, and if yes, is what  
Gendou said to Ritsuko is End of Evangelion, just before shooring  
her, really "I can't believe it's not butter"? All this and less in  
the next piece of psychoanalysis known as "The Fanfic Formerly Known  
As...." Not in THX, because you can't hear a fanfic. It's written,  
you silly twisted fool!  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
/\ "I saw his body thrashing round, I saw his  
\/ \/ pulse rate going down, I saw him in  
\___________/ convulsive throes, I said 'I'll have one of  
/_/ \_\ PU those'."  
(He'll Never Be An) Old Man River - TISM  
  
  
TROGGLE 1.0 - Sunday, 6th June 1999 


	34. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 34: Th...

Title: The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 34  
Author: Dark Day For Anime (Mark A Page)  
Email: darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet's #AJAS  
Fic Rating: Something to do with Rei and the Grassy Knoll.  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Fanfic Formerly Known As....  
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE  
  
Part Thirtyfour - The Rock  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Scene: The wall in Tokyo. (Readership goes into raptuous applause.  
Well, it HAS been a while). Haruka and Michiru are wearing   
swimsuits, lying back on deckchairs and generally sunning themselves  
in an altogether classy fashion as would befit a couple of   
characters as these. Next to them is a marquee, where servants are  
preparing that evening's feast.  
  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: Haruka, dear.  
  
Haruka: What is it, my love?  
  
Michiru: Can you move the sun a bit to the left. It's gleaming  
off that building over there in an irritating manner.  
  
  
Haruka snaps her fingers. One of the servants shuffles over to her  
side.  
  
  
Servant: Yes, ma'am?  
  
Haruka: Can you move the sun to the left? It is disturbing  
Lady Michiru's contemplations.  
  
Servant: Yes, ma'am.  
  
  
The servant shuffles away.  
  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: LADY Michiru?  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: What would you prefer to be called?  
  
Michiru: Call me Queen.  
  
Haruka: Shh.... Not in public.  
  
Michiru: Why forever not?  
  
Haruka: Because we only do things like that in hentai fics.  
  
Michiru: Oh yes, I forgot.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: What are we here for, again?  
  
Michiru: We're waiting for Setsuna.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: I thought she was away, psychoanalysing DDFA.  
  
Michiru: Only in her spare time.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: She can CREATE her own spare time. What the hell are  
we still waiting for her, for?  
  
Michiru: Because it's our job. In this fic, anyway.  
  
Haruka: Oh. Yes. Right. Forgot.  
  
Michiru: Well, you could always stop Tokyo burning down. I mean,  
the fire from that plane crash has been spreading   
through the city at an alarming rate.  
  
Haruka: Oh.... Is that what that was? I thought someone was  
having a bonfire.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: We could have saved on the gas barbeque. That burning   
tower is just the trick for cooking prime steak.  
  
  
Michiru points over to a burning building.  
  
  
Haruka: Nah.... Would be better for marinated meats.  
  
Michiru: Hmm.... Might be good for smoking fish.... It's a slow  
burn.  
  
Haruka: Well, the fire department keeps spraying water on it.  
  
Michiru: Must be because of all the people inside, or something  
like that.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Shouldn't we be playing the hero role about now and save  
them all?  
  
Michiru: Honestly, Haruka! It's none of our concern. It's not a  
part of our master plan.  
  
Haruka: Hmm.  
  
Michiru: And besides, we're too cool to be going round, saving  
stupid people who wander into burning buildings.  
  
Haruka: But it wasn't burning at the time they wandered in.  
  
Michiru: Well, they should have taken it into consideration.  
  
  
The shadows start moving as the sun is shifted slightly to the left.  
  
  
Michiru: That's it. Hold it right there.  
  
  
The movement stops and Michiru puts on a pair of shades.  
  
  
Michiru: Now I can even out my tan.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: I wonder what has happened to the other pair.  
  
Michiru: Hmm?  
  
Haruka: You know.... The pair we replaced.  
  
Michiru: Don't know. Not that we should concern ourselves with  
such lowly types.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: Haruka....  
  
Haruka: Yes dear?  
  
Michiru: Have you ever slept with the Princess?  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Yes.  
  
Michiru: You WHAT?  
  
Haruka: Well.... I DID sleep with her mother.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Both of them, past and present.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: And her teacher, too.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Well, all the teachers she'd had since I've known her.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Then there was that friend of hers....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: And the sister of Chiba-san's friend.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: And that artist girl....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: And all three of the Starlights.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Sometimes all of them at once.  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: And you never invited me?  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Well, what would you if I'd asked you?  
  
Michiru: I'd probably wash you out with a garden hose.  
  
Haruka: Precisely my point.  
  
Michiru: THEN I'd join you.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: You can be so unpredictable, sometimes.  
  
Michiru: You wouldn't want me any other way.  
  
  
At that moment, a couple of girls with bare feet and wearing long  
white dresses, one with long blond hair and the other with slightly'  
darker hair and glasses, walk up to the pair of sunbathing senshi   
atop the wall. They pause when they reach them.  
  
  
Miranda: Ahem....  
  
  
Haruka and Michiru sit up, staring at the pair, who appear a little  
put out.  
  
  
Michiru: Yes?  
  
Miranda: I don't mean to be presumptuous, or anything, but I'm   
afraid I have to ask you where we are.  
  
Marian: We're lost, in other words.  
  
Miranda: It is most embarassing.  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: Well.... Uhh.... You can say you're in the Jyuban   
District of Tokyo.  
  
Marian: Tokyo?  
  
Michiru: Yes, dears. Where did you think you were.  
  
Marian: Oh goodness.... How DID we ever end up in Tokyo?  
  
Miranda: Must have been that dimensional hole we stepped through.  
  
Marian: I told you that was a bad idea.  
  
Miranda: Don't look at me.... The old bat told us to.  
  
Marian: Oh yes, and you do everything she tells you to do, hmm?  
  
Miranda: Don't berate me. I'm an enigmatic figure of much   
obsession. Treat me with kid gloves.  
  
Marian: I should have gone back with Irma. I said at the time,   
we should have gone back with Irma.  
  
Miranda: Don't blame me that they finally published chapter 18...  
I was quite happy to stay missing, never to be found.  
  
  
The two girls wander off along the top of the wall, watched by the  
senshi. Michiru sighs.  
  
  
Michiru: The riff-raff we get around here, these days.  
  
Haruka: Hmm....  
  
Michiru: What?  
  
Haruka: Were they historical figures, or entirely fictional?  
  
Michiru: .....  
  
Haruka: .....  
  
Michiru: I think you should stop smoking the whoopie weed, dear.  
  
  
END OF PART 34  
  
  
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Will Haruka and Michiru ever return to their rightful place as this  
fic's dominant characters? (They paid me to write that). Who the  
hell are the two girls on the top of the wall? Will Hanging Rock   
ever sue Peter Weir for vilification? Will geographical marvels   
ever band together to protect their image? Has Haruka slept with   
the entire female cast of Sailormoon? Will Peter Weir ever make a  
film of it? For almost no answers to these questions, see the next  
brain-damaged chapter of "The Fanfic Formerly Known As...."   
Vanishing without trace on a Mailing List or Archive near you.  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
/\ "I saw his body thrashing round, I saw his  
\/ \/ pulse rate going down, I saw him in  
\___________/ convulsive throes, I said 'I'll have one of  
/_/ \_\ PU those'."  
(He'll Never Be An) Old Man River - TISM  
  
  
TROGGLE 1.0 - Friday, 18th June 1999 


	35. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 35: Th...

Title: The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 35  
Author: Dark Day For Anime (Mark A Page)  
Email: darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet's #AJAS  
Fic Rating: Yesterday, I abducted an alien. I caught the little  
bugger making crop circles on my front lawn. Scared the life outta  
me, though.... We almost had a close encounter of the turd kind...  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Fanfic Formerly Known As....  
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE  
  
Part Thirtyfive - The Kitten  
  
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Scene: DDFA's hovel, in the depths of darkest Adelaide, bizarre   
murder capital of Australia and PROUD OF IT. (It helps to keep the  
Queenslanders at bay). DDFA is sitting in front of his computer in  
the midst of the mess that makes up his loungeroom / dining room /   
kitchen, and openly wonders whether it may be representative of his  
state of mind.  
  
  
DDFA: I wonder whether this is representative of my state of  
mind....  
  
  
DDFA quite frequently talks to himself. It helps to make the voices  
go away. It's either that, or he stalks someone for the hell of it.  
Coming to a realisation, he jumps out of his seat.  
  
  
DDFA: EUREKA! I've come to a realisation.  
  
  
He then realises that he has wacked his legs against the crossbar of  
the chair, and is in an extreme amount of pain. Yet another   
brilliant realisation from this wonderful scholar of life. After   
dancing around the room for several minutes, making noises of pain,  
he realises that he has forgotten what his realisation was, and   
curses the little distractions of life. He gets back into his chair   
and picks up a Newtype magazine, browsing through pictures of the   
latest anime series.  
  
  
DDFA: Oh my God, it's EYEPATCH GIRL! Jubei-chan.... What a   
brilliant concept. I'm glad I've lived this far. All   
I need now is to be permanently tormented by a kitten   
and I'll be complete.  
  
  
As if on cue, DDFA's new pet kitten, Jing Jing, leaps out of nowhere  
and attacks his bare toes, attempting to consume them. DDFA nods   
sagely and rolls up the Newtype, tightly, and....  
  
  
DDFA: Hur hur hur.... Betcha thought I was gonna belt her   
one. Well, I might be a raving psycho, but I know a cat  
with promise when I see one.  
  
  
Meanwhile, within the depths of his foetid den, The Legend takes   
note that the Sailormoon Romance fanfic archive site has been having  
problems. Rousing himself from his usual state of fear and loathing  
of everything outside the walls of his residence, he grabs the   
keyboard and infects the world with a little bit more of his   
particular brand of wit.  
  
  
The Legend: ... and there was much rejoicing.  
  
  
After sending off the barbed comment, feeling he has confirmed his  
existence by, once more, putting someone in their place, well below  
his esteemed position, he plots his next travesty of writing in the  
name of his overbloated and ravenously hungry ego. Maybe another  
love story between Usagi and Rei?  
  
  
Meanwhile, in a playground in Tokyo, Minako is sitting on one of the  
swings, rocking backwards and forwards slowly. She looks around the  
playground, unsurprised to find that she is the only one there. She  
stops the swing, her feet dragging in the small pit of ground, dug   
out by the feet of the swing's many users.  
  
  
Minako: I should go.  
  
  
She swallows and resumes swinging.  
  
  
Minako: I don't HAVE to go. They'll realise I won't be coming,   
and continue on with what they were going to do. I'm  
really quite unimportant.  
  
  
She stops swinging once more, staring at the sky. Smoke is gently  
floating overhead.  
  
  
Minako: I wonder if anyone survived that plane crash. Does   
anyone survive plane crashes? Not when they're   
important enough, it seems. I wonder if I'd die if I   
were involved in an airline accident. I'd probably be   
the cause. They'd let me in the cockpit, I'd touch one   
of the controls and.... BANG! We're plummeting towards   
the ground at a great rate of knots.  
  
  
She looks back down at her feet.  
  
  
Minako: What a sad, lonely person I am. Always having to   
confirm my existence through appearing happy, being the  
centre of attention. Always the centre of attention.   
That's all that has mattered to me. To be at the heart  
of everything that happens. But when it's all over,   
when everyone fades away, I'm left feeling empty.  
  
  
Minako sighs and starts swinging once more, much wilder than before.  
Her eyes open wide and she has a strange smile on her face.  
  
  
Minako: Who am I kidding. I don't really care if there are   
lonely moments. I'll have the opportunity to dive into  
the eye of another storm. After all, it's what I live  
for.  
  
  
Minako flies off the swing, allowing momentum to carry her forward.  
She flies through the air in a graceful arc, spinning like a   
gymnast.  
  
  
Minako: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
  
She lands face forward, in the dirt, her hands stretched out in   
front of her. After a few moments of silence, in which the swing   
has found the occasion to sweatdrop, Minako raises her dirt-stained  
face.  
  
  
Minako: Hah! It'll take more than this to make me feel   
miserable.  
  
  
A jogger runs through the playground, stomping hard on Minako's   
back. She twitches in pain for about a minute as the jogger   
disappears. Slowly, she lifts herself from the ground.  
  
  
Minako: No, I won't be made to feel miserable by a conspiracy  
of universal forces.  
  
  
A red mini, driven by an elderly man, flies through the playground,  
running Minako over. Before Minako can get up, a Mini-Pat,   
containing two policewoman, follow through. One of the policewomen  
is leaning out from the passenger-side window, shaking a fist at the  
mini.  
  
  
Natsumi: MATTE!  
  
  
Both cars disappear into the distance. Minako's tear-streaked face  
rises from the dirt.  
  
  
Minako: I will not cry. I'm determined not to cry. If I cry,   
it will confirm the depth of my misery.  
  
  
Minako lifts herself up, shakily, on all fours, trying to ignore the  
fact that she is bleeding quite profusely from several deep cuts.  
  
  
Minako: I don't need to go to the hospital. I am immune to the  
ills that curse others. I shall be happy.... I shall   
be happy.  
  
  
At that point, a meteor lands on top of Minako. All that can be   
seen of the unfortunate girl are her head and feet, sticking out  
from either side of the steaming rock.  
  
  
Minako: I.... don't.... feel.... this.... weight.... I....   
really.... don't.... feel.... this.... weight....  
  
  
Minako strains, with almost superhuman energy, and starts to lift  
the large ball of rock on her back.  
  
  
Minako: I know I can.... I know I can....  
  
  
Just as Minako has lifted herself, once more, onto all fours, a   
small bird lands on top of the rock. Like the last straw, Minako  
collapses under the sudden gain in weight.  
  
  
Minako: Bugger! This just isn't my day.  
  
Bird: Cheep.  
  
Minako: Shutup, you!  
  
Bird: Cheep cheep.  
  
Minako: I bet you think this is funny.  
  
Bird: Cheep.  
  
Minako: And say "piyo piyo" like normal Japanese birds, damn   
you!  
  
Bird: Piyo.  
  
Minako: That's better.  
  
Bird: Piyo.  
  
Minako: Look, stop sitting there and get off, will you?  
  
Bird: Piyo.  
  
  
The bird turns and calls to a nearby tree. Within seconds, there  
are a dozen small birds sitting atop the rock, with a fuming Minako  
underneath.  
  
  
Minako: Dost thou have a problem with thy language? I didn't  
say "call your family to join you", I said "get off".  
Comprende?  
  
Bird: Piyo.  
  
Minako: P.O. to you, too!  
  
Bird: Piyo.  
  
Minako: Right! Now you've made me mad! VENUS PLANET POWER,   
MAKE UP!  
  
  
After a very unusual henshin scene, due to the fact that it occurs  
all within the confines of the rock base, Sailorvenus throws the  
meteor from her back, sending the birds flying in every direction.  
She poses, pumping her muscles like a bodybuilder.  
  
  
Venus: Pure SENSHI POWER. Those birds won't be messing with   
me, again.  
  
  
There is an exploding sound, and Venus turns to see the top of Tokyo  
Tower flying away from its mountings after being severed by the   
meteor.  
  
  
Venus: Oops.... *sweatdrop* I didn't do that. Nope, I know  
nothing.  
  
  
As she strides away, she slips on a banana skin and flies forward,  
winding herself on a set of bars.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in DDFA's hovel, he pets his cat as the feline digs her  
claws into his arms, drawing blood.  
  
  
DDFA: Owwie.... Well, Jing Jing, what do you reckon? Have we  
given Minako enough misfortune, yet?  
  
  
Jing Jing gives DDFA the "GIVE ME FOOD, YOU HUMAN FOOL" look, and he  
wisely decides to stop the fanfic just about here, before she   
decides to eat him.  
  
  
END OF PART 35  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will Jing Jing eat DDFA? Was there a segment missing from this   
fanfic in the version sent to the FFML? Will Minako ever truly  
realise her true nature as comedy relief? Where the hell are Ami  
and Makoto, fer Chrissakes? Are they REALLY disguised as the Dir...  
The Lovely Angels, for reasons known only to the author? Are those  
reasons something along the lines of "he likes writing fanfics about  
girls wearing next to nothing, or just plain nothing, per se"? What  
is the true nature of the Fnord? What does it have to do with the  
Christmas Squid joke? All these questions, and more, in the next  
chapter of "The Fanfic Formerly Known As...." That Pikachu is not  
dead.... It's just resting. ^_^  
  
  
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
"I saw his body thrashing round, I saw his pulse rate going down,   
I saw him in convulsive throes, I said 'I'll have one of those'."  
(He'll Never Be An) Old Man River - TISM  
  
  
TROGGLE 1.0 - Thursday, 22nd July 1999 


	36. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 36: Th...

Title: The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 36  
Author: Dark Day For Anime (Mark A Page)  
Email: darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
IRC: Mappy of DALnet's #AJAS  
Fic Rating: PG-13  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Fanfic Formerly Known As....  
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE  
  
Part Thirtysix - The Misfortune  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
WARNING - This chapter contains the kind of gratuitous fan service  
that this warning will just, surely, make you want to read. So   
there, nyah boo! ^_^  
  
  
Scene: Nothingness. A Void. The Author's Mind. Whatever You Wish  
To Describe It As, With Each Word Emblazoned With A Capital Letter.  
  
  
Voice 1: Bugger. Nothing seems to be happening.  
  
Voice 2: Nothing has happened for quite a while now.  
  
Voice 1: What do you think is the problem?  
  
Voice 2: Would you like a list?  
  
Voice 1: Ahem! So, what are we going to do?  
  
Voice 2: Well, the only way to cure this is to get DDFA out of   
his acute state of lethargy.  
  
Voice 1: It's easier to pull the nose hairs out of a wolverine.  
  
Voice 2: Look, just flash him a picture of a near-naked   
Sailorsenshi. That should do for starters.  
  
Voice 1: Which one?  
  
Voice 2: Hmm?  
  
Voice 1: I said "which one"? He does have his preferences.  
  
Voice 2: Who really cares. The way he is now, anything will do.  
  
Voice 1: Well don't blame me if it doesn't work because he   
preferred someone else. Anyway, what are we going to do  
in the meantime?  
  
Voice 2: As in....?  
  
Voice 1: The readers. Since flashing up a near-naked   
Sailorsenshi ultimately involves a visual medium, and   
this is a fanfic, we do have a problem.  
  
Voice 2: Let them use their imaginations. They're probably   
running at full speed right now, imagining the delights  
of Venus in her lingerie.  
  
Voice 1: Actually, she's stuck in that playground at the moment,   
doing major physical injury to herself every time she   
moves, so she's not really available for the photo   
shoot.  
  
Voice 2: .....  
  
Voice 1: .....  
  
Voice 2: This means we're going to have to give them something   
else, then.  
  
Voice 1: You've just deflated all their hopes, dreams and   
aspirations, now.  
  
Voice 2: It doesn't matter.... We'll just give them something  
people have wanted to see for a long time.  
  
Voice 1: As in....?  
  
  
Scene: A small section of beach. Relena Darlian strides out to the  
water's edge and stops, staring into space. She then holds her arms  
out wide and shouts....  
  
  
Relena: Heero! Hurry up and kill me!  
  
  
There is a gunshot, and Relena slowly falls back onto the beach,   
dead as a dodo. Insert cheering of Relena-haters the world over.  
  
  
Meanwhile, outside the hovel variously described as DDFA's abode, a  
silver and black 1979 model Mitsubishi Scorpion pulls up, and from   
it exits the world's biggest, toughest and meanest Sailormoon Fanfic  
Author ever seen.... J.T. Woolford, otherwise known as "Night   
Rider". "Bad to the Bone" starts playing as he slams the door to   
the Scorpion and starts stomping towards the front door of the   
hovel. He kicks down the door and tromps into the front room,   
looking around with intent.  
  
  
J.T.: Alright, Mark, I know you're in here, somewhere. People  
are starting to get annoyed with your silence, and you  
are slacking off on the writing department of my fics.  
Not a God should have been finished this time last year.  
  
  
There is silence, except for the occasional snoring sound from   
underneath DDFA's evil blue desk. J.T. sighs and peers under,   
finding DDFA curled up and hibernating for the summer. J.T. grabs  
DDFA by the collar and picks him up, lifting the lazy bastard to his  
face. DDFA opens a sleepy eye.  
  
  
J.T.: Just what the hell do you think you're doing?  
  
DDFA: Mumble mumble turtle scrubs grumble grumble....  
  
J.T.: I've had about enough of this.  
  
  
J.T. casually throws DDFA into the big, comfy seat in front of his  
computer and pulls out a large baseball bat and chain.  
  
  
J.T.: Alright.... You're going to write something if it's the  
last thing you do.  
  
DDFA: Mumble mumble turtle scrubs grumble grumble....  
  
J.T.: And enough of the turtle scrubs. Just do it....  
  
  
DDFA mutters more turtle scrubs and starts to move, picking up the  
keyboard and scratching his head, idly.  
  
  
DDFA: Now.... Where was I....?  
  
J.T.: You were having Minako causing great physical injury to  
herself in the middle of a playground, somewhere in   
Tokyo. Although why anyone would find that amusing, I  
have no idea.  
  
DDFA: You thought having her leap onto a ceiling at the sight  
of a spider was amusing.  
  
J.T.: That was different, and she was Venus at the time.  
  
DDFA: If you're not careful, I'll force you to write your own  
lines.  
  
J.T.: Don't you threaten me, little man.  
  
DDFA: Take this, then.  
  
J.T.: You bastad. I ort to give you a bleting for tihs....  
  
DDFA: With any luck, the next chapter of "Not a God" will make  
a Thinker fic look like a Shakespearian masterpiece.  
  
J.T.: Alrite, alrite. You mdae you're point.  
  
DDFA: Teehee....  
  
J.T.: Now gvie me back my nomal speehc paterns, befor the next  
chpter statrs....  
  
DDFA: OH NO! IT'S TOO LATE! I'M WRITING! (Teehee ^_^)  
  
J.T.: You bastad.  
  
  
Scene: The playground in Tokyo. Sailorvenus is lying below the bars  
she has just winded herself upon, staring vacantly at the sky.  
  
  
Venus: I wonder if this is covered by the Anime Character   
Fanfic Compensation Scheme....  
  
  
She ponders for a little while.  
  
  
Venus: After all those darkfics and tentacle lemons, being a   
viable target for fanfics has become a dangerous   
business for we characters.  
  
She closes her eyes.  
  
  
Venus: I don't know why I'm bothering to do this. Closing my  
eyes won't make this hell disappear any faster. About   
all I can be thankful for is that I can't be hurt much  
more, after all I've been through.  
  
  
The bars collapse, falling onto Venus's head, braining her rather  
painfully. After several dazed moments, she removes the bars and  
sits up, rubbing her forehead.  
  
  
Venus: Well, I suppose I'm wrong. I CAN be hurt much more.   
I'm damned if I ain't gonna make a claim after this.  
  
  
Venus stares at her right hand, her fingers smeared with blood from  
a small scratch on her forehead. A dark look crosses her face and  
she stands.  
  
  
Venus: Ignore me, will they? Treat me like a brainless blond  
bimbo. Expect me to casually forget that I am supposed  
to be the leader of the Sailorsenshi. Divorce me   
totally from personal development by ridding myself of  
all darkness and potential deep character flaws. What  
you see is what you get.  
  
  
She clenches her right hand into a fist.  
  
  
Venus: They could wait for me forever.... Who knows? I   
certainly couldn't care. It's well past time people saw  
the true power of Aino Minako, aka Sailorvenus.  
  
  
A soccer ball strikes Venus in the head, bouncing off into the   
playground. As Minako slowly sinks to the ground, little stars   
making orbits of her cranium, two brats run past, chasing their   
errant ball.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in DDFA's hovel....  
  
  
J.T.: Is that it? Is that all you're going to write?  
  
DDFA: I'm reading the previous chapters to see what   
predicaments I've put everyone in.  
  
J.T.: Why bother? You've always made everything up as you go  
along.  
  
DDFA: Gee, you know.... you're right. Of course, this chapter   
is now getting a little long, so they're going to have   
to wait for the next one.  
  
J.T.: Lazy bastard.  
  
DDFA: Teehee. ^_^  
  
  
END OF PART 36  
  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
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Is Minako truly insane? Is that a silly question? Why am I up at  
4 in the morning, writing this? Have I too much spare time on my  
hands? Is this a silly question? Will Jing Jing ever make a   
reappearance? And will it be whilst eating a Sailorsenshi or two?  
Has DDFA taught his cat the secret of the Dragon-Slave, or is it  
the other way round? For absolutely no answers to any of these  
questions, thus making them irrevocably redundant, and thus making  
you wonder why you bothered reading them, do not read the next  
enthralling chapter of "The Fanfic Formerly Known As...." if you  
know what's good for you. ^_^  
  
  
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
"I saw his body thrashing round, I saw his  
pulse rate going down, I saw him in  
convulsive throes, I said 'I'll have one of  
those'."  
(He'll Never Be An) Old Man River - TISM  
  
  
TROGGLE 1.0 - 4.46am, Tuesday, 7th December 1999 


	37. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 37: Th...

Title: The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 37  
Author: Dark Day For Anime (Mark A Page)  
Email: darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
IRC: Mappy on DALnet's #AJAS  
Fic Rating: PG-13  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Fanfic Formerly Known As....  
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE  
  
Part Thirtyseven - The Box, The Clothes Dryer and The Ball  
  
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Scene: An empty room, save for a box, sitting in the middle, minding  
its own business. Suddenly, from out of the darkness, Miyu, the   
vampire girl with chronic depression, and her sidekicks, Larva the  
masked bish and Shiina the odd pink bunny-thing with the spiny tails  
and the evil eye hidden by a floppy ear, make a flying leap into the  
room to confront the box.  
  
  
Miyu: Shinma Box! You cannot escape us now!  
  
Box: .....  
  
Miyu: .....  
  
Box: .....  
  
Miyu: .....  
  
Box: .....  
  
Shiina: Something tells me this one isn't going to put up a   
fight.  
  
Miyu: Never judge a Shinma by its appearance, Shiina. This   
Shinma was single handedly responsible for all the items  
that have gone missing in various shipments across the  
world!  
  
Shiina: .....  
  
Larva: .....  
  
Box: .....  
  
Shiina: And so.... how does this threaten us?  
  
Miyu: It stole my life-size model of Trowa Barton. I won't....  
I cannot.... forgive it for such a crime.  
  
Shiina: Oh, right.... So, you're gonna thug on a Shinma box just  
for stealing one of your life-size models of pretty boys,  
are you?  
  
Miyu: Damn straight! This is personal.  
  
Larva: Umm.... You always have me.  
  
Miyu: Oh yes, right. I can stare at your wonderful mask all   
day and drool. Very sexy. Makes me feel like I'm having  
a relationship with Klytus from Flash Gordon.  
  
Larva: Well, I could take my mask off.  
  
Miyu: Then all the other cows on the face of the planet have an  
opportunity to drool over you. No, YOU stay in that   
mask.  
  
Larva: You can never please some people.  
  
Shiina: I told you there was something fishy about that last   
batch of AB negative.... It's made her go kinda strange.  
  
Larva: It was from a reputable dealer.  
  
Miyu: ENOUGH!  
  
  
Miyu turns back to the box.  
  
  
Miyu: Shinma Box! I will send you back to the dark!  
  
  
And with that, Miyu pulls a dangling lightcord, plunging everything  
into darkness. After a few moments, there is a crashing noise and a  
short yelp, and the light returns as Larva switches the light back   
on. Miyu is on the floor, face down, after having tripped over the  
box. Larva, Shiina and the box sweatdrop.  
  
  
Larva: Yeah, you're right. There definitely WAS something about  
that last batch of AB negative.  
  
  
At that moment, from the surrounding darkness, there is a high-  
pitched, feminine laugh, and Reiha, Miyu's regular nemesis and high  
class annoyance, complete with equally annoying ventriloquist doll,  
comes floating towards Miyu with a mocking expression.  
  
  
Reiha: Oh dear, we do seem to be having some problems with the   
Shinma, don't we, Miyu?  
  
  
Miyu lifts her face from the floor and scowls at Reiha.  
  
  
Miyu: What dragged you out of bed at this time of night, hmm?  
Did your contract with Outlaw Star expire, or something?  
  
Reiha: Oh my oh my oh my.... How vulgar. I thought I'd just  
check on how my dear Miyu was going in her role as the  
Guardian, and gloat for long enough that I'd get a bit  
more exposure.  
  
Miyu: You glory hog. You always have to make a big production  
out of everything.  
  
Reiha: Are you calling me an attention seeker?  
  
Miyu: Anyone who carries around a stupid ventriloquist doll to  
say all the nasty things they want to say, themselves,   
has to have a few screws loose in the head. I'd say   
attention seeking has been the least of your problems.  
  
Reiha: Liar! I'm seeing a therapist. And besides, your the one  
who keeps forgetting her Prozac. All that bullshit about  
'never forgetting the past' and stuff, and you forget   
something as simple as your bloody medication. Jesus,   
what a right loser.  
  
  
At this point, Shiina jumps up alongside Miyu and points at the box.  
  
  
Shiina: Miyu! I think this is a Western Shinma!  
  
Miyu: What makes you say that?  
  
  
Miyu turns to the box. On the side there is the stamp "Made in New  
York".  
  
  
Miyu: Well, I think we can safely say that there isn't much of  
a threat from this box.  
  
Shiina: Except to your bish collection.  
  
Reiha: Yeah, the little cow. She promised me a complete   
life-size collection of the Suzaku Shichiseishi....  
  
Shiina: She did?  
  
Miyu: That's why she hates me so much.... They ran out of   
Hotohoris before I could get her one.  
  
Reiha: I notice she managed to get one for herself, though.  
  
Miyu: Oh, go away and molest your Nuriko again, damn you! I'm  
busy.  
  
  
Suddenly, the double doors to the room open up, and Minako enters,   
carrying a broom. She stops when she sees them.  
  
  
Minako: Oi, you lot! What are you doing in here?  
  
  
Miyu stands, picking up Shiina and placing him on her shoulder.  
  
  
Miyu: Um.... We're just practicing for the next episode of  
'Baka Kyuuketsuki Miyu'. We won't be very long, I   
promise.  
  
Minako: You won't be very long cos you're gonna be leaving now.   
We got a chapter of 'Waiting for Minako' to produce here  
within minutes.  
  
Larva: What? You mean they've changed the name back, or   
something?  
  
Minako: You reckon everyone can remember the new title? Everyone  
still calls the bloody thing 'Waiting for Minako',   
despite the name change, so we don't bother trying to  
dissuade them.  
  
Miyu: Are you sure we can't spend just a little longer on our   
lines? We're behind schedule as it is.  
  
Minako: Look, you've been caught out by the WfM readers   
practicing.... You're now, officially, characters within  
the WfM series. Try hanging around Hades for a while.  
You'll probably get an opportunity to do your series   
there, whilst DDFA thinks of something interesting to   
throw us poor Sailorsenshi into.  
  
Miyu: Awwwww....  
  
Minako: No buts.... And please, refrain from biting all the   
bishonens in the network bar, theres a good girl....  
  
  
Miyu, Larva, Shiina, Reiha and the box trudge defeatedly from the   
room, giving Minako dirty looks as they go by. The box pauses,   
giving her its best boxy stare.  
  
  
Box: You know how hard it is for a box to get a good role,   
these days, hmm? You know how hard. This was gonna be  
my big break, playing a Shinma.... You have no heart,   
you know that, blondie?  
  
Minako: Go on, get outta here.  
  
Box: It's gonna be blond jokes amongst the boys in the   
warehouse from now on, bitch. You have been warned.  
  
  
Before Minako can thump the box with her broom, it skittles away,  
out through the open door. Minako shakes her head and starts   
sweeping up after them as workmen come in and start to set up the  
set for this chapter of WfM.... A ruined office in the Headquarters  
of Hades. Minako leaves just as Kei and Yuri enter. The pair give  
her a strange look as they pass, then quickly huddle in a quiet   
corner of the room.  
  
  
Kei: How much longer are we going to keep up this subterfuge.  
  
Yuri: Wow! You managed to pronounce subterfuge right.  
  
Kei: DDFA spellchecks almost everything he sends out. Anyway,  
are you trying to call me stupid?  
  
Yuri: Not in so many words, no.  
  
Kei: Ah, right. Anyway, are we going to expose ourselves in  
this chapter.  
  
Yuri: I'm sure the male readership certainly hope so.  
  
Kei: Not that, you fool. With what we're wearing, we're   
exposed enough as it is. I'm talking about our true  
identities.  
  
Yuri: DDFA has given away enough clues as to who we truly are.  
  
Kei: That guy has all the subtlety of a Targian Warg   
Strangler. Whatever that is.  
  
Yuri: You've been watching too much Blakes 7, that's your   
problem.  
  
  
One of the set builders walks up to them, and they turn to him,   
smiling.  
  
  
Kei: Yes?  
  
Builder: You girls ready? It's time for the chapter to start.  
  
Yuri: Almost.... Can you give us a little time?  
  
  
The builder sighs and turns to the other set builders.  
  
  
Builder: Oi, fellas.... The chicks say they want a bit of time  
to prepare for the scene.  
  
  
The builders groan in unison, and one of them, shaking, exits the  
room. After a few moments, he re-enters with Usagi, Koenma, Mokona,  
Pikachu and Chu-Chu.  
  
  
Usagi: But this isn't the set we were using in our last   
appearance.  
  
Builder2: It doesn't matter. Our two... "stars"... say they need a  
little time before they can do the scene, so you might as   
well get yours over and done with.  
  
  
The second builder whistles to one of his co-workers.  
  
  
Builder2: Oi, Lazar! Bring in the Cosmic Clothes Dryer.  
  
Builder3: You don't mean.... THAT Cosmic Clothes Dryer, do you?  
  
Builder2: How many bloody Cosmic Clothes Dryers do you know of?  
  
  
The third set builder shrugs and goes out of the room, then comes  
back in, wheeling the Cosmic Clothes Dryer. The set builders then  
leave the room, closing the doors behind them.  
  
  
Koenma: Och, lassie, will ye look at this. It's jus' what we   
need ta fight agin those whee harridans who're attackin'  
the Headquarters.  
  
Kei: Who are you calling harridans?  
  
Koenma: Oi, leggit! You aren't here.  
  
Kei: Sorry.  
  
  
Kei and Yuri disappear behind one of the sets.  
  
  
Usagi: Looks like a clothes dryer to me.  
  
Koenma: Aye, lassie, but this be no ordinary clothes dryer. This  
be the Cosmic Clothes Dryer.  
  
Usagi: The Cosmic Clothes Dryer?  
  
Koenma: Aye, I said that already, didn't I?  
  
Mokona: Puu.  
  
  
Mokona jumps on top of the Cosmic Clothes Dryer as Pikachu and Chu-  
Chu stare through the small window portal in the door. Mokona   
starts jumping around, gesticulating.  
  
  
Mokona: Pu pupu pu pupupu!  
  
Koenma: Aye, you beastie, I kin understan' yer misgivins 'bout  
usin' this whee contraption, but this be a serious   
matter, upon which the very existence of Hades is a stake  
n'all.  
  
Usagi: Just what IS the Cosmic Clothes Dryer?  
  
Koenma: Och, this a long story. Y'see, this once used ta be   
nothin' more than a plain Fisher n' Paykel. An item of  
whitegoods no different than any other. However, tha  
person who wrote tha maintenance manual fer the wee   
thing was inta transcendental meditashun, ya see, and  
penned most o' the manual whilst in a state o' spiritual  
bliss.  
  
Usagi: And so, what does this have to do with this machine?  
  
Koenma: Well, ya see, lassie, during this particular sesshun, he  
accidenally stumbled on tha formula tha' holds the   
universe together, whilst writin' down the bit abou' the  
dryer's belt drive. One day, this serviceman comes along  
when called ta fix the machine's belt drive, an' he uses  
tha manual. Before anyone knew what was happenin', the  
thing had busted its way through twelve dimensions, and  
was workin' on a thirteenth before they pulled out tha  
plug.  
  
Usagi: Incredible!  
  
Koenma: Tha's nothin', lassie. You should see what tha thing  
kin do when its got its lint filter in.  
  
  
Usagi, Mokona, Pikachu and Chu-Chu facefault. They pick themselves  
up whilst sweatdropping.  
  
  
Usagi: Ano... so what can we do with this machine?  
  
Koenma: The two yon girlies who are attackin' our headquarters   
are trained n' tough.... Too good for our people. We   
need a weapon tha' even they have no defence against.  
this be just such a weapon.  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Koenma: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Koenma: .....  
  
Usagi: Ano... so what can we do with this machine?  
  
Koenma: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Koenma: *Sigh* Let me explain, clearly, like. With this   
machine, we can zap those lassies inta another dimension,  
so they won't be able ta come back.  
  
Usagi: But.... But that's MONSTROUS.  
  
Koenma: Desperate times call fer desperate measures.  
  
Usagi: But.... I mean.... Have you actually thought of asking  
them what they want?  
  
Koenma: .....  
  
Usagi: .....  
  
Koenma: Lassie, you can go down and try ta ask them what they   
want, n' get yer head knocked in like everyone else.  
  
Usagi: Yeah, you're righ about that. I suppose it can't hurt to  
try, considering I don't know who they are.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in the now-deserted and very much trashed offices of   
Hades Headquarters....  
  
  
Kei: Is it our turn, yet?  
  
Everyone: YEEEEES.  
  
  
Kei and Yuri pop out from behind the sets, watching all members of  
the previous scene file out, taking the Cosmic Clothes Dryer with  
them. Yuri holds her clenched hands up to her face, miserable.  
  
  
Yuri: A Cosmic Clothes Dryer! I wanted one of them.  
  
Kei: Why? You might be more interested in that kind of thing  
than I am, but you still have the IQ of a kilo of mince.  
  
  
Yuri sighs and takes a hold of her hair, pulling off a mask to   
reveal.... Ami.  
  
  
Ami: This is why, stupid. Now take off that mask before I   
take it off for you.  
  
  
Makoto sighs and pulls the Kei mask off.  
  
  
Ami: And what was that line about having "the IQ of a kilo of  
mince"? Are you trying to get back at me for calling you  
stupid?  
  
Makoto: Are you calling me stupid?  
  
  
Makoto ranges up on Ami.  
  
  
Ami: Would you beat me senseless if I said yes?  
  
Makoto: Yes.  
  
Ami: Well, I'm not calling you stupid, okay?  
  
Makoto: That's better.  
  
Ami: Anyway, why did we have to break into this place   
incognito. These clothes are breezy.  
  
Makoto: Well, it's not the kind of thing we normally get up to,  
trashing large portions of infrastructure. If we charged  
in as someone who usually does, nobody is going to think  
ill of us, are they?  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Ooooookay....  
  
Makoto: Enough of this! We still have to find our target.  
  
Ami: I don't like the idea of this. It makes me feel like  
some trashy hired killer.  
  
Makoto: Well, you certainly LOOK the part at the moment.  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Can we find some more conservative attire. I'm feeling  
kind of chilly at the moment.  
  
  
Makoto pauses, then points above Ami's head.  
  
  
Makoto: Kami shit!  
  
Ami: What?  
  
  
Ami looks up. Floating exactly a foot above her is a floating,   
glowing, glass-like ball.  
  
  
Ami: What is it?  
  
Makoto: I dunno, but I'm glad it chose your head to float over.  
  
Ami: Why?  
  
Makoto: Floating balls are passé.  
  
Ami: Oh, you!  
  
  
Ami huffs and squats down to see what the ball will do. The ball  
drops in time with her head, still floating exactly a foot above.  
She stands up, and the ball maintains its distance. Makoto,   
curious, taps the ball, which makes a glass-like ring, and reacts  
by glowing several different colours, but nothing more.  
  
  
Makoto: Well, I have to say, it hardly looks threatening.  
  
Ami: Oh, you can tell that just by looking at it, can you?  
  
Makoto: It hasn't done anything to you, yet. And it looks rather  
contented, floating above your head like that.  
  
Ami: Well, of course, it isn't YOUR head its floating above,   
is it? So you can feel rather calm about all of this.  
  
Makoto: Don't upset it. You don't know what it'll do if you talk  
ill of it.  
  
Ami: Easy for you to say. I now have a somewhat permanent Ami   
detection device hanging over my head. We're supposed to  
be sneaking through this place. How am I going to duck   
for cover with this thing stuck over me?  
  
Makoto: You could ask it nicely to float a little lower.  
  
  
Ami growls and bows forward. The ball follows the angle of her head  
and brains Makoto one, who clutches her head with a yelp. Ami   
stands back up, the ball once more returning to its original   
position.  
  
  
Ami: At least it has ONE use.  
  
Makoto: That hurt, you know.  
  
  
Makoto rubs her scalp, painfully.  
  
  
Ami: You deserved it.  
  
  
Suddenly, there is a growling behind one of the half-trashed   
counters in the office. A large, tentacled monster leaps out at  
them, ready to kill or do whatever else it would find rather  
interesting. But since this isn't a tentacle hentai fic, you're  
not going to be so lucky. :P  
  
Makoto manages to leap out of the way, but Ami is transfixed as  
the monster makes a slo-mo arc towards her. Within seconds, the  
ball glows brilliantly and launches a volley of energy beams at  
the creature, which explodes into a million fragments, splattering  
over everything, including Ami and Makoto. The ball then returns  
to its normal, contented floating.  
  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: .....  
  
Makoto: .....  
  
Ami: Looks like we're going to need a shower as well as new  
clothes. Eeeewwww....  
  
  
The pair look at the slimy mess down their fronts, and break out  
into tears....  
  
  
END OF PART 37  
  
  
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Will Miyu and Co get their own series? Will Koenma really use the  
Cosmic Clothes Dryer? What is the true nature of the ball floating  
over Ami's head? Who gave the Olympic Games to Sydney, and why? Is  
Beamish Red DDFA's drink of choice, and if so, how much of it does   
he down whilst writing this fic? If you have the answers to any of  
these questions, or some questions to go along with these answers,  
please don't bother DDFA with them, as he's probably too plastered  
at the moment to care. ^_^ But just in case they might be answered  
(fat chance) please read the next chapter of "The Fanfic Formerly  
Known As...." Hiding underneath a Christmas Tree near you. And   
with good reason, considering the number of international   
regulations it has breached, already....  
  
  
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
He sees you when you're sleeping....  
He knows when you're awake....  
But I think he's weird and creepy....  
So I'm taking out and injunction....  
  
  
TROGGLE 1.0 - 10.39pm Thursday, 23rd December 1999  
  
  
Other series by me that are similar to this:  
  
Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus  
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=779270  
  
Barking Snout  
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=771083 


	38. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 38: Th...

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The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE  
  
Part Thirtyeight - The Departed Fic Rating: PG-13  
  
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Scene: The middle of a desert, somewhere on the face of the planet. (No, it doesn't matter where. If it mattered where, then I would be specific. But as it doesn't matter, then you can just forget about being pedantic about these things. Like it bloody well matters in this fanfic). Ahem.... As I said, the middle of a desert. Half- buried in the top of a dune are the remains of a small home pc.  
  
A minute or so passes before two figures (Ami and Makoto), covered up against the sun, approach, riding on the backs of camels.  
  
Ami: Do you think these camels worry about how heavy we are?  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: ....  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: I said....  
  
Makoto: I heard what you said.  
  
Ami: Then why didn't you answer?  
  
Makoto: I was thinking.  
  
Ami: You were thinking?  
  
Makoto: Yes. Does that surprise you.  
  
Ami: Well, I guess something has to pass through your nervous  
system at some stage.  
  
Makoto: You're lookin' for a punch up the snout, you are.  
  
Ami: There, see. Now you've stopped thinking and switched  
back to autonomic reactions.  
  
Makoto: Bitch.  
  
Ami: Slut.  
  
Makoto: Ho.  
  
Ami: Slag.  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: ....  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: So, are you going to answer my question?  
  
Makoto: What question?  
  
Ami: The one about the camels.  
  
Makoto: No. I'm not interested in camels. They're not my type.  
  
Ami: Not that one. The other one.  
  
Makoto: What other one?  
  
Ami: I asked you whether you thought these camels were worried  
about how heavy we are.  
  
Makoto: Oh, that question.  
  
Ami: Yes, that question.  
  
Makoto: I see.  
  
Ami: Well, are you going to answer it?  
  
Makoto: Well, I'm not really interested in beastiality, you see,  
so I guess the camels will never find out what it is like  
to go with a girl on top....  
  
Ami: You're one sick individual, you know that?  
  
Makoto: Its an artform. By the way, do you see that?  
  
Ami: See what?  
  
Makoto points to the pc, half-buried in the sand a few yeards ahead.  
  
Makoto: That.  
  
Ami: Sorry. I was too busy thinking about camels.  
  
Makoto: You should spend less time thinking about camels. It is  
why you don't have any friends.  
  
They both bring their camels to a halt, eventually allowing the beasts to lower themselves to the ground before they dismount. And after the previous conversation, that sounds really perverted.  
  
They approach the pc and kneel down beside it on either side. After exchanging glances, they dig the sand away from around the pc and slowly pull it from the ground. They then dig further as wires attached to the back of the box show that there are still parts under the sand. Eventually they extracate a monitor, a keyboard, a mouse and a portable power supply. Sitting all the parts in place on the top of the dune, they stare at it, scratching their heads.  
  
Ami: ....  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: I've seen this before, somewhere.  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: ....  
  
Makoto: I can't say how. We're in the middle of a desert, and  
we've never been round this part of the world, before.  
  
Ami: I feel as if we've been wandering this desert for years.  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: ....  
  
Makoto: Don't look at me. I'm not paying the late return fee for  
the camels.  
  
Ami: Well, it was you who suggested we go by camel through the  
desert in the first place.  
  
Makoto: Was it?  
  
Ami: Yes.  
  
Makoto: You must be right. We have been travelling through this  
desert for years. My memory has gone right out the  
window.  
  
Ami: Don't change the subject. You're paying the late fee and  
that is that!  
  
Makoto: You can be so mercernary, sometimes.  
  
Ami: Hanging around you, I'm not surprised.  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: ....  
  
Makoto: You're right, you know. I DO recognise this computer.  
It makes me feel really.... I dunno.... odd, for some  
reason. As if it were involved in some horrible chapter  
of my life that I've tried to forget.  
  
Ami: Must've had fanfics written on it, then.  
  
Makoto: Brrrr.... Spooky.  
  
Ami: Well, should we turn it on?  
  
Makoto: First camels, now computers. You never give up, do you?  
  
Ami: Oh fer fooks sake.... I mean switch the computer on.  
  
Ami gestures to the portable power source.  
  
Ami: There might be power left in this battery.  
  
Makoto: What? Having spent fuck knows how long in the middle of  
this desert? I'm surprised if there is any juice left in  
the thing.  
  
Ami: You can but try.  
  
Ami hits the switch on the front of the pc, and it whirs into life.  
  
Ami: See. Told you it would work.  
  
Makoto: Did not.  
  
Ami: Semantics. I had more faith in its working than you did.  
  
Makoto: Oh yeah? How do you know?  
  
Ami: You said there wouldn't be any power left in the battery.  
  
Makoto: No I didn't. I said I would be surprised if there was  
any left. I didn't say it as the definite article.  
  
Ami: Get a grip, girl.  
  
The pc brings up the Windblows logo, then promptly crashes. Ami reboots the machine. This time the startup is successful and the pair are left staring at a plain desktop with a background of six girls in red and white school uniforms. One of the girls, who appears to be half the age of the rest, and has a couple of pigtails, is being hauled and spun about by an annoying looking girl with dark, shoulder-length hair. Another girl, with a vacuous smile, is pointing out from the screen, oblvious to what is going on. A fourth girl, attractive with long brown hair, is adjusting her glasses, whilst the fifth, the tallest girl with long black hair, stares out of the screen pensively. The last girl, tanned with short hair, has a hand over her eyes, as if looking out into the distance, though there doesn't appear to be much more going on behind her eyes than the vacuous one.  
  
Ami: Ever seen this mob before?  
  
Makoto: Looks like a pack of newbies, to me.  
  
Ami: Yeah. We shouldn't be too worried about how popular  
they'll become. Right?  
  
Makoto: Right.  
  
Ami: ....  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: Damn, we've been out of the loop for a long time.  
  
Makoto: I'm feeling a little less live than I used to be.  
  
Ami: You need a bit of that live action juice we have in the  
backpack.  
  
Makoto: Ugh.... Can't stand the stuff, myself. Makes you act  
all kinda.... Well, kinda bad.  
  
Ami: Yeah, but it gives you the much needed exposure.  
  
Makoto: I'm about as exposed as I like to be, thanks very much.  
Now where were we...?  
  
Makoto moves the mouse and clicks on one of the few icons available.  
  
Ami: That was great, doing that without a mousepad, and on  
fine sand.  
  
Makoto: I have many talents.  
  
A window opens with a single file. The file is listed as "The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 38.doc". Ami and Makoto swallow rather heavily.  
  
Makoto: Holy shit! This is HIS machine.  
  
Ami: I always wondered what happened to him.  
  
Makoto: That evil bastard! The one who kept killing us out of  
the blue.  
  
Ami: Now I know where we are.  
  
Makoto looks at Ami for a moment.  
  
Makoto: What do you mean?  
  
Ami: Well, it's obvious, isn't it?  
  
Ami gestures to the desert around them.  
  
Ami: This is the Writers Block Desert on the Lack Of Talent  
Continent.  
  
Makoto: Oh shit.  
  
Ami: This place is as dry of plot, characterisation and ideas  
as the Disney art department.  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: ....  
  
They both look at each other for several moments, then back down at the pc.  
  
Makoto: I always knew he'd end up here, one day. You can't keep  
churning out new ideas without ever finishing them and  
not end up wandering into this place.  
  
Ami: What shall we do?  
  
Makoto: We should bury this again. If it spends too much time in  
the sun, he might be resurrected.  
  
Ami: Oh hell, yes. Nobody would want that to happen.  
  
Makoto: Well, I certainly can think of one person who wouldn't.  
  
Ami: Careful. No lighting fires.  
  
Makoto: In the middle of a desert? What would I be burning?  
  
Ami: ....  
  
Makoto: ....  
  
Ami: Quickly, now.  
  
They both place the pc and its parts into the depression in the sand from which it emerged, then push sand over it until it is completely covered. They stand back, brushing the sand from their hands.  
  
Makoto: Should one of us say a few words?  
  
Ami: Like what?  
  
Makoto: Like "Here lies a total bastard who should never have  
been given access to anime and a wordprocessor, long may  
he be dead"?  
  
Ami: Sounds about right to me. Quick, lets get outta here  
before we run into any more wandering fanfic writers.  
  
They both start walking back to their camels, when a hand emerges from the sand where the pc was buried. They freeze and look at each other with fear, then turn back to the hand. A strange gurgling sound echoes across the dunes as a dusty and dishevelled figure lifts itself from the sand.  
  
DDFA: Bugger. Looks like I overslept.  
  
DDFA brushes down the front of his tattered shirt. He then notices Ami and Makoto.  
  
DDFA: Hi there. Can you tell me where I am? I seem to have  
had a bit of a Ryouga kind of day.  
  
Ami and Makoto scream and run back to their camels. Quickly hopping on, they jerk at the leads to get the camels standing, and take off across the dunes at speeds faster than any camel is designed for. DDFA watches them go, bewildered.  
  
DDFA: Well, that was a bit unnecessary, I must say. What did  
you think, Minako? Minako?  
  
DDFA turns back to where a smaller pair of hands is trying to lift a body from the sand. DDFA runs over and hauls Minako from the sand. She lets out a long sigh of relief.  
  
Minako: That's better. You don't know how dark it is down there.  
  
DDFA: Yes I do. I was down there myself a minute ago.  
  
Minako: Oh, that's right. Forgot.  
  
DDFA: Anyway.... Ami and Makoto were here a second ago. I was  
going to ask them if they wanted employment for part 39,  
but they ran screaming for some reason. On camels, even.  
  
Minako: Bugger. You mean we still can't meet up? After 38  
parts, after all this time?  
  
DDFA: Looks that way.  
  
Minako: Well, you're just going to have to get back home and  
continue writing this laughingly-described fanfic.  
  
DDFA: Yeah yeah yeah.  
  
DDFA reaches down into the sand and pulls the pc back out, bits and all. He then ties the pc to his back with his strap.  
  
DDFA: See you in part 39. Don't forget to bring the snarf.  
  
Minako: I won't.  
  
DDFA wanders off through the desert. Minako brushes some sand from her hair and stares across the desert, seeing what appears to be a small caravan approaching.  
  
Minako: I wonder who that might be....  
  
END OF PART 38  
  
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Will this chapter mark a return to the writing sphere for DDFA? Is the world running in terror, screaming at the very thought? Is there really a Writers Block Desert on the Lack Of Talent Continent, and if so, what does it have to do with the British spy series, Spooks? Will Minako ever meet anyone she is supposed to, and does anybody really care? None of this and more in the next overlate chapter of that unheralded classic (because it ain't true) "The Fanfic Formerly Known As....". Not available in High Definition Digital Television. Ever. Hopefully.  
  
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page) darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
  
SNARF 1.0 - Monday 14th July 2003 


	39. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 39: Th...

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The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE  
  
Part Thirtynine - The Front Fic Rating: PG-13  
  
Usual disclaimer about Sailormoon, Azumanga Daioh and all the other series I'm ripping off here.... :)  
  
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Scene: The middle of a desert, somewhere on the face of the planet. No, it still doesn't matter what part of the planet. Just imagine a section of Earth in your head, and leave it there. If you don't, you'll catch scabies, or something very much like it.  
  
Minako is standing on top of a dune, next to a pair of trousers much too large for her, staring across the desert at an approaching caravan. (You know, the desert type with lots of camels and such that you see in all those cheesy arabian-style movies.... Not the kind you hitch to the back of your car and go on long trips to the country with....)  
  
Minako: I wonder who that might be....  
  
The caravan is made up of a dozen camels and dromedaries, all of which are carrying two people and their belongings. On the first of these camels sits Koenma-sama, who brings the caravan to a halt with a wave of a hand. Sitting behind him is Usagi, who is rubbing her eyes with disbelief.  
  
Usagi: Its a mirage. Has to be.  
  
Koenma: Naw, tis the real thing, lassie.  
  
Minako facefaults.  
  
Minako: A scottish god of the underworld....  
  
Koenma: Kin ye think of someone better ta be the god of the  
underworld, noo lassie?  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Koenma: ....  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Koenma: Don't try n' think too hard 'bout it, then.  
  
Usagi: This is Minako. She doesn't think.  
  
Koenma: Ah.... fergot 'bout that.  
  
Minako: Don't mind me, or anything.  
  
Usagi: Okay. We won't.  
  
Minako: At least I'm not dead.  
  
Usagi: Not yet, you're not.  
  
Minako: What the hell are you doing in the middle of the desert?  
And what the hell are all those weird things on all the  
other camels?  
  
Minako points to all the cute anime critters sitting on various other camels.  
  
Mokona: Puu....  
  
ChuChu: Chu.... Chu chu....  
  
Maya: Niyaaaoooo.  
  
Kuroneko: Nyaa.  
  
Otosan: Yo!  
  
Tama: Niii?  
  
Kero-chan: I knew I should have tried out for Who Wants to Be a  
Millionaire. This gig is a complete and utter dump.  
  
Mokona: Puu....  
  
Kero-chan: Easy for you to say.  
  
Usagi and Koenma look back at the critters and shrug.  
  
Koenma: Well, we're refugees from ah fanfic. What do you expect?  
  
Minako: Oh, I see....  
  
Koenma: ....  
  
Usagi: ....  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Koenma: ....  
  
Usagi: She's standing by a pair of trousers too big for her.  
  
Minako looks down at the trousers.  
  
Minako: Oh, those. They must be DDFA's  
  
Usagi: ....  
  
Koenma: ....  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Usagi: ....  
  
Koenma: ....  
  
Minako: What?  
  
Usagi: You're getting a bit desperate in your old age, aren't  
you?  
  
Minako: What? What do you mean?  
  
A light pings on in Minako's head, and she gets a clue.  
  
Minako: Why you....  
  
Koenma: Now now, lassies, theres no need for this.  
  
Whilst this has been going on, several of the camels have lowered themselves to the ground, and one of the human riders has dismounted. The shortish figure, covered in robes for protection from the glare of the sun, walks over to the trousers and kneels down to them. Minako, Koenma and Usagi watch. The figure turns to Minako, and she can see that it is a girl her own age, with dark hair and an utterly vacuous expression.  
  
Osaka: Why do they call these "pants" AND "trousers"? Surely  
just one name would be okay.  
  
Minako: I.... Uh.... I've never thought about it.  
  
Koenma: Careful, Minako. She's an expert in the martial art of  
Baka-Do. She can lower your IQ by fifty points with the  
merest glance.  
  
Usagi: Of course, Minako doesn't have a lot left to lose, so she  
has to be extra careful.  
  
Minako: Bitch.  
  
Usagi: Slut.  
  
Osaka tugs on Minako's arm, rediverting her attention.  
  
Osaka: Some of these "trousers" are called "jeans". Are they  
made from human DNA?  
  
Minako: Umm.... No, that's completely different.  
  
Osaka: Completely different.  
  
Osaka looks at the trousers.  
  
Osaka: Different.  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Osaka: ....  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Osaka: ....  
  
Minako: My god.... I can FEEL my brain melting out of my ears.  
  
Koenma: Don't say ah didn't warn ye, lassie.  
  
Usagi: That's just overrun from before.  
  
Minako: Bitch.  
  
Usagi: Slut.  
  
Mokona: Puu.  
  
Usagi: Shutup.  
  
Mokona: PUUUUU!!! (Angry)  
  
Osaka: ....  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Osaka looks back up at Minako.  
  
Osaka: Then what are "stone-washed" and "cut-offs"?  
  
Minako collapses to the sand.  
  
Minako: Lord, preserve us....  
  
Osaka: These trousers don't have a belt.  
  
Minako: I know. The owner used the belt to tie his computer to  
his back.  
  
Osaka: His computer?  
  
Minako: Yes, you know.... The boxes that go "bing".  
  
Osaka: My computer at home doesn't go "bing".  
  
Minako: Oh really?  
  
Osaka: I can't find the "on" switch to begin with.  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Osaka: But at least it looks pretty, sitting in the corner of  
my room.  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Osaka: Chiyo-chan once found the "on" switch, but I forgot where  
it was.  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Osaka: She says I should use a different system on my machine.  
I didn't understand what she meant. Something about the  
window and an emmy....  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Osaka: Why a window would win an emmy award is beyond me,  
though.  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Osaka: Although it would probably be a better choice than many  
of the eligible actors.  
  
Minako: Hell.... I am in hell....  
  
Osaka: Do you think these trousers would fit my computer?  
  
Koenma: That's enough, Osaka. Get back on your camel.  
  
Osaka: Okay. ^_^  
  
Osaka stands and happily plods back to her camel.  
  
Koenma: So, lassie. Ya said these trousers belong ta DDFA, did  
ye?  
  
Minako: My brain.... My brain....  
  
Koenma: oh, get up, lassie! You're not dead yet.  
  
Minako struggles to her feet.  
  
Minako: I can't remember. I can't remember anything.  
  
Usagi: Condition normal, then.  
  
Minako: Bitch.  
  
Usagi: Slut.  
  
Koenma: Thass enough, from the both of ye! Minako, you get up  
on one of the camels. You can probably guide us to  
wherever it is that DDFA has got himself. We've been  
left hanging on a plot thread and we need resolution, or  
we might be wandering the desert for all eternity!  
  
Minako: My brain.... My brain....  
  
Minako starts to wander towards one of the camels, then realises that Osaka is already sitting on it, smiling at her vacuously.  
  
Minako: Oh no.... I'm not getting on the camel with her.  
  
Koenma: Oh, come on lassie.... Tis the only camel left with room  
on it.  
  
Usagi: SUUUCKEEERRRRR!  
  
Minako: Bitch.  
  
Usagi: Slut.  
  
Minako: If I get on the camel with her, I won't be able to  
remember anything.  
  
Koenma: Oh, you'll be surprised. Osaka there is our best  
tracker. She doesn't let a thing distract her.  
  
Minako: That's because she doesn't have a nervous system to  
distract.  
  
Usagi: Then you should fit in together perfectly.  
  
Minako: What is it with you, today?  
  
Usagi: Call it necrotic angst. I've been dead for a while and  
I'm looking for the bastard fanfic writer who made me  
this way so he can bring me back to life. Why the hell  
else would I be so pissed off? I mean, it isn't as if  
you've got nothing better to do than keep people waiting  
for the end of the bloody fanfic. I mean, it USED to be  
called "Waiting For Minako"! You kept everyone waiting  
so bloody long that the writer had to change the title!  
Mumble mumble turtle scrubs grumble grumble.  
  
Koenma: Don't you be mindin' her, lassie. She's just pissed off  
that we only have black jellybeans to eat. It was all we  
could salvage from the ruins of Hades.  
  
Minako: B.... black jellybeans?  
  
Koenma: Yah. Aniseed flavour. Sucks big time.  
  
Minako's head starts to spin as she wanders over to the lowered camel where Osaka is waiting. She gets on in front of Osaka, who holds out a brown paper bag.  
  
Osaka: Black jellybean?  
  
Minako: ....  
  
Osaka: ....  
  
Minako: Uhh.... No thanks. I'm trying to give them up.  
  
Osaka: Really? Don't you like them?  
  
Minako: Not much, no.  
  
Osaka: That's bigoted jellybeanism, you know. I should report  
you.  
  
Minako: They're sugar, gelatine and artificial colouring and  
flavouring. I don't think people are going to be too  
worried about their feelings.  
  
Osaka looks hurt.  
  
Osaka: But they're my friends. I talk to them every day,  
telling them how good it is for them to be jellybeans,  
how they are very talented and loved, and that they  
have a bright future....  
  
Minako: Before you eat them.  
  
Osaka: Well, there is a downside to everything.  
  
Minako sighs and points off in a direction as the camel rises to its feet once more.  
  
Minako: He went off in that direction, I seem to remember.  
  
Koenma: Very well. Let us hope your memory and Osaka's tracking  
skills are enough for us to find him.  
  
Usagi: We're doomed.  
  
Minako: You're already dead. What do you have to worry about?  
  
Usagi: Hmph.  
  
Koenma gestures to the caravan and they move out, leaving the pair of trousers behind. A minute or so later, there is a rumbling sound, and a line develops across the dunes, as if something is tunneling its way towards the trousers. When it reaches them, Takino Tomo leaps from the ground, in her PE gear.  
  
Tomo: GOOOOAAAALLLL!  
  
She then pauses and looks around.  
  
Tomo: Oh.... They're gone.  
  
She clenches a fist.  
  
Tomo: That wasn't very nice of them. I'm just going to have  
to TEACH THEM A LESSON!!!!  
  
She puts her hands on her hips and begins to laugh maniacally.  
  
Tomo: Nobody can escape Takino Tomo, international idol and  
world-reknowned intellect.  
  
Otosan: Yo!  
  
Tomo jumps in surprise, then gives the large, floating cat-like thing a dubious stare.  
  
Tomo: Where did you come from?  
  
Otosan: Where do you think I came from?  
  
Tomo: Uhhh....  
  
Tomo thinks. This takes a while, so we'll cut to a random scene from another DDFA fanfic....  
  
----o  
  
There was another creaking sound, this time closer. Both girls turned towards the doorway.  
  
"There IS someone in here." Rei clutched Hotaru's arm.  
  
"That was too soft to be a footstep."  
  
"But there is someone, or something, moving through the residence....." Rei was on the edge of panic. "I don't want to end up like Makoto.... Oh KAMI no...."  
  
Rei stood and started to back away, her arm held by Hotaru. "No, Mars. If there is someone in here, we must FIGHT them."  
  
Something brushed against the door, and they both turned, trembling with fear and anticipation.  
  
"Mars? Saturn? What are you doing in a dark room?"  
  
"We've been looking for you everywhere."  
  
Both Senshi looked down at the two small feline figures that stood in the doorway.  
  
"Luna... Artemis... thank KAMI it's only you." Hotaru answered, breathing a sigh of relief.  
  
"ONLY us?" Luna frowned. "What on Earth has been going on here?"  
  
Before Hotaru could answer, she felt Rei's arm go limp, and turned in surprise as the fire senshi fainted, falling to the floor.  
  
"Mars!" Hotaru managed to grab her before her head hit. She cradled Rei, gently lowering her head down as Luna and Artemis ran to her side.  
  
"You really MUST explain to me what has been going on. We can't seem to find anyone."  
  
----o  
  
As you can tell, there is this fairly consistent theme is DDFA fanfics.... Anyway, Tomo finally complete her thinking.  
  
Tomo: Mars!  
  
Otosan: You think I came from Mars?  
  
Tomo: Haaaaiii! You're floating like an alien would, and you  
look weird, so you must be an alien from Mars!  
  
Otosan: Are you saying I look weird?  
  
Otosan starts to change into weird colours, shaking as if he is going to explode. Tomo back away nervously.  
  
Tomo: Well, not weird for an alien.  
  
Otosan returns to normal.  
  
Otosan: Well, that is alright, then.  
  
Tomo: So, where did you come from?  
  
Otosan: That caravan on the dune over there.  
  
He points.  
  
Otosan: They left me behind whilst I was taking a leak. Now  
excuse me.... I've got to catch them up.  
  
And with that, he floats away. Tomo watches him go, scratching her head.  
  
Tomo: Must be Tuesday.  
  
She turns and sighs.  
  
Tomo: Now I have to dig all the way back to school. I  
shouldn't have made that bet with Sakaki-san that I could  
dig my way to America.  
  
She clenches her fist, looking determined.  
  
Tomo: But I got there first! When I arrived, she was nowehere  
to be found. There were a lot of FBI and CIA counter-  
terrorist guys, though. They must've been after someone  
who looks like me. Ah well, whatever. I got there  
first, so that's all that matters.  
  
Cut to another scene. Sakaki-san, sitting high in a tree, somewhere in the Rockies. She has a dreamy expression on her face as a mother squirrel and her babies sleep in her lap.  
  
Cut back to Tomo.  
  
Tomo: Ah well, I better lie down and have a nap before I start  
my way back....  
  
She spots something approaching in the distance.  
  
Tomo: I wonder what this can be....  
  
END OF PART 39 TO BE CONTINUED....  
  
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Is Tomo really in the middle of the desert? Does Osaka have the ability to make peoples' brains melt? Is Sakaki up a tree with a family of squirrels? Will the caravan ever find DDFA? What has happened to Ami and Makoto? Will the fanfic ever get away from this bloody sand dune? Is all the sand used in this fic little more than offcuts from David Lynch's film version of Dune? Is there enough legs in a movie about the life and times of sand? Will it be called "SAND: THE MOVIE"? And why would anyone make a movie about sand? Little of any of this, and even less, in the next distracting chapter of this utterly utter saga, "The Fanfic Formerly Known As....". There can be only one, McLeod!!!!  
  
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page) darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
  
SNARF 1.0 - Tuesday 15th July 2003 


	40. The Fanfic Formerly Known As part 40: Th...

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The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... (aka "Whatever Shit Enters The Writer's Head) by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE  
  
Part Forty - The Back (And you thought you'd never see the back of this fic) Fic Rating: PG-13  
  
Usual disclaimer about all the series I've been ripping off with this fic. You know what they are. Or at least you should. If you don't, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!?! Whatever. If I'm sued for this, they won't be getting much out of me, cos I don't have much to my name. Or stuff like that.  
  
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
  
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Scene: An office. Usagi is sitting at the desk, dressed in a business suit, reading out aloud a book entitled "Chinese for Advertising Women". There is a knock and she pauses, looking at the door.  
  
Usagi: Come in.  
  
Chibiusa opens the window, steps in and sits down in the chair on the opposite side of the desk as Usagi puts the book down, waiting for the door to open. She then realises that Chibiusa is there and turns to her.  
  
Usagi: Ah. There you are, Usa.  
  
Chibiusa: Chibiusa, ma'am.  
  
Usagi: Shutup. I'd like to have a word with you, Usa.  
  
Chibiusa: Chibiusa, ma'am.  
  
Usagi: Shutup. Now I want to talk about your advertising  
campaign for Tokyopop Comics. Now, I've had the Editor  
in Chief over this morning and he's unhappy. Very  
unhappy. In fact he shot himself.  
  
Chibiusa: Badly?  
  
Usagi: No, extremely well, actually.  
  
Usagi reaches down and lifts up Stu Levy's leg from behind the desk, then holds up a sign that says joke, then puts both back down.  
  
Usagi: Well, before he went, he left a note with the company  
secretary....  
  
Usagi opens up a large cupboard next to the desk and grabs the note from the body of the company secretary as he falls to the floor.  
  
Usagi: ....The upshot of which was how disappointed he was with  
your work, and why you had changed the name of his  
product from Tokyopop Comics to Tokyopop Leprosy. Why  
Usa?  
  
Chibiusa: Chibiusa, ma'am.  
  
Usagi: Shutup. Why did you do it?  
  
Chibiusa: Errr.... it was a joke.  
  
Usagi holds up the joke sign again.  
  
Usagi: A joke?  
  
Chibiusa: Err, no. A sales campaign.  
  
Usagi: I see.  
  
Usagi puts down the sign and stands, stepping over to the wall where there in a rather sick looking sales chart, with the line steadily heading downwards.  
  
Usagi: Well, lets look at the sales chart, shall we?  
  
She points to the top of the line.  
  
Usagi: When you took over this account, Usa, Tokyopop  
Comics was market leader. This was when you started  
your first campaign, "Tokyopop Comics brings new  
meaning to the word vomit".  
  
Usagi points to the next downward turn of the line.  
  
Usagi: Here is where you made your introductory offer of a free  
dead pikachu with every issue. And this followed your  
second campaign in which you said "The exciting comic  
that brings you new cholera, mange, crabs, HIV, scabies,  
syphilis, the clap and athletes head, from the House of  
Tokyopop.  
  
Chibisa: It was a soft sell, ma'am.  
  
Usagi sighs and sits back down.  
  
Usagi: Why, Usa?  
  
Chibiusa: Chibiusa, ma'am.  
  
Usagi: Shutup! Well?  
  
Chibiusa: Well, people know the name.  
  
Usagi: They certainly do know the name, they burnt their  
offices down this morning. The owner is hiding in my  
bathroom.  
  
There is a gunshot.  
  
Usagi: The owner WAS hiding is my bathroom.  
  
Chibiusa: You're not going to fire me, are you?  
  
Usagi: Fire you!?!? Three men dead, the office burnt to the  
ground, the account lost and our firm completely  
bankrupt! What can you possibly say? What excuse can  
you make for all of this?  
  
Chibiusa: Sorry, Mama.  
  
Usagi: Oh, well, that's alright then.  
  
Usagi gets up and walks over to a wall, where she pulls down a small projector screen.  
  
Usagi; Oh, and by the way.... Your film's won a prize.  
  
On the Screen: The middle of a desert, somewhere on the face of the planet.  
  
Are you still worried where the desert might be? Try somewhere within the head of the writer. It is called the right hemisphere. Well, it IS in the Lack of Talent Continent.  
  
Takino Tomo is standing on a dune, next to a pair of trousers (which have little to do with anything that follows, so forget about them). Tomo seems satisfied that she has beaten Sakaki in tunneling her way to America.  
  
Tomo: Ah well, I better lie down and have a nap before I start  
my way back....  
  
She spots something approaching in the distance.  
  
Tomo: I wonder what this can be....  
  
Meanwhile, back at the wall in Tokyo, Honda Tohru is standing around, waiting.  
  
Tohru: ....  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Tohru: ....  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Tohru: ....  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Sena Robin, craft user extraordinaire and resident introvert, still wearing the gothic black dress that you KNOW isn't likely to hide her in a crowd as she often wants, approaches Tohru.  
  
Robin: I'm here to replace you.  
  
Tohru: Really? I was just musing about all the different anime  
characters this wall has seen over the years.  
  
Robin: ....  
  
Tohru: I mean, Vash the Stampede was here just yesterday, and he  
didn't destroy a thing. Such a nice man, that Vash.  
  
Robin: ....  
  
Tohru: It is a pity I'm not rostered on until next week. I  
would really like to commune with this wall a bit more.  
It has so much to say.  
  
Robin: ....  
  
Tohru: You know, you remind me of someone.  
  
Robin: ....  
  
Tohru: You wouldn't know Hana-chan, by any chance?  
  
Robin: I think I hunted her down the other day.  
  
Tohru: Really? I wondered why she didn't call. Anyway, been  
nice meeting you. I've gotta go pick up some petfood.  
  
Robin: ....  
  
Tohru happily wanders away, in her own world, as Robin watches her go. Robin then turns and stares at the wall.  
  
Robin: Is this what life has reduced me to?  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Robin: ....  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Robin: ....  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Robin: Shutup, you!  
  
Wall: -_-;;  
  
Meanwhile, back in the desert, Tomo is lying on the ground, staring at the sky, before realising that she is back on.  
  
Tomo: Oh, you're back, are you?  
  
She jumps up and brushes the sand from her PE gear.  
  
Tomo: Well, its about time, too. I mean, how long are you  
going to keep me waiting for these people on the horizon  
to approach me?  
  
Meanwhile, back at the wall in To....  
  
Tomo: Wha?!?! You're just going to cut away like that? What  
a crock! I want my scene, dammit!  
  
Well, you seemed more interested in complaining, so we thought....  
  
Tomo: I don't care what you thought! I'm Takino Tomo, world-  
reknowned beauty and idol. HUZZAH!  
  
Tomo leaps into the air, spinning around and lights glitter around her.  
  
Tomo: One day, I will rule the world.  
  
Yeah, right.  
  
Tomo lands on the ground and grabs the author by the collar.... Hey, waitaminute.... Why am I writing this against myself?  
  
Tomo: You don't have a choice. BWA HA HA HA HAAAAA!  
  
Tomo shakes the author.  
  
Tomo: Now give me my scene! The one I've been waiting for  
since the end of the last chapter.  
  
Oh alright.... Tomo lets go and stares out across the dune as two figures on the back of camels approach her.  
  
Yume: I'm really really sorry.... I didn't mean for our series  
to run twelve episodes with absolutely nothing happening.  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: I'm so sorry about the claw, too. I'll try and comb it  
down with hair gel tomorrow.  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: And I'm so sorry my magic sucks so much. Oh Kami-sama,  
all this angst is making me feel all giddy....  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: And I'm so sorry Angela doesn't say much. They were  
paying her seiyuu by the word.  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: Ack! I think my brain has sprung a leak.  
  
Angela: There is someone....  
  
Yume: Eh?  
  
Angela: There.  
  
Angela points to Tomo, who is now sitting on the dune, her arms and legs crossed, apparently pissed off that her scene amounts to roughly no lines.  
  
Yume: I wonder if she is as lost in this desert as we are....  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: Should we have her tag along with us?  
  
Angela: Hai. Anything would be better than listening to your  
constant apologising.  
  
Yume: That's a lie! I don't keep apologising.  
  
Angela: Now now, temper temper.  
  
Yume: Sorry.  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: ....  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: You tricked me.  
  
Angela shrugs and guides her camel over to Tomo. Tomo looks up at her with a self-absorbed, not entirely with-it expression.  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Tomo: ....  
  
Angela: Get on.  
  
Tomo: ....  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Tomo jumps to her feet, pointing at Angela.  
  
Tomo: BLOND HAIR!  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: I'm so sorry her hair is blond.  
  
Tomo: Are you offering me a ride?  
  
Yume: Ah.... hai. I'm sorry that we didn't make it clear.  
  
Yume guides her camel next to Angela's.  
  
Tomo: Whoooo.... You have camels. I didn't know they were so  
big.  
  
Angela: Are you going to hop on?  
  
Tomo: I know you from somewhere....  
  
Tomo thinks. As I said before, this takes a while, so we'll cut back to the wall in Tokyo. Robin is nowhere to be seen.  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Tokyo: ....  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Tokyo: ....  
  
Wall: So, as I was saying, people seem to have this problem  
with leaving me alone. I mean, not a moment seems to go  
by, these days, without someone trying to camp out next  
to me. In those early days, it was all those bloody  
Sailor Senshi. Now almost anyone seems to hang out here.  
  
Tokyo: I see, I see. Well, that would be a problem. One I  
understand well. I mean, I've had millions of the  
buggers crawling over me for years.  
  
Wall: Sounds awful. Have you tried any lotions, or anything.  
  
Tokyo: Well, I was talking to San Francisco the other day, and  
they said that I should try an earthquake, followed by a  
wholesale collapse into the ocean. It sounds promising,  
but there is a problem....  
  
Wall: What?  
  
Tokyo: I'll drown.  
  
Wall: Well, yes, granted, that would be a problem.  
  
Part of Tokyo explodes in a ball of flame.  
  
Tokyo: OW!  
  
Wall: What was that?  
  
Tokyo: The bastards are at it again. I tell you, I get trashed  
more than any other city in the world. It just isn't  
fair!  
  
Wall: Shhh.... There is someone coming.  
  
Both the wall and Tokyo fall silent as a young schoolgirl with bits of weaponry sticking out of her approaches the wall.  
  
Wall: Aww shit, not HER again.  
  
Chise stops by the wall, staring at it.  
  
Chise: It is a good thing I'm so stupid, otherwise I might start  
mourning the deaths of all those people I just killed.  
  
She looks around.  
  
Chise: Wait a minute.... Wasn't Robin supposed to be here? It  
was her shift....  
  
She looks back at the wall.  
  
Chise: So, where has she gone?  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Chise: ....  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Chise: ....  
  
Wall: ....  
  
Chise points a railgun at the wall.  
  
Chise: I said "where has she gone"?  
  
Wall: Don't ask me. I'm a wall. I can't talk, remember?  
  
Chise lowers the gun and giggles.  
  
Chise: Oh, sorry about that. I'm so stupid, I keep forgetting  
the basics.  
  
Wall: Well, as long as you remember not to blast me into  
oblivion. I'm an important part of this fic.  
  
Chise: Yeah, well....  
  
Chise turns around as her weapons disappear, leaving a normal schoolgirl with half her uniform trashed. She sits down and leans against the wall.  
  
Chise: I wonder where Robin has got to....  
  
Meanwhile, back in the desert....  
  
Tomo: I know.... You're Sena Robin, aren't you!  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: I'm sorry she isn't saying anything.  
  
Tomo: She doesn't say much as Robin either. A real party  
animal!  
  
Angela: ....  
  
Yume: I think you've upset her.  
  
Yume bows to Angela.  
  
Yume: I apologise for her behaviour.  
  
Tomo: What are you apologising for? She's the one who isn't  
saying anything.  
  
Tomo jumps onto Angela's camel and pokes a finger into her forehead.  
  
Tomo: Your seiyuu is chickenshit! Nya nya nya.  
  
Angela: Silence.  
  
There is a glow around Tomo, and a cheesily CG animated cross with wings passes through her. Tomo opens her mouth and finds she doesn't have a voice anymore.  
  
Tomo: ....  
  
Yume: Angela! That was rude! Apologise to her for that and  
give her back her voice!  
  
Angela: I'm sure you can do all of my apologising for me.  
  
Yume: That's not fair! I don't keep apologising.  
  
Angela: Yes you do.  
  
Yume: Oh.... I do, don't I? Sorry.  
  
Tomo's face screws up in anger and she grabs Angela's hair, pulling it clean off. Underneath there is brown hair, tied up in crude, stiff, ribboned pigtails. Tomo gestures in triumph.  
  
Yume: Angela-san.... You ARE Robin, after all.  
  
Robin: Bugger....  
  
Robin grabs the blond wig back and reattaches it to her head, becoming Angela again.  
  
Meanwhile, in Tokyo....  
  
Chise: She's probably off somewhere, having a more interesting  
scene than this one....  
  
Chise looks down at the ground.  
  
Chise: This isn't fair. The world is in danger if I exist, and  
they expect me to turn up once a week to look after this  
wall.... I could wipe out all life, and nobody seems to  
care. I wish I could just disappear....  
  
Boogiepop: Did someone call me?  
  
Chise looks up and sees another schoolgirl in a large hat and elaborate cloak with lots of straps and buckles.  
  
Chise: Oh bugger.... This fic is about to go non-linear....  
  
Boogiepop: ....  
  
Chise: ....  
  
Boogiepop: ....  
  
Chise: ....  
  
Boogiepop: I so need another job. This one just doesn't pay enough.  
  
Chise: You think you have problems.  
  
Boogiepop sniffs and poses dramatically.  
  
Boogiepop: You are a danger to this world. I can't have you  
wandering Earth, destroying things as you please.  
  
Chise: I already said that, in a roundabout way. Please come up  
with better lines.  
  
Boogiepop: Look, do you want to do this?  
  
Chise: Sorry, the hat wouldn't fit.  
  
Boogiepop: Hmph! I have only one thing to say to you....  
  
Chise: What?  
  
Boogiepop: ....  
  
Chise: ....  
  
Boogiepop: ....  
  
Chise: ....  
  
Boogiepop: Does the hat and cloak make me look fat?  
  
END OF PART 40 TO BE CONTINUED....  
  
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Will Chise be "taken away" by Boogiepop? Does this mean the entire fic will now be shaded in a sepia tone, and does the very thought give you the shits? Is Angela really Robin is disguise? Will Ami and Makoto ever reappear, as they are supposed to be the main characters. Will Yume ever stop apologising? Did Chise give her the apologising bug in the first place? Will Tomo ever stop being an annoying prat? Has the writer any plan for this fic whatsoever? The answers to, just perhaps, maybe, if you absolutely must put money on it, some of these questions in the next chapter of this squishy, chewy and slightly tangy fanfic called "The Fanfic Formerly Known As....", due sometime between now and the end of the world. Please don't leave the lights on when Chise makes things go kaboom! The electricity bill will be enormous.  
  
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page) darkdayforanime@hotmail.com  
  
SNARF 1.0 - Thursday 24th July 2003 


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